I’ve pushed back on posting this particular LF post. Embarrassment? Fear? Both? Anyway…

Dear Diary

“What if you save yourself for marriage and no one marries you?” the meme read.

I laughed good and hard when my friend sent that meme to our group chat. A little too hard maybe? I sent back a quip about being perpetually single then we laughed some more before going back to our jobs and studies.

I did find it funny 🤷‍♀ but I will admit that I was also trying to drown the voice inside my head that reminds me I’m single and may very well be for the rest of my life. You know, the doomsday conspirator that lives inside all of us.

I didn’t grow up with a very good (irl) representation of romantic love. What I know about it would send anyone running for the hills. You’d think that would have made me write love off but nope, I want it in all it’s sappy, dopey glory. When I was in high school my singleness depressed me. During my first attempt at college, it bothered me. In the last four years, I’ve managed to convince myself that I don’t care one way or another…almost.

But the truth is I am quite interested in this romantic love they speak of. I want to hold hands too, kiss too, make plans about having twins that look like me too, grow old with someone too.

On most days I can almost forget it’s something I want. After all, there’s still so much I want to do and more often than not, thoughts of those escapades occupy so much of my mind that marriage gets stuck in the “open later” compartment.

And then there are days after I’ve laughed a little too hard about waiting forever and I’ve joked about being perpetually single for the umpteenth time, I look at my life and wonder.

Do I want it now because society has said I must be married and settled with babies at my hip and a house to my name at “this age”? Or is it simply a personal dream born out of starvation of good lovin’? I’ve mostly stopped measuring my progress in life by society’s standards so it has to be the latter. Or something else entirely.

All I know is, I laughed a little too hard at a meme and cried a little too much when Seri and Mr. Ri(CLOY) were having their heart to heart about having kids together.

So could you maybe send me a little

Love, February?

38
25

    (this may end up in one of my LF posts, you may see it twice, but i genuinely wanted to send it to you after i read this lovely post, too.) when my brother was in kindergarten, they would have “circle time” in the mornings—the children would sit down on their mats in a circle, and they would go around and talk about things. and i don’t exactly how it worked–maybe on a child’s birthday or something?–but there was one day when the children would talk about what they hoped for or wanted. And after each child said what they wanted, the rest of the class would raise their hands and wiggle their fingers and cheer, “Weeeee *WISH* that for you!” All that is to just to say, I read this, and my first thought was “iiiiiiii WISH that for you!” <3 <3 <3 big hugs.

    14
    1

      I didn’t tear up when I was reading your comment 🥺. I just have allergies that’s all. Thanx 🥰 ❤

      9
      1

    Sending you all the ❤❤❤❤, rue.

    5
    1

    I’m a hopelessly romantic, and I’m single. And that may be the reason why I’m still single.
    I also believe that being in relationship is the best way to be, but only if it’s better than being on your own.
    I’ve learned to be happy, and I’m a happy person. I love arriving to an empty home after work and having all that time to myself. I’m surrounded by loving friends and family. My life is beautiful.
    And even so, sometimes, it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, being the SeRi that meets Mr. Ri (and has the happy ending I’m afraid they won’t have… ooops).
    In the meanwhile, I enjoy life as it comes.
    Sending you love 🙂

    9
    1

      “I also believe that being in relationship is the best way to be, but only if it’s better than being on your own.”

      I love this 👆!

      More often than not the “aunties” in my life seem more interested in just getting me to the altar than in me finding the right person. I’ve heard variations of “Love comes later. It did for us” or “You’re going to become less desirable after you turn 30 then you’ll have to marry a divorcee or an old guy”.

      6
      0

    This resonates with me quite a bit, actually…. Thank you for sharing @rueffie

    I come from a broken family (dad walked out on us) and through the years, I’ve had multiple people–including my own mom– asking me if all the family drama and the family dynamics situation has ever impacted whether or not how I see marriage and starting a family. On the contrary, it’s actually made me want even more and to pray even harder for the chance to start my own family with someone I love.

    Yet, I’m here, 29 by late-April, single, currently unemployed, with no one.

    A lot of times I DO question myself things like, “Am I closing myself too much?”, “Are my walls just built up a little bit too high (as a result of all the family drama and never having the secure feeling that a daddy gives his little girl)?”, “Do I need to stop naturally reflexing and friend-zoning all the guys I know?”, “Am I not worthy of love?”, “Am I not worthy of having a marriage and a family of my own?”, “Am I CAPABLE of having a love, a marriage, and a family of my own?”

    …. And then I have other days where I’m like, “Screw the standards of society and what it tells women is a “good time and age” to have a boyfriend/husband/family” …..

    13
    3

      Every age is a good age to be happy.
      Just think about this: if you want to have a couple by all means, you will have it. Just go outside and get one. But you know you want someone in your life to be happier, not just to “have” someone.
      Everyday I see people that have done what they were supposed to do “by the book”: go to school, go to college, get a girlfriend or a boyfriend, get married, buy a house, have child, then another, walk the dog, work every day, and they are not happy. Because somewhere in the way they’ve lost themselves.
      Of course there are lots of people that do exactly that and are happy (I’ve told you about my friends M and H and their son A. in my posts… they are sooooo happy together it can make you have a sugar rush).
      I’m really tired of the “sad look” I get when I tell people I’m not married and I don’t have children.
      I once shouted to a woman who told me, that it was a pitty that I would be single when I could be making a man happy… There’s only one person whose happiness I care: ME.

      8
      1

      I had a minor happy-freakout moment after reading this wondering if you’re me from an alternate universe(I’m 29 too).

      I’ve asked myself those questions and then come to the “Screw the standards of society and what it tells women is a “good time and age” to have a boyfriend/husband/family”
      moment too.

      8
      1

      My family is not self-aware enough to ask those questions. I just get asked, “So isa, when are you getting married?”
      Every. Single. Woman in my family has cheated on her SO. My great grandma, great aunt, grandma, aunts, cousins ALL of them have cheated on their SOs.
      My dad left when I was 3, came back when I was 7 and cheated on my mom once when I was a teenager.
      I have had not one single good marital example in real life. But as an adult who has had married friends–I envy that relationship with their spouse. I obviously dont know everything that happens in those marriages (just like I dont know the details of my parents and family members marriages) but theres a very human part of me that craves that relationship. I’ve always been an outsider, being in a marriage seems like it would offer the feeling of belonging.

      4
      1

        but theres a very human part of me that craves that relationship.
        being in a marriage seems like it would offer the feeling of belonging.

        I agree with this. It’s just a different kind of relationship and belonging that I’d like to experience.

        3
        0

    Love, February, and March, and April, and…

    4
    0

    Your journey of wondering where love was during high school, college and now is the same as me. And i also have that ‘open later’ compartment. I don’t really mind what society wants from me, since I consider myself too young to be bothered by it (im 24) but my cousins who are older are single too, and family members as well as friends say not to follow their path. 😂. But sometimes, there’s a certain fear, that I might be like them. But for now, im brushing that off.

    Im sending you ❤️❤️💕💕 may you find your love, that the wait will be worth it ❤️

    4
    1

      Thanx, I’ll take the ❤️❤️💕💕 and hold on to that for now 🙂

      3
      0

    I could have written this. I remember turning 30 and throwing myself on my best friends couch and looking at her with tears in my eyes and saying that I just may be single forever. She swatted me, as best friends do and said that “of course you’ll find somebody!”
    I turn 37 in May. Its little things that remind me that I’m alone and would prefer not to be.
    Coworkers who make less than I do but can always afford to go out to eat for lunch because its not just their income paying all of the bills.
    Bringing in groceries
    Being sick and having no one to check on me (but this one is also I still havent made real friends in this city yet)
    Reading/seeing/feeling something and turning to tell someone who’s not there. Its not a huge something, not worth calling someone to say, but a silly aside that you would tell someone sitting next to you or in the next room but not something that you would mention in a phone call with a friend.
    needing a hug. My brand of introvert is very much keep out of my bubble. I am NOT a hugger. But sometimes…I need a hug. But Everyone who knows me knows that I prefer not to be touched. A someone would be the exception. I’ve driven down to visit my dad SOLELY to get a hug before.
    Two of my coworker were jokingly laughing and telling stories of things that their SOs had done recently and one of them turned to me, “Doesnt that seem soooooo fun , [isa]? Why don’t you get a boyfriend too!” This was said with affectionate eye rolls towards the men who werent even there. A comment for the two women in the room in relationships. It brought a little tear to my eye…” I WOULD BE IF I COULD FIND THE GUY!” Both of these women have also been in longterm relationships for a long time, one recently celebrated a 15 year anniversary with her partner, the other 9 years. Neither of them wants to get married and they roll those eyes at me when I say I do.
    Sigh.

    2
    1

    I completely understand what you mean,I seem to get a weekly from relatives, when are you settling down and here is this guy who is XYZ, who also sounds dead boring.
    Anyway I feel like whatever will happen, will happen but I think fate could get a move on.
    Let’s manifest this into the universe ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

    1
    1

      Anyway I feel like whatever will happen, will happen but I think fate could get a move on.

      Lol, fate surely is taking her sweet time.

      2
      0

    As a perpetually single woman in her late twenties who has never had a relationship last long enough for a romantic valentines, yet who hosts irl Valentine’s Day parties and online Valentine’s Day love challenges, I feel, all of this.

    I’m not against romantic love, but I second what others have commented above that “if all you truly wanted is a relationship, you would have one.” But we are romantics, and a relationship has to truly be better than the awesomeness that is our lives lived, not singly, but with friends and family, careers, hobbies, and pets surrounding us ~ someone who can recognize that and walk into the curated space we already strive to make our lives would be/will be special indeed (I’m not saying people won’t meet their Mr Ri(ght), just that it isn’t necessary).

    I shocked some women I just met last month because I referred to myself as “happily single” when the conversation turned to our personal lives. Apparently they hadn’t heard some one respond with contentment there. 🙄

    1
    1

      I agree. I would hate to be in a relationship just for the label. Whoever I let into my world has to add value to what’s already there just as I hope to add value to what they already have in theirs.

      1
      1

        Exactly! My favorite metaphor lately is that life is a game ~ any person you add to your player party should be someone who makes the game easier or more fun, not make it worse just because you feel you need a player two.

        1
        0