“love?” sighed The February Queen —

I like words. I like writing. I like creating stories and characters. I’m obsessed with languages and extinct writing systems. I like drawing and getting paint on my fingers. I like maths and number patterns and the physics of waves and light. I like bumblebees and daffodils and the season of spring. I like thunderstorms and walking up hills in bare feet and running in the dark. I like swimming and the feeling of lightness as I glide through the water. I like poetry and graveyards. I like classic novels even though I don’t read enough of them. I like cats and otters and falcons and hedgehogs and orcas and all animals really. I like entomology and etymology. I like names and the study of them and their meanings and their significance in a person’s lyfe. I like all kinds of music, from Gaelic chanting to K-Pop. I like food.
But I struggle to eat sometimes. And I struggle to share the words in my head with a public page. I struggle to say I truly love all these things even though I think I do.
I haven’t loved romantically. My first and last kiss was when I was six. I can count on one hand how many crushes I had in high school. I’ve never dated.
I don’t love people. I don’t love the world. Sometimes I struggle to love even my closest friends and family; I cried when my cat died but not when my grandfather did. I struggle to read all the love February posts. All I think of is Bible verses and C. S. Lewis quotes.
I struggle to know what I love and how I love and to list what I love because sometimes I wake up and I don’t enjoy even breathing. Enjoyment and Happiness and Like are not Joy and Love though. I’m am still learning how to think and feel the latter. And I want to learn to love people again. Even when I don’t feel like breathing. Because it’s important to me. A love that is everlasting and unchanging and always there despite everything else. But sometimes it’s so frakking hard to live let alone love. And I am scared of posting this and even more scared of the replies but mostly I’m scared of not being able to breathe, even when it’s hard.

— “love?” prayed The February Queen.

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    @kimbapnoona @bammsie @justme @greenfields @leetennant @egads @wishfultoki @raonah @ally-le @moana @anothernicole @snarkyjellyfish @khalessymd @hotcocoagirl @waadmay @oppafangirl @katakwasabi *feels weird even tagging people* *crivite* *i’m going to bed*

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      Sorry, Sica, I’m also on my way off to bed so all I can say is that your prose is beautiful as usual and I think more people than you realise will be able to relate to what you’ve written. Looking back on my own Love, February posts has made me realise they’re all about landscape or loss. I simply can’t write about the voluptuous kinds of love other people do. And romantic love? Pfft. I gave up on that a long time ago (or if I’m honest I never really pursued it in the first place).

      I think you’ll find what you wrote will resonate with people. And thank you for writing it.

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    I, for one, love that you think of Bible verses and CS Lewis quotes. (I memorized whole books of the New Testament— they’re gone now, replaced my medical jargon and other people’s memories, but sometimes they resurface, exactly when I need them.) And I’ve probably read more CS Lewis than any other one author. No one writes like him. Now, you’ve made me want to reread The Four Loves. I know other people that think in Bible verses and CS Lewis quotes and love words and maths too. They’re called seminary students and we’re actually having several over tonght. Would that I had a travel portal so you could come to dinner and meet them. Misfits, the whole lot of us. And there would be a Melona bar just for you, dear queen.

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      I know it’s been like basically a year since this, but I genuinely couldn’t reply to any of these at the time because I didn’t have the words, and it was too hard for me.
      But I come back occasionally and reread this whole thread because I think it’s important, and without fail I cry every time I do, just like I did the first time. Like good tears though. Tears of hope, of being encouraged and being understood, and having my writing, however heavy, resonate with people, and of having hmmm spiritual brothers and sisters.
      So I wanted to say, very late, thank you for this comment. Just thank you.

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        You’re very welcome. And as far as love goes, you’re in good company just having a spiritual kind of love. Mother Teresa and others just too good for this world never had that romantic love we strive for, and truthfully, the energy we waste sometimes looking for it could be utilized in far better endeavors! Best wishes and prayers, sic. I mean that.

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    there’s not much to say on a day when breathing is hard… just offer an awkward hug and a “hang in there”. I find that talking about it helps. being part of this community helps.

    love and joy… those can only be found out there in the real world… it takes courage to want to learn to feel it and i admire you for that.

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    You are more brave than I. Thank you for your writing, thank you for sharing your heart.

    The origin of Love, February? Another week when I ended up in an emergency room from forgetting to eat, blacking out from forgetting to breath. I needed to force myself to remember love exists, and here I am, still trying.

    I hate that we are kindred spirits, even in this. But even if you just share bible verses or CS Lewis quotes, there is no “just” about that. A wordsmith like yourself doesn’t need to string the sounds together personally to know and be in awe of their sincerity and beauty.

    Thank you thank you thank you, for sharing of spring and daffodils and bumble bees. Thank you thank you thank for your words, I know it wasn’t easy.

    Keep breathing. In the nose slowly, hold for 4 seconds, breath out through your mouth. Repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat

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    *can’t write anything close to the beautiful replies above so I’ll just scribble something*

    “But sometimes it’s so frakking hard to live let alone love.”

    The fact that you shared is so brave. And this is so beautiful. So thank you, for posting this.

    ( *Has written & crossed out a giant paragraph, you are not the only one struggling to share the words in your head in public* )

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    Thank you for your bravery and your strength in sharing. Thank you for fighting, for chasing love, for recognizing its’ importance and going after it. Thank you for breathing, for existing, for living even when it’s so, so hard. You’ve got this. Keep going.

    *squeezes your hand if that’s alright with you* I’ll be keeping you in my prayers, if that’s okay.

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    I want to yell at you, because after you say that all the other Beanies express things so well and then YOU GO AND WRITE THIS AND I WANT TO STRANGLE YOU because these words are so real that I can’t even begin to express how much this is like you looked inside me and made the mess of my brain words.

    Breathing is hard.

    Living is hard.

    Some days the struggle to do both is almost all I can do to get through the day. But the thing is, even when it doesn’t seem worth it, it is. I had trouble for years just getting out of bed every morning. The idea of facing the world was too much. So sometimes I didn’t. I hid. And I struggled and I struggle and I will struggle. But like you, I hold onto hope that I can learn. I’ve often thought that maybe love isn’t for me. It’s just not a thing I want. But that’s a lie. We all want it. I do love my family and my friends. But that took time. It took years of me slowly opening the doors and breaking down walls. I don’t know if I can let others in anymore. Just saying those three words is hard for me. I can “love” so many things, but people — people are harder. People are messy and unpredictable and hurtful.

    So instead it goes back to breathing. Just breathing every day. Remembering that I’m here, that I live. Even when it’s hard, there are times when it’s not. Love is hard. That’s why it’s so powerful. If it were easy, I don’t know if it would have meaning.

    I have a post-it above my desk, just above eye level with the words “Dom vivo, spero” on it.

    So long as I live, I hope.

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      Ahhh I cam back here after reading your latest Love Feb post. I think it was your reply in particular that made me cry.
      I’m sure you understand why it’s sometimes difficult for me to respond to such things and why I want to but just don’t know the WHAT-
      Talking (too much) about it has it’s own level of emotional stress.
      I’m also sure you’re aware, at least somewhat with how much both this reply and your post resonate with me. I don’t really have any other reply than that. I read it. I felt it. I understand. I too, am trying.
      Love wouldn’t have meaning if it were easy. To be honest I don’t think Life would either.
      And I may just steal that post it note. I love (hah) that a lot. It reminds me of Romans 5:5 (told you I always just think of Bible verses lol). That hope, no matter how bloody hard it is to hold onto sometimes, does not disappoint.
      Thank you for this reply and for your posts and for being on DB xox

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        I definitely don’t expect a response. I get it. It’s hard. Emotions suck. So often I see things I want to respond to, but I can’t find the words or I can’t bring myself to express the emotions I feel.

        It’s funny, right after I wrote that post, I was reading a book, and it referenced a poem I love, by Emily Dickinson, which starts:

        “Hope” is the thing with feathers –
        That perches in the soul –
        And sings the tune without the words –
        And never stops – at all –

        I think I may put that on another post-it. I love Emily Dickinson even though a lot of people find her poetry inaccessible and weird. I love that so much of it was found written in margins of letters and on random bits of paper. I was going through a dark time when I discovered her and she’s always been a light for me. I keep a few of her poems on my walls because I love them so much.

        Anyway. What I’m trying to get at, I think, is that talking is hard. There are still so many things I haven’t talked about or dealt with because saying them out loud or writing them down makes them real. But sometimes making the hard things real also means you can free yourself from the weight they place on your soul.

        The things worth living for are really worth it. The music which makes us want to dance. The feel of rain on our skin. The bite of the cold to remind us we’re alive and we’re here. The warm sun in early summer. Sometimes it’s not the big things we have to learn to love, but the small things that are with us every day. Those are the things that can help us breathe and free ourselves. Another poem by Emily Dickinson that I love starts:

        Success is counted sweetest
        By those who ne’er succeed.
        To comprehend a nectar
        Requires sorest need.

        I think that’s what keeps me going. Successfully living isn’t easy. But I need to keep trying anyway.

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    Loving people is hard. Some people say that love is unlimited, but then I wonder what is wrong with me, because I have difficulty loving in an unlimited way. I have limits to my emotions and how much I can give and receive, so I to have found the love February posts difficult at times. This is beautifully written, and starkly brave. I get it. Breathe.

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    Sica *hold tightly in a hug*
    I love you 💚💙💛

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    I’m late to this post, and everyone else has said (much better than I can) the things I had been feeling. Is it weird that I’m so thankful to you for writing this? It’s beautiful and poignant and yes and yes yes yes yes. I tried to write a meaningful reply but the words kept failing me and I just want to say that I appreciate this so much. I’m glad you posted it — don’t be scared to post anything like this in the future either. It helped my heart to read it.

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    I just read this and am in awe of your bravery and honesty and wordsmithing. From reading all the responses it helps to see that you (and myself included) are not alone in your struggle to figure out what it means to be a full human being. It takes courage and sometimes just the will to get through each day. (Been there done that…)
    Through my life I’ve been hurt and betrayed by so many people that I now find it hard to trust anyone completely. I make friends and conversation easily, but I also am the first to walk away before they do.
    one breath at a time – one minute, one hour….
    This site has been a haven for me as it is for many Beanies – thank you for your honesty @sicarius!

    The Thing Is 
    to love life,
    to love it even

    when you have no stomach for it

    and everything you’ve held dear

    crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

    your throat filled with the silt of it.

    When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

    thickening the air, heavy as water

    more fit for gills than lungs;

    when grief weights you like your own flesh

    only more of it, an obesity of grief,

    you think, How can a body withstand this?

    Then you hold life like a face

    between your palms, a plain face,

    no charming smile, no violet eyes,

    and you say, yes, I will take you

    I will love you, again.

    Ellen Bass

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    Hey, why do you think I’ve gone missing from the Love, February challenge? Breathing is hard, but reading and writing about love is hard too. I don’t have faith in romantic and voluptuous love, and part of me never wants to experience it. But I think there can be quieter, daily types of love. Like holding a door open for an elderly lady. Or getting up early to feed the dog so your mother can sleep a bit longer. Or just watching the sunset and loving nature’s wonders. So thank you for the Bible verses and C.S. Lewis quotes and descriptions of escaping to a grassy footpath.

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      Being respectful is another way of loving. To respect another person for the fact of them being a human being like yourself – sometimes it’s all we can do.
      I may not like a person, but I will do my damndest to respect you. (and sometimes that is even hard to do)

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    🖤
    I am late. I know.
    I might not be able to give you reasons to breathe and to love but I will be there with you when you learn to do both on a regular basis.

    Love you loads
    🖤

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