I had one of those days where it feels like even with a solid plan, everything just became a hot mess.

(More in comments.)

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    I had to do something today that I find a bit stressful to do myself at work. I did it solo it anyway because I need practice and because it’s better to do things that scare me than to avoid them. But I still feel like I bungled things (though not as badly as I could have) and I feel like I let opposing counsel get under my skin a bit more than I should have. I know I look young, I know I’m still green. But I also know I’m not stupid. And that I kind of know what I’m doing. And that my boss trusts me to do this, so I must be OK.

    But I still feel stupid and anxious even though I did my best. And I know we still have a really strong case. And I feel like the other side has no idea how these cases work because their deposition last week was a joke. But I still feel small and I hate feeling this way. I’m getting better about moving on when things make me anxious, and I no longer stay up all night because I’m so stressed. But it’s still eating at me a bit.

    It sucks. I know part of my spaciness and some of the mistakes I made were due to being over-tired from fasting. I know part of it was because I let them trip me up. And I know part of it was probably because I could have been better prepared (though I prepared a lot for this).

    I don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish by writing this here. But I just needed to get it out of my system before it festered and became toxic to my well-being. Any advice on what you all do to feel better in these situations? Or cute videos to distract? Or good music? I need something more than chocolate for this situation, I think.

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      you know I used to be the same… even when things went objectively pretty well I’d get stuck on the things that weren’t 100% right. Those mistakes would keep running over and over in my head to the point were I would feel completely drained. what I learned in the interim is: take 10 min to write down sth that will be useful to do differently next time round, then let it go. Completely. There will always be a next time and the best you can hope for is to do as best as you can and to learn from the experience. [saying that, i’m still uselessly obsessing about the presentation i gave today… do what i say not what i do… ]

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        I used to have very very bad anxiety – like, to the point of insomnia bad. It hasn’t happened for me for a while, so I’m hoping that dealin with it by writing it out and talking to you all and to others helps me gain the perspective I need to move on. It seems to be helping since I feel a LOT better now. I also feel like I’m now prepared for the next one and will be able to call out their bullshit when they try to pull it again.

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      Been there. Take strength knowing that your research and your prep was well done. We always feel after that “maybe if I had submitted this, or maybe if I had said that” – it can go on and on – don’t let it faze you. In my earlier days, my boss told me that I should set out arguments – point form – and mark them off as I go along. So when opposing counsel try and trip me up and I get nervous, I just have to glance at my list and hunker down again. I have that habit to this day. After processing all that – go rematch that episode of your favourite drama that made you squeal. Trust me – that’s the best cure.

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        *rewatch*

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        Thanks, yeah. I had an outline and a plan to go off of, but they really messed with me early on. I think I managed to fix the trip ups, but at the end of the day, the questioning went out of order. They did that asshole thing where they were objecting to everything I asked (foundation, form, speculation, etc. even where I was literally laying the foundation…)

        I did learn something useful about their strategy though, and what they will likely use as the core of their argument and I managed to get some info that would work against them out of it. I’ll do better next time now that I know what to expect. (Next time being next week…)

        Taking it as what it is – not a win, but not a total loss either. Live an learn. And hope to settle soon.

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          Awesome take away. Study them and outmanoeuvre and pre-empt them. Yeah they did an ass thing on you. There are some out there like that.

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      You’re doing exactly what I do when I need something out of my head—come to the fanwall. Beanies are incredibly understanding humans. And smart! For me, sometimes just getting it out and hearing that I’m ok is enough.

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        Yes! Exactly this. I was just sitting at home and it was festering in me and I was starting to get all in my head in a bad way. Writing it out and going out helped a lot. I went to my cousin’s place to break my fast and we talked and it helped me get the perspective and distance I needed to get rid of the worst of the anxiety. Hopefully a little drama will help get me to sleep and tomorrow will be a new day with new stresses to deal with.

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      It feels weird to up vote, but it just means I hope tomorrow is better.
      It sounds like you showed up prepared and knew what you were doing. Also, if you did let them slip you up it seems like you used it as a way to learn how the opposition works and to be aware and prepared next time.
      Sometimes just saying “My day was hard and I feel bad” helps.
      I hope you find something to take your mind off of it and then start again tomorrow.

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        Thank you for this. I think, now that I have a little distance that I wasn’t a total idiot. I was tired, I could have been more articulate less on edge, but at the end of the day it’s over and done with. I can’t change it, but I did learn a lot, and not just about my work – about their strategy. And I think it could help long run.

        I hope tomorrow is better too. I’m looking to it as a fresh start. Also a lot less anxious now that I got it out of my system. (I also bitched a bit about it with my cousin which helped.)

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      You’re not small, you are travel-sized for your convenience. You’re good. You made mistakes – congrats, I can hand you your Human sticker. You did your best. It really is all you can do, so good job. You’ve worked hard, you know your stuff.

      I’m firm because I believe this wholeheartedly, but I do get that it’s so much more difficult to change that mindset in practice. Argh. So let me give you the gentle reminder that ya not stupid.

      Ya great.

      Hope tomorrow will be 100% better than today, and let me get on the computer so I can pull up some cat gifs.

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        Thank you! My worst trait has always been that I’m too hard on myself. It’s why I can have such bad anxiety – and I’ve been this way all my life. I’ve been getting better about being rational and letting go, though. It really helps that now I started to actually believe to a degree that I am good enough for all the things my stupid brain wants to tell me I’m not. Being human is hard sometimes.

        I feel a lot better now that it’s a new day. Also, eating helped. And talking it out here, because you are all awesome and amazing people. I also went and saw my cousin for dinner last night and it was good to get out a bit and just be somewhere else. I felt way less anxious and stressed when I got back and had some space and perspective.

        Also, belated, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you had an amazing one, and that the year to come is filled with good things.

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          I think it’s one of the hardest lessons we have to learn as people, that we can both forgive and be proud of ourselves. I’m glad you’re feeling better with the new day, and I hope it carried through the hours! Eating definitely helps. Being hungry can mess with moods big time. So glad talking it out helped! Getting away for a bit is a game changer. I have a tendency of packing a little Totoro plushie and bubbles in my bag when I go places, and will usually step outside if I need a breather. If the outside ain’t pretty, that’s what the bubbles are for.

          Thank you!!!! I had a lovely one. It was incredibly low-key and absolutely glorious. A gal from my French course remembered and brought in donuts, and I practically cried from the thoughtfulness even though I don’t like donuts. Feeling pretty darned blessed.

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      *hugs* I’m glad you’re feeling better about the whole thing. I second what the other Beanies have said – they really are a good bunch to talk to. I don’t have any animal videos but I do have a cute anecdote:
      I just talked to my little sister on the phone. Her laugh is still adorable even from an ocean away.

      I hope you sleep well tonight and that this weighs a little less heavily on you tomorrow. I may not know you very well but I know this: you care about your job, and that alone tells me that you’re probably better at it than you think. Be gentle with yourself.

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        Thank you! I actually slept better last night than I had for the last three nights – partially I think, from eating a ton of delicious food at my cousin’s and partially thanks to venting here and with her. Also, I think my fasting routine is finally getting into a groove, so hopefully from here on out it’ll be better. I’m taking a break from the case that was stressing me out to work on other things and get the space I need.

        I love your anecdote. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your sister.

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