Beanie level: Candy

#HiByeMama has had the most beautiful ending. I didn’t know I could cry this much or this many times in a single episode. Going to truly miss the stellar cast and the beautiful, beautiful characters.

3
2

3
3

BEANIES STOP WHAT YOU\’RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND GO WATCH ITAEWON CLASS FIRST EPISODE NOW!

5
4

K-Quote of the Day:

“I’m sure you have things you miss in the old times…
that you can’t go back to.”

– Hotel Del Luna
.
.
.
Someone once told me a story of the time he found out his mother had aborted a sibling a couple of years ago. He was inundated with a massive barrel’s worth of a cocktail of emotions, outraged and devastated and angry and upset. He felt the loss of a sibling he never knew existed. But what had upset him the most was this: When I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she said she forgot about it. Forgot! Who forgets an abortion???!

It sounds horrible and neglectful. But isn’t forgetting a blessing? If she hadn’t forgotten, she would be living with raw pain every day. We do move on with time. Time is a blessing because it lets us forget the intensity of the emotions of that moment. When I told him this, he was blown away. It’s not that his mother didn’t care—whatever circumstances were surrounding the abortion didn’t matter. It was that she once felt an intensity of pain that no one would want to wish on their worst enemy. Moments of remembering were fine. A lifetime of remembering is a mental prison sentence.

It’s the same principle with the things we can’t return to. The beautiful memories, the times we wish to return to. They’re like flowers preserved between two pieces of clear glass: beautiful to look at, but unreachable, and if we ever succeed in shattering the glass to get to the flowers, they’d be vulnerable to rotting with time. Those things we miss in the old times…they’re beautiful where they are. The blessing is in the fact that they are moments of happiness locked in time, those moments we remember, that we want to remember. It’s a blessing to forget the sad moments. It’s a blessing to remember the happy ones. And it’s a blessing they’re all locked in time, because they are preserved where they belong.

Here’s to making new moments we can miss in the future, and resolutely plowing through the sad moments in the present, knowing we’ll long forget the pain they came with.

12
2

Think I’m going to start a new thing for myself. Let’s see how consistent these stream of consciousness reflections will be!

K-Quote of the Day:

\”When the day breaks…
I hear the clip-clop…of people’s footsteps.
Hearing that sound from underneath my covers…makes me feel so lonely.
You couldn’t even imagine.
The feeling that I’m the only one not rolling forward.
So, sometimes… I sit outside near the door, early in the morning.

Because I want to feel as if I’m rolling forward with them, too.”

-Jung Hee, My Ajusshi
.
.
.
Am I the only one here?

I don’t know if it’s a byproduct of the rat’s race global society we live in, but I’ve developed a fear of getting stuck. Perhaps it has to do with one of the darkest times of my life, where depression told me that laziness was no longer a choice, it was an enforced state of being. When that happens, when you’re direction-less, listless, without purpose—but with a deep want for purpose, it’s like a battle within yourself. You feel dead, but you feel uncomfortable. That discomfort is the light. It’s the sign that you’re not okay with the depths you’ve fallen into, that as bleak as things may seem on the surface of your own heart, the candle of hope is still burning deep inside you. It just needs to be tended to.

And although we can make much social commentary on the ills of a hyper productive society that expects too much [ironically, or maybe fittingly, coupled with a global epidemic of procrastination], the fact remains that more often than not, we will all arrive at a time when we ask, “Am I the only one here?”

And I think the answer is, yes, you are for the moment, because you own this journey, and this journey is yours for the making and also no, you’re not the only one here because others have been here in the past, and others are here now, and still others will pass by here in the future and that brings a sense of togetherness that is unparalleled.

Yes, people are rolling forward, Jung Hee. But if you turned around and saw that there are people who’re stuck just like you are, perhaps your wait won’t feel so lonely anymore. And then one day, we’ll clip-clop our way forward too.

11
11

    Aw, I wish I could format this post so that all my italics and line breaks would stay.

    1
    1

    At times I think if the urge for productivity is a very capitalist ideology. We are told that our lives cannot be at peace if we are not churning our energy in sth, but also weirdly one thinks this is true. It is applicable to me who also thinks she has stopped in a world that keeps on moving and I have the urge to move with them too.

    0
    1

      100%! I’ve heard that comparison a lot, and I’m inclined to agree that it is very capitalistic. But I guess what can define that urge for productivity is the intention and purpose behind it. Is it the pursuit of money? Is it that we think happiness comes from productivity? Is it running away from something that makes us pour ourselves and fret over using every single minute? So many ways to think about it…

      0
      0

    Thank you for sharing this~! It was lovely to read.

    1
    1

    For some reason my post has disappeared 🙁 Just re-posting below for timestamp purposes.
    ——————————————————————————————–

    Think I’m going to start a new thing for myself. Let’s see how consistent these stream of consciousness reflections will be!

    K-Quote of the Day:

    “When the day breaks…
    I hear the clip-clop…of people’s footsteps.
    Hearing that sound from underneath my covers…makes me feel so lonely.
    You couldn’t even imagine.
    The feeling that I’m the only one not rolling forward.
    So, sometimes… I sit outside near the door, early in the morning.

    Because I want to feel as if I’m rolling forward with them, too.”

    -Jung Hee, My Ajusshi
    .
    .
    .
    Am I the only one here?

    I don’t know if it’s a byproduct of the rat’s race global society we live in, but I’ve developed a fear of getting stuck. Perhaps it has to do with one of the darkest times of my life, where depression told me that laziness was no longer a choice, it was an enforced state of being. When that happens, when you’re direction-less, listless, without purpose—but with a deep want for purpose, it’s like a battle within yourself. You feel dead, but you feel uncomfortable. That discomfort is the light. It’s the sign that you’re not okay with the depths you’ve fallen into, that as bleak as things may seem on the surface of your own heart, the candle of hope is still burning deep inside you. It just needs to be tended to.

    And although we can make much social commentary on the ills of a hyper productive society that expects too much [ironically, or maybe fittingly, coupled with a global epidemic of procrastination], the fact remains that more often than not, we will all arrive at a time when we ask, “Am I the only one here?”

    And I think the answer is, yes, you are for the moment, because you own this journey, and this journey is yours for the making and also no, you’re not the only one here because others have been here in the past, and others are here now, and still others will pass by here in the future and that brings a sense of togetherness that is unparalleled.

    Yes, people are rolling forward, Jung Hee. But if you turned around and saw that there are people who’re stuck just like you are, perhaps your wait won’t feel so lonely anymore. And then one day, we’ll clip-clop our way forward too.

    0
    0