My Memory
A true story (from this morning!)
by your friend, isa

So, a couple of months ago I dropped my favorite toothbrush on the floor and had to buy a new one. However, my preferred toothbrush a Kroger brand spinhead electric toothbrush for 10 bucks was nowhere to be found when I went to purchase a new one. So I bought a rinky dink toothbrush that I had to power using my own strength. UGH. No. Thank. YOU.
Last night I finally bought a new electric toothbrush and used it for the first time this morning.
You guys, I was making such good time this morning. I was going to be early for church (as opposed to late as I have been ALL YEAR (and all of last year as well))! So I was patting myself on the back and I turned and saw my lotion. Now, lotion is the first thing to fall by the wayside when Im running late. So I was all, Im going to take my time, lotion up. And as Im heading towards the bottle (literally 6 steps from where I was standing (I just counted)) I’m thinking to myself, “Yay time!” and “I really love an electric toothbrush so much more than the other kind. My mouth feels way cleaner!” And I’ve walked the 6 steps and Im standing ON TOP of the lotion. All I have to do is look down and I can SEE the bottle. But Im standing there and thinking to myself…why did I walk over here? I had to walk the 6 steps back to where I started from to remember what I was doing.
You guys.
My memory is broken.
And yet, I remembered this tale for the two hours I was in church and the 30 minutes that I chitchatted.
Broken.

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    I just bought my first electric toothbrush. It vibrates instead of spins. It has been a learning curve. Like you I am always running late and a manual toothbrush I can use as I walk to the kitchen and leave in my mouth as I pour coffee into my flask. Not so with an electric toothbrush. I actually have to just brush my teeth for the two minutes.

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      So, I tend to read while I’m brushing my teeth because well, brushing your teeth is boring, and I guess I’ve done this since forever. Anyway, sometimes if I’m reading something really good and don’t want to stop, I’ll just keep pressing the go button my electric toothbrush and go through 2 or 3 or 4 cycles. At least my teeth are clean.

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    I might relate to this very much.

    Also, can I remove my BFF’s childhood phone number from literally decades ago out of my memory in order to make room for, say, my husband’s phone number? (Also, bff was a damn lie. that girl dropped me like a hot potato when I got married and had a baby. Like, literally stood me up when we planned a night out when I really really needed it. She called me years later after she had a baby and wanted to get together……hell no, I hold a grudge, and if you were a real friend you would remember that. Whoa, that took a turn.)

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      I used to have a formula for how long you can be friends with your friends after they start a family. Lets see if I can remember it.
      Ok, so, you and your friend spend 100% of your time together (which cant possibly be true but I cant do math so work with me)
      That homie gets a love interest and they get married so automatically your time with said homie drops to 50%
      You still see them alot but not every day anymore. Maybe a couple of times a week.
      That homie goes and gets themselves a baby—steals one from the local Walmart, I dont know your friends!
      They need nights out! Babies are hard (and gross. Lets be honest) So, your time with them drops by half again. So now, you’re seeing them 25% of the time. So…once a week or so.
      They see a better baby at Target so they take that one too. (greedy)
      Now, by my shady math, you are now seeing this person once a month at the most and when you do see them its to talk boring gross baby stuff.
      So…thats my formula for having friends with babies. And is also why whenever I did make plans with my friends with kids when their kids were younger I was ALWAYS late (well, because Im a perpetually late person) but also because they were ALWAYS cancelling because baby husband blahblahBLAH So, I would wait until we were supposed to be there to leave because of all of the time Id get there and then get a call or a text or NOTHING at ALL and then have to be understanding for why they cancelled. Like, have you met me? At all? When I have plans I make plans to remember to pray that you cancel because peopling is asking too much of me.
      Its better now that all of my friends have kids in the double digits.

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      What are the chances your children will fall in love with each other? That would be a great twist.

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        The age difference is too great. Also, from tangental social media sightings of former bff and her children, their political leanings are, shall we say, distasteful to me and my children.

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