Beanie level: Rooftop room dweller

i miss u pals, hope ur well

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friends if you want some very sad “entertainment” you can tune in to the impeachment hearings. it’s history but really sad history. it shouldnt be geo blocked on too many websites

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    r they screwing him?

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      who? the dude in the white house? more info will come out and condemn him thank god but it’s already bad. repubs are doing semantics game it’s gross and they’re terrible lol but i think itll show ppl that if senators/leaders side with him the ones who arent totally devoted to this bullshit will find it pretty bad . maybe leading to dem winners

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got some work to do…i really need to watch litrally any dramas but i cant rn. still havent finished NF. i def wanna watch extraordinary you, maybe tonight. sigh life..

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also i looked up how to be like a better friend even if i think ppl do dumb things. i’m pretty much a dilettante cos..adhd i guess. but i just keep reminding myslef. im chun woo hee in be melo

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    i can be so bossy, pushy, judgemental. i can’t help it. but i shouldnt be invalidating. tbqh my best friends should be so lucky i could continue to tell them their ideas are poor decisions but i am BEING A BETTER PERSON. not that i want to cos im always right but look at my lamb sacrifice u__u

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      i restrained myself from being too critical with m (we’ll call her that) and agreed to help with no prior “i think this is a silly idea and i wish you were less flighty” and said ok sure but tomorrow cos i took my ambien. took me a bajillion yrs to get here and i dont like it but needs must

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god the level of…idek what to call it. my parents are really frustrating. oh well lmao hpe they dont get mad if i get arrested for civil disobedience shoulda raised me better tbh

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    i dont rly know why they think what i’m doing isn’t serious until i do it. same with film school. i said i would go and i did. i said i’m gonna do activism and be an artist and of service and i am. as sincerely cowardly and anxious as i am, i always do what i want in the end because i hate being controlled and i am the one who must live with my decisions. and every time they’re like pikachu shocked meme lmao

    i think i’m pretty open with who i am. and i HATE lying. so…u get what u get. also if u didnt want me to be like this u shoulda not had me and been kind to other ppl (except ur kids :P) growing up this is their fault!!!!!

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my life is messy perhaps less messy than it was like idk 5 mins ago but still messy but i…………………i am getting more involved in stuff and will use my “art” skills so. no job tho!

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    doing more work with orgs and literal organizing. learning more. i’m gonna work on a media group and try to get hat running for my part of the world. i won’t get paid and honestly i’m pretty stressed…after my frickin healthcare got taken away for like a month i’m also pissed. but my existential angst could be worse. i’m glad i’m doing more things lol let’s see how far i’m willing to go. i mean i’m willing to go far but i really need to learn how to fight HAHA

    while this is happening ill try to like keep up editing and finishing my film and trying to feel ok about my artistic career. it’s tough. and rn i am…displeased but whatevah

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whew……………………………….so enrollment for healthcare ends in dec but my medicaid hcp was like sike u idiot bitch we will terminate on 10/31 and say we sent u three letters. so that’s.

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    i cant i realyl cantlike this is COMICAL

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    went 2 pharmacy
    waited forver while the pharm weasnt telling me wasnt going on
    got the surprise off a lifetime “oh wow, ur insurance terminated on 10/31”
    new to me!!!!!!! and NEWS to me. and the shit i had to go through to get an answer. i will die. i willllllllll DIE if we DONT GET THIS SHIT CHANGED. and im one of the lucky ones. im so angry. and my mom, a person with a job and insurance, was like being so unhelpful like “omg u might have 2 get a job” as if i DIDNTWANT ONE and as if any job offers healthcare (they dont) and if there are any caveats (there are. workingat sbx u have to. CONSISTENTLY be full time. EVERY. WEEK. 32 HOURS. NO QUESTION.) so nonot so easy!

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i guess i have been busier than usual so the last thing i watched was the end of running mates! ugh i wish i didnt rely on certain things emotionally. kdramas = stress, the view = anger + stress lol

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platitudes about not being tired or sad or whatever are generally useless, but let’s all rejoice in the fact that there are always people who are so so so so much sadder like, say, meghan mccain

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well after my therapy i was forced to realize that im a baby and being in ur 20s sucks and we r all trying i still think ppl r being annoying but tru im selfish also 😞😞😞🙂🙃🙃

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    Selfishness is underrated as a coping strategy
    Discuss

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      Selfishness, especially for women is underrated. Being selfish with how I use my time kept me from going completely mad when raising my children.

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        Being self-less all the time is the quickest route to burnout and suicide.

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          @egads @leetennant @ally-le

          i don’t have kids (i want them) but the amount of time women MUST spend on their home and tranquility just by existing. bullshit. i remember reading this NYT thing about mom’s not being able to do all they need to in a day (duh) but what kind of life is that???!?! and men being able to be clueless. i constantly feel a resentment sometimes to my dad lol the first step is admitting it, and a lot of people do, but how does it stop!!

          i always think that being selfless is needed but im ready to gut myself atp lmao i feel like in a way trying to give yourself so much is selfish/self preservation it’s like that “put your air mask on first before your kid/someone by you”. the concept of self-care, though been really skewed, has that i think; selfishness as a coping strategy. so you can learn what you need first, learn what to ask for your community, and then be able to lie happily and frolick in the daisies

          too bad LMAO
          hope this made sense u___u

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            It made perfect sense, and you recognizing all of this is good.

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            Find a partner who understands this. Find a partner who advocates for this when you are being too selfless. My husband has pulled me back and allowed me to say no to more work, and takes the kids when he sees me exhausted. And allows me to binge Untamed. Lol.

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      I’ve heard it said and I agree with this, that you can’t help anyone else when you’re broken/burnt out. I’ve seen this in my own life when I was going through the most difficult time in 2017. I was trying to be everything for everyone while dealing with my own stuff and everyday I felt like I was being pulled apart cell by cell. I broke and at one point thought I’d lost my mind and for a while could help neither my family nor myself. So I do agree that being selfish is sometimes necessary especially as it relates to taking time to take care of your mental health. Had I done that I would have been much healthier and much more effective in helping my family also.

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        definitely! i’m glad you’re better. this helps me remember what i need to do more. i feel that being pulled apart thing, it’s so lonely sometimes, but a huge part of that is not taking time to help yourself. fostering that is really hard!!!!!

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          It is hard especially if your love language is Acts of service like mine but I do think starting slowly does help. You’ve got this! 🙂✊

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    I had a full blown panick attack last night…I can relate

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      i feel like it’s really really hard right now specifically. i hope you feel better soon and get your needs met

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        Better now….I had managed without medication for almost 4 years now but I know its time to get help again…scheduled my appoinment…late 20’s in this day snd age is too much I guess in a way

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          it’s ok! i am on meds, too. maybe you can get off them in a bit, but rn u should need extra help. i’m really glad you knew to get help. that’s pretty big cos ik sometimes it’s easier to just…not. and yea it is 🙁 the burnout, not being sure of your place in the world, feeling disconnected. it’s so weird. i’ve never felt more aware of my existence than i have now hahah

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trying 2 do the math cos a nigerian film is being questioned on being an ‘international film’ bc a lot of it is in english. like that time a country song wasnt country. wonder what it could be…

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    1 + 1 = english is an official language in a lot of african countries because…..colonization? did i do the math right i tanked ap calc

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      The Academy is stupid and I had some other choice words when I read this.

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        It’s such a dumb rule. Just because a film is from an English-speaking country does NOT mean it will get the same amount of attention as American and British-made films!!!

        This happened for the film The Band’s Visit as well. It’s an Israeli film about an Egyptian band that finds itself in a dead-end Israeli town and they speak broken English to communicate because the Egyptians don’t speak Hebrew and the Israelis don’t speak Arabic. Its nomination was denied because a majority of the dialogue is in English.

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          Didnt know about this so ty for sharing. Black film in film canon is abominable but at least this is a pattern they stick to!! Film industry’s consistent!

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      Unrelated but I’ve always wondered: are you Nigerian? Your username seems Nigerian.

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        i am!!!! are u? my full name is amarachukwu 🙂

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          Figured! I’ve been like ‘Amara is an Igbo name’ for months now. Yes, I am. 😊😊

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            🇳🇬 🇳🇬 🇳🇬 PRIIIIIDE we rly are everywhere

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gonna have to binge extraordinary you, but im in a more melancholy mood. i also need to do stuff….oh well lol. i\’ve been ignoring all my friends bc they supremely bothered me so i dropped off earth

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    i’m used to this and i trust the ones i trust. def have my issues. i just wish i could get a little bit more. no i have nothing going on but plsssssssssssssssssss let me know ur not just able to be here when ur free or i am a teensy thought in ur mind

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    Hmm melancholy… I’ve been saying this a lot on DB lately but there is a great Taiwanese drama, available on Viki and probably also the illegal sites that is on par or perhaps better than any slice of life korean drama. Yong jiu grocery store. Since, I know the shows you have previously liked, I think you’ll like this too plus it’s only 10 eps long.
    Moreover, about friends, idk as we grow up I’ve come to realize that people become way too busy to keep in touch. Unfortunately when either us or them are in need (usually emotional) is when friends are remembered. Anyways it becomes quite difficult being the only person who listens and not having anyone listen back to you. Hope you find really good friends.

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      oh thislooks rly nice! i have viki plus so YAAAY! i’ll finish nokdu flower (lol) then start with that and work my way through others! thank you and yes u got my tastes on the nose 🙂

      you’re right…it’s kinda sad like does it ever stop and slow down? i love them all dearly and i’m fortunate, i just am not physically close and it’seasy to get like idk fomo cos millenial, but it just feels like time is easier to rely on than try through hardship? i dont want people to feel alone 🙁 but that’s life

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one thing i abhor is when people call what i say tangential (unless i mention my digression) just because they have no concept of history and BASIC theoretical background. just admit u dont know

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    if i make a point and i digress, i’ll say i digress. or i’ll bring something new up. somehow, miraculously, all things tie to my point. it’s not me going “oh statement a and also statement b but what i mean is c” but it is a surefire way to really piss me off and invalidate me. i get that i have trouble communicating, but i am not that fucking bad. i’m so sick of hearing this. i put a lot of time and thought into expanding my knowledge and discrediting me will just piss me off. if you don’t understand what i am saying because you have no basis for it, ASK. JUST. ASK.

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      people love to waste ur time and then blame u but it’s just to make u look crazy tbh and i hate that lol im self conches

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      But you could also ask them right, instead of assuming they are wrong because they are unaware

      ask them, are they even aware of this trivia.. if no then your stand is correct..

      and communication could be wrong from either side

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        sure but this isn’t really what i’m referring to… i’m always open to saying i don’t know something or if i need further explanation. i really mean that people start a discussion/argument then proceed to tear down my counter-argument or gained knowledge by telling me they don’t understand me when really it’s because they do not want to admit fault or flaw in their beliefs.

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          didn’t want to keep this in the same comment to you in case it was too long/you dont care. i am just writing out my thoughts…

          for example, i object to outlandish conspiracy theories–not skepticism–because i believe that they are a way to find a mythical evil when we have history and theory to turn to. such conspiracy theories as ‘9/11 was staged’ or that there’s an ‘israeli lobby’ lack nuance and do not explain the phenomenon of suffering or what leads to it. instead it explains them away. why is it in the US interest to support apartheid when we know it to be harmful? the answer isn’t that there are evil israelis (and people mean jewish when they say this, a big anti semitic red flag) just going around forcing people as much as there’s severe interest in the west to gain control of the middle east. i do not believe that trump drinks baby blood to foster hate, i believe that there’s years and years of human history to show just how we got here.

          my father, however, likes to tell people that he knows “secret groups” are real–he’s a very smart dude but i think his personal trauma makes him more susceptible to this idea–or other things of that nature.

          and people take that as truth and it becomes a problem. i literally had this discussion last week and a family friend said, “i didn’t know just how deep this ran” and it hurts me to see people i love and know accept this without interrogation. these are “learned” people. so, i do not agree, i think it ahistorical, and i think it’s an argument that takes a while to unlearn due to the popularity of these theories now and how attached one can get to them. you can gain access to misinformation so easily!

          so i set up my counter-argument, or challenge this deeply because it’s awful but my father’s response is “you don’t know what you’re talking about” “what’s your point?” “this doesn’t make sense” and then my mother jumps in to support him because she loves him.

          that makes it almost impossible to finish my thoughts and i’m now on the defensive, embarrassed, and fearful that my points don’t make sense. essentially, the doubts they have are turned around on me and where i have knowledge and evidence it’s invalid because they can say they claim to not understand what i’m saying!

          i believe my explanation is sufficient, both in this example and explaining why i feel the way i do, but there’s only two answers now:
          – the person decides to actually listen and think about what i have brought up
          or
          – i do not make sense simply because my view and understanding is very different

          i wouldn’t call it gaslighting it’s just a way to shut someone down. we can all be tangential but i realize the difference between my intense rambling and what i do know in a structured discussion. and if i doubt myself i try my best to calm down, regroup, and start the explanation again. a lot of this is insecurity on my part though and i hate feeling like i’m not heard. but it’s so invalidating.

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            oh! thanks for explaining.. i get it now..

            True…seen this a lot.. no one questions anyone

            I am your dad…and you are my mom.. but my mom ends up giving up on me with her standard line “that is why you should read” and walks away 😛 ( i am not trying to make a joke really.. but i understand when you gets that dismissal again and again and from your close ones.. strangers are easier to deal with)

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            tbh i have the same issue my dad does sometimes i’ll just go “I’M RIGHT” and “u dnt know what ur saying” and i learned it from im lmao

            thre’s all stuff we can work on for better communication (IF we are being sincere!!! hahah) and it’s ok, it is sort of funny. in the grand scheme of things could be worse u no

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          oh ok.. i see..

          you need a copy of “How to tame the obstinate fools” 🙂

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how do i express my discontent without yelling at everyone in my life. why am i so disappointed? AND WHY DO I MISS UHM TAE GU ;-;

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    ugh now that you brought him up I miss him too :'( MY GRAVELLY VOICED KING

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what can be consistently compelling about teens with services on hand and the harsh environment v. no access and austerity. theres so much in class relations kdramas deliberately simplify. silly

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i cant beieve im saying this but im right on the internet and i have no backup smdh https://mydramalist.com/32555-tharntype-the-series?r=notif&_nid=14303231#comment-2704791

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    You are fighting with fandom, there is no chance they would listen.

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      this is what i get for going on when im on ambien. i literally wrote a dissertation. one good thing tho is someone msgd me and wanted to know mroe of my thoughts and i got to link them to some stuff!!! hope they come out of it with something good

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        It is a good comment on the whole BL genre, and good it is there for uninitiated to read upon, I feel the same but would never muster energy to produce such an essay 😉 but the further discussion usually is futile.

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          hahahah ty and ur correct that’s why i need a job ;-;

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      but yes wise one…sigh >:(

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im sad running mates is over but i think they could do another? it was genuinely interesting. idk i dont feel good or bad about it. im glad i watched it!

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wow lee yo won! omg i didnt know there were only 14 eps lmao hm that woulda made more sense to me

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happy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but not completely and also pls for the love of christ talk abt solving societal problems instead of ridiculous ideas of punishment but at least she doesnt SUPPORT it
🙂

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on another note my best friend is driving me up the fucking wall rn i want to strangle her

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    it took me ages and i mean ages to beg her to get fucking healthcare. my life is way way way more secure than hers financially but the company she works at (and i used to work at) has a decent healthcare deal…better than my hcp now (help via aca) but i need her to grow up. take responsibility for your life, don’t make me tell you something is stupid when it is, make better fucking choices, dont allow dudes to manipulate you, and work towards your goals. i dont want to hear about another 4 yrs in school and misery, i don’t want to know that the only things that make you happy are material, and i don’t want to feel like i wait and wait and wait and wait for someone to acknowledge me.

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      i was really upset because it had been a year since i made my film and she hadn’t asked about it, hadn’t seen it, nothing. then she would barely give me any feedback. and being told that certain things only make you happy is really annoying to hear from someone who is there for you not out of obligation but because the love is IMMENSE.

      i need to get my shit together too! i am INCREDIBLY hard to deal with! bossy, controlling, need people to live the way only i think they should. overbearing. when i was incredibly sick mentally, i couldnt handle anything. i was barely there and i was in so much pain bc of my family life and eating disorder. sometimes i was mean, most times i was really hungry lol. unfortunately i have always been this way but no matter how long it takes, i will never stay in a place where i can’t live. i may not know that i will even live through the pain, but only i control myself. i constantly search for life answers and that is determined by ME and ME ONLY. this isn’t some bootstraps bs it’s straight up that i hate being told what to do and i live on my terms or not at all.

      and i want to have that with her and the people i love the most…

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