Winter Heart
A #LoveFebruary Thought

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    I love traveling alone. 
    Last week I didn’t start a #LoveFebruary post because I was traveling with family. And I came back five times as tired. 
    You see, my family is into itineraries. Like, serious, by-the-dot activities, with back-up plans and alternate routes. Sometimes I think it’s very posh and organized. 
    But sometimes I want to just do one of two things: walk aimlessly, or sit and observe. 
    The last few months have been difficult. And that week was worse. I was keeping track of news about my profession: taxes and administrative healthcare. I was keeping track of the recent travel precautions. I was keeping track of the itinerary and budget. I was keeping track of grad school. I was thinking and considering and wondering and worrying. 
    I was keeping track of my inner demons. 
    Lately I haven’t felt like being a doctor was making me happy. People depend on you to be a rock, but you’re actually turning into dust. 
    I cannot express negative feelings to my family because I’m “not supposed to think about such things”. It’s “unbecoming” of a physician. They think I should “heal myself”. 
    Or if I don’t like it, practice elsewhere. 
    My non-medical friends don’t really understand either. They like having a doctor-friend they can “rely” on. A sad doctor? How weird! 
    There’s a winter in my heart that’s colder than -13 degrees. 
    Maybe love is dead before February even thaws out.

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      @khalessymd – it sounds like you need a break, and need someone to say “listen to your heart”.

      It sounds like you need to NOT be a doctor anywhere for awhile. Is that possible? Sending you strength – Hwaiting!!!

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        right now im channelling broke grad student anyway haha. 🙂 thanks for the support. <3

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      You know you can always write and vent here, right? Burnout is a real thing and you seem to be in its clutches. It does sound like you need a change though. I have a neonatologist friend who was spinning her wheels in a for-profit hospital system and although she loved her colleagues, she hated the system and was so burned out she wished she had appendicitis so she could be hospitalized for a couple days to rest. So she left. She’s happier in an academic center now and does talks on burnout to other doctors, recognizing the signs before it’s too late. There a reason our profession has the highest suicide rate of them all. No one feels they can talk about their struggles, like you’ve said. We’re all here for you! And there are lots of depressed doctors. We hide it well, but no one is immune. That’s why when one falls off the ledge no one sees it coming. Fighting, fellow female physician!!!

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        Thank you! It’s kind of strange I don’t really do regular social media like Facebook, but I find a lot of comfort here.

        I’ve been enjoying grad school more than clinic but even tho I have a scholarship, it’s not enough to live, so I still need to work.

        The other day, a patient commented on my week of absence as: “you keep leaving us” / “you’re always out of town”, so I was so extra offended because I’ve only taken an out of town leave maybe once or twice a year. Maybe patients mean it as a joke (or not, since im the only one of my subspecialty) but it just really hurt.

        Im trying to work out a schedule with a therapist & though we haven’t figured it out yet, we will get there.

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      It’s unfair that you’re not allowed to be tried, unsure of yourself or even just express doubts just because of your profession. I understand the need to just be. It sounds like you need a week off to sit at the beach (or at home) with no one (who knows you) around and just be. Lots of hugs to you.

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        <3

        I do want to go away alone so badly! I hid at our condo today because I just didn't want to see anybody. I wish I had enough money to climb Mt Fuji with strangers who won't judge me. Ah that would be amazing.

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          I think you need a break. Just to have fun. Be free. Do the things that you like. Get far, far away from your job and family and responsibilities. Even a short break can do wonders. You sound so tired.

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      First off: sending you the biggest, tightest hugs. I’m not in the medical field, but I can’t imagine the stress and strain that must accumulate. I hope you get the space/time/rest/whatever you need. <3 <3 <3

      Second off: I *am* in the writing/reading/words field, and this is an incredibly nice phrase–such a powerful sentiment, beautifully phrased, wonderfully illustrated. "People depend on you to be a rock, but you’re actually turning into dust."

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      I think it’s really important to express your negative feelings and to talk about being burned out, even if you love your job. I love my current work, it’s much more fulfilling than my previous position which was putting me in a very negative headspace.

      But I’ve been having health issues lately – which it looks like aren’t serious, thank God, but I was under a lot of stress trying to figure out what was wrong, and work was piling up, so my stress was through the roof. By the end of last year, when I was about 16 months into my current position,which I love, I realized that no matter how much I loved my work I was getting burned out, and it was taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I hadn’t taken a real break in a year. I hadn’t had time to myself in months. I could feel my anxiety getting worse, and my depression trying to creep up again. There was nothing more irritating than my mother just saying “be grateful you have X, Y, and Z”. I told her, that you can have X, Y, and Z and still also feel overwhelmed and tired and burned out. The two are not mutually exclusive.

      I made it a point to tell people in my life “yes, I’m grateful for my work, and I’m glad my health is OK, but it’s a lot right now. I’m tired and I need to rest up.” The life/work balance is tricky in professions where you need to support others as a part of your job. It’s OK to be burned out and take time to rest. It’s really hard to admit it because we live in a society where we’re constantly told to just be grateful for what we have, and that focusing too much on our own needs is selfish; we forget that we can’t be good at what we do if we’re not well.

      So, it’s OK to be burned out, and to question. It’s good to recognize it. But the most important thing is to know it’s OK to take care of you for a while too.

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        🥰 what we all need from time to time: thats its OK to be not OK so we can work on being OK 😢

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