an open letter to my healing heart

I miss you?
(can I actually say that)

I miss the way you’d talk about the sunset as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world
I miss the good morning texts waiting by my bedside when I arose every morning
I miss the look you’d give me before you said “fuck you” after I roasted you
I miss our stupid arguments
Like that time we spent 3 hours arguing about whether or not I could lay eggs
I miss all of our inside jokes
And the way you’d continuously mock my need to do a facemask every night

I miss the way you’d hesitantly share your favorite bands, as if you were afraid I wouldn’t like them
Now my spotify is littered with all of OUR songs
The songs you gave me, when you were vulnerable enough to admit that you weren’t okay
I miss sharing ghost stories at 3am when neither of us can fall asleep
I miss everything about you
And it killed me when you started ignoring me

I was prepared to list out all the reasons I hated you
But I can’t.
Today in class you smiled at me and took my side in an argument and I swear I melted on the inside
I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to
And it kills me that I don’t know why

Did I love you as more than a friend?
Only the moon knows the answer to that
I did feel something for you
And I am not ashamed to admit that
Maybe it was on an intense platonic level
Or maybe it was infatuation

Either way, thank you for letting me love you
Thank you for letting me experience a level of friendship I didn’t know I could achieve
Thank you for always having my back
Thank you for encouraging me to continue writing
Thank you for having such a profound effect on my life
And most importantly, thank you for making me feel something,
Even if it lasted for a short while.

Love,
February

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