I felt like a drama heroine last month.

Being a new resident in a new hospital, I started out my month trying to prove myself and work the best I could. But life isn’t easy and for some reason there always seems to be something more to add on my plate.

On january 6th, first day of residency, I helped move my grandmother to a new long term health hospice. Context: my grandma has alzheimer’s and we were waiting to move her from a private hospice to a better hospice that could take better care of her, considering how advanced her dementia is.
I drove back and forth in between the hospital ward and the new hospice that week to make my grandma was doing ok. And she was… Except she passed away a week later.

And then my mom who was just diagnosed with breast cancer (to have a surgery that week) broke down from this. I tried to stay brave for her and I still havent properly grieved. But life is like that sometimes. Despite my private struggles, I came home late and made sure to go above and beyond and finish all my readings, all the while juggling an article I needed to publish, a project I needed to present to the internal medicine doctors and a project for my masters program. (way to go teammates — y’all let me down. It’s always me who does the work.)

Onto my 3rd week of my rotation, my new supervisor is a young man who graduated maybe two-three years ago.

He starts criticizing me for EVERY SINGLE thing. and contradicting himself on his comments towards me.
It starts to get ridiculous. «Why don’t you ask me any questions? You’re here to learn.» or «It’s a bit offensive to me that you’re trying to be independent without consulting me.»
I say: I’m really sorry, it’s hard on me to smile after receiving comments on how to fix myself. I’m taking in your comments and Ill bounce back in 5-10minutes.
I say: I’m sorry I was told to research my questions before asking my supervisors and to only ask if I don’t know the answer.
I say: But I consult you for any modification I’d like to do. However, I’ll slow down a bit and let you know more (But How though lol?)

Some comments are really personal like: «Smile more» «Why aren’t you more optimistic?» «Don’t lie to me, I know you didn’t do the reading» (i did though so I feel hurt and defensive). All I can do i justify myself and say it’s not true and I can prove it.
And the last one that particularly hurt me: «You have a bit of an attitude problem. I feel like I need to initiate conversations. You’re a resident and you need to be more open and sharing with me»

It shocked me. I have NEVER lied. And I’m hurt and offended. I apologized and said I hadn’t noticed and I thought I was completely transparent with him.

First time I have ever dealt with such an issue and I admit it broke my confidence and left me feeling empty and confused and I just don’t know how to fix it.

What’s left is to take all this with a grain of salt and move on. I am strong.

Love, February.

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    Also, he did make me cry several times and I tried my best to hide it but I couldn’t just once. I hate myself for it but it’s ok. I’m strong and I’ve got this.

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      I cry when I’m really angry. The alternative would be to kick him (which I did once when I was four).

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      First. I love and admire how strong you are. Your confidence in this post is just shining. I’m sorry that you’re boss is being a jerk. I’m sorry about your grandma, goodness those two things are tough enough. And then add in a sick parent? You are tough.

      I’m going to leave you with my favorite, “life is too freaking hard, thanks” song.
      Mr. Rogers, Daniel the Tiger and Lady Aberlin singing about Mistakes. I listen to this song, specifically for the line, “I’m not supposed to be scared, Am I? Sometimes I cry and sometimes I shake, wondering isnt it true that the strong never break?”
      https://youtu.be/x6XAP_VThhk
      The strong do break. But what makes them strong is what happens after. The strong get up and keep on going. You are awesome.

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        Wow isa thank you so much! You think im confident? This message gives me so much strength.

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    I am so sorry for your loss. Also, wishing your mother well.

    In regards to your supervisor it may be because he is so new and doesnt know how to supervise. I’m not in that field but some of those comments sound like he is crossing a professional line.

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      I think it IS because he is new. I wont see him again for a while anyway. It’ll help me change the sur and recompose myself

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    Yuck, what a big bully that guy is 🙁 It’s really hard to work for a toxic supervisor. I had a boss who said it made his day every time he could make me cry. I’m sorry you have run into one of these butt heads. Do you get to evaluate him at some point 😈?
    I’m sorry about your grandma and your Mom’s health, I hope she will have successful and not to stressful treatment soon.

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      Pretty sure he had a power trip with every comment he said to make me «better». He wasn’t horrible, but then he was. It’s hard to describe it. I have a feeling I’m biased but also I’m sorry but he could’ve been kinder.
      Thank you for the kind wishes in regards to my family <3

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    Yes, you are strong. I would gladly lighten your plate, but I am in no position to help, so I will send all the good vibes I have instead.🤞 Hang in there! ❤️

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      thank you so much! <3 Just having someone admit it's a lot to take in is a big weight off my shoulders.

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    Goodness that’s a lot.

    First, I’m sorry about your grandma. Second, I hope your mother’s surgery and treatment go smoothly and her recovery is as easy and quick as possible. Third, would you like me to send out some errand boys to teach your new supervisor some mentoring and being a decent human being skills?

    Is he aware of your recent loss and your mother’s illness? Because those things on top of the stress of school and work are just plain too damn much, and no one should judge you for crying. *Hugs*

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      Errand Boy reports to duty, M’am!

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      He was aware. and I was transparent with him whenever I felt like he was too hard on me. But he persisted. And was condescending.

      To be clear, I cried because of his comments. He said something like at some point: «I’m disappointed that you don’t know it. You should know it, you’re speaking like a student.» And it felt offensive and hurtful. It’s the little things like that hurt me the most because of the effort I put into my work.

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        That’s a horrible comment to make. Firstly, is it bad to be behaving like a student? What I infer from my context is that you are finding out something you don’t know, and if he is referring to this openness to learning as “studentlike”, I fail to see why he thinks it’s an insult.

        Secondly… isn’t he expecting you to ask him questions, meaning he expects you not to know certain things? So why is he spinning 180 degrees to criticise you for not knowing some things?

        I’ve dealt with two cases of toxic co-workers/ superiors before, and unfortunately your supervisor shows similar patterns of behaviour. I don’t know if you can afford to leave this position, but if you must stay, it’s important to remember that you are doing nothing wrong. I don’t mean you aren’t making mistakes, but that you are new, you are working hard, you are open to learning.

        He may be gaslighting you into feeling you are not good enough to gain a sense of control and power, or to mask his own insecurities. These kinds of people often target others they perceive are more emotionally vulnerable (as you may be, given what a difficult time you are going through right now). Because emotionally vulnerable people are more likely to doubt themselves, and thus less likely to resist being manipulated. If you can, Google and read articles about toxic bosses and gaslighting. I found that helpful in managing my situation.

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          Sorry, typo in the first paragraph! I meant your context, not mine.

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          I am SO googling it later on. But for now, all your messages give me strength to move on. I forgot just how therapeutic dramabeans and beanies are!
          What you say is exactly what happened and it makes me feel like im not crazy or biased and gives me enlightenment. I appreciate it so much.

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            I think that’s the thing about people like that—they have the power to mess with your emotions and make you doubt yourself, even if rationally you register that your perceptions are different from the opinions they assert.

            I have a pretty healthy level of self-esteem, and a very clear perspective on people and situations. And yet the toxic co-workers/ bosses I had made me wonder if they were right and there was something I wasn’t seeing. I was lucky to have other kind and understanding colleagues who told me straight up that I was doing perfectly fine, and I really needed to hear that.

            So in sum, I guess I’m passing on the kindness they showed me (: Hang in there!

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    I’m really sorry for your loss. May the inner light of your grandmother shine forever in your life.
    I hope your mother recovers smoothly from surgery and treatment. I know you didn’t have time to properly grieve your grandmother, but your mum needs you so much. Stay strong for her, and smile and love her, fill her time with laughs, gossips or whatever, just don’t let her think about her illness. I’m telling you this, because I’ve been there and I played the clown for three years with my mum when she was diagnosed. Hardest days in my life, also the ones I loved the most.
    Regarding your bully supervisor, he obviously doesn’t know how to deal with people, and what is that “smile”thing? He is patronizing you, as if your were a baby who doesn’t know her job. Stay strong. You are strong. And strong people cry. Everytime they want. That makes them stronger.

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      That is such a lovely saying. My grandma was the brightest of souls even in her worst state of dementia.
      I’m trying so hard to be there for my mom, she’s tougher than me and I seriously dont know how she does it.

      ALSO THATS PRECISELY THE WORD «patronizing». It such a pet peeve of mine. It’s offensive. I’m no baby. I’m not stupid.

      You are so so so so so right. Thank you.

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    My condolences for your loss. My mom had breast cancer too and I took a month off work to take care of her when she had her surgery. I am grateful for a super understanding bosses back then who let me do that.

    I can imagine how much harder it is for you to deal with all of these. Be strong. My mom is all better now. It’s been more than 10 years and she’s doing fine. Hope the same goes for your mom.

    I am also sorry that you have a difficult boss. I am not familiar with the medical field, so I am not sure what you can do to get out of this situation. Wish you all the best. Fighting!

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      My strategy i honesty, picking and choosing comments and moving on just like any other field. I’m a healthcare professional too and while I have less experience, I am not less human.

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        Sounds good. I am thinking more of like changing department or changing company (I’ve done that before). But it’s probably not possible in your case.

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    Oh my gracious. I’ve missed seeing you around, but it sounds like there was good reason. I’m wondering if there is anyone else on your chain of command you could go to, or maybe even outside it to get an idea of your boss is like this just to you or everyone? If it’s just you, there may be something else afoot. I don’t want to say discrimination, but yet, I’ve just said it. Good luck and continue being strong, you’ve got this.

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      I spoke to other people who had him and apparently he’s kinda intense with everyone (?) but I think I had the worst experience. I honestly think it’s a bit of a power issue.
      It can’t be a discrimination thing but more like a reverse discrimination in my situation. We are of similar origins, so he maybe felt comfortable being so harsh on me.
      Thank you for worrying about me!

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    I’m so sorry about your grandmother. I’ll keep your mom, and you, in my thoughts and keep wishing for her full recovery and good health.

    I agree with Ally about the boss. Is there an HR department that has rules about this type of treatment? I think I’ve perfected a glare for men who tell women to smile. I’d be happy to try it out on him.

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      HAHAHAHAHAHA i dont think i glared at him when he said it but i was hurt and then incredulous by what he said. It’s text book what should NOT be said. I dont think hed say it to a guy would he?

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    I’m sorry about your grandma, and your mom. It’s the hardest job to be a caregiver in situations like these. I hope you have the time and the opportunity to grieve your loss properly soon.

    I’m saying this because I’m older than you and I’ve probably worked at a lot more places than you — your supervisor is NOT normal, and what he says is NOT ok. As much as you can, avoid him, ignore as much as you can of the crap he’s dishing out, learn as much medicine as you can from him, and then move on when it’s thankfully time. Try not to take the stuff he says to heart, and for goodness sake don’t try to change yourself because of what he says. You’re fine the way you are, HE’s the one who needs to change.

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      THANK YOU UNNI❤️❤️❤️❤️ My mum and friends told me the same thing but it’s hard to stomach sometimes. I kinda get it now when kdrama heroines just take it in without reacting for a while. Im not about to start a revolution (also get it now on tv when they dont) but i can stay strong and pick and choose what needs to be said. He put me a minus on my evaluation (geez what an asshole i literally did nothing wrong) but i passed and thats what’s important.

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        Sometimes (rarely) men like this get less judgmental as they see you work and realize you’re good at what you do and that you’re well prepared. I’m hoping that’s the case here (full disclosure, I lean heavily toward optimism most of the time).

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