Beanie level: Chaebol’s poor doppelganger

or the final Love, February post, it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t talk about my Mother. My Mom is my best friend. I talk to her every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Our relationship is complicated, but in an uncomplicated way which won’t make sense to anyone, but me. I love my Mom more than anything. I truly can’t imagine my world without her. I always tell her she is my soulmate.

She wasn’t a perfect Mom. There are definitely choices she made that had an emotionally detrimental effect on me and my brother, but when I stopped looking at her as just a Mom and started seeing her as a human being, I came to understand her. She did the best that she could with the circumstances she was in, which is what we all do. Her life hasn’t been easy and she also has to bear the effects of her decisions so why I should I hold it against her. The best thing for me to do is to be there for her and love her.

And I do. I love her so much. I’m a better person because I have her. She comforts me and laughs with me. She makes me feel less alone in this very lonely world. She is the Sophia to my Dorothy. The Lorelei to my Rory.

There would be no me without her.

Love,
February

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I was going to try to come up with something super poetic and meaningful for this Love February post, but this week has exhausted me.

What I WILL say is you Beanies are AMAZING. No one I know in real life likes k-dramas and to be able to come here is a haven for me. You all are awesome!

Love,
February

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I’ve caught feelings. That seems like an odd statement to make since everyone has feelings, but I’m an odd case. Due to my upbringing I wasn’t allowed to have feelings. I learned to appear fine-unbothered by the things said about me, to me, and around me. If I felt anything negative I would suppress it. I used to describe myself as a volcano because I would suppress my feelings so much that something small would happen and I would erupt. The eruption would be brief, 5-10 minutes, and then it would subside until the next eruption in a couple of years. My Mom even said one time when she picked me up from the airport that I was very good at appearing happy. She had just realized that I wasn’t happy and I was in my mid-20’s at the time.

As I’ve gotten older, the negativity that consumed my young years is slowly dissipating. I’m learning how to cope and deal with my past and my issues. As a result, I’ve become more emotional. It’s like all of those years that I willed myself not feel anything has come back to me in full force. I get teary at the smallest thing. When I get really, really angry, I cry. I feel whatever emotion I have coursing through my body like a little energy ball.

I’m learning to like feelings. I’m learning to recognize my feelings and to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. When I’m upset, be upset. When I feel like crying, to just cry. To just be happy without preparing for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I’m teaching myself that it’s okay to be emotional. I feel like if I’m okay with being emotional it means I am healing.

Love,
February

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    @kimbapnoona @justme @greenfields @leetennant @sicarius @egads @wishfultoki @raonah @ally-le @moana @anothernicole @khalessymd @hotcocoagirl @katakwasabi @oppafangirl @bammsie @natzillagorilla @mindy @acacia @sweetiepie54 @yuyuu @waterhyacinth @isthatacorner @fatcat007

    I’m at work and feeling super stressed and angry so this just came out. Ironically enough, writing this made me want to cry, but I don’t like crying at work so I’m stopping myself from crying LOL.

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    Hugs Shek, I also start crying when I am angry. The more angry I am, the more tears start falling from my eyes. I don’t even understand why.

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      It’s a totally new thing for me. I never used to do it and then a few years I got so angry that the tears just started coming out. Every time I call my mother I have to preface it by saying I’m angry. It’s so weird!

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    I understand this so much accept that I was never particularly good at not feeling the feelings completely. I was a self mutilator. And when I gave myself permission after years of therapy to feel the things emotions felt so freaking weird. They still feel weird. Im real bad at happy or contentment. Im not sure I recognize those moments when Im in them. Not all the time,anyway. But I get you, man! It goes back to why I like stories. Emotions are so easy and obtainable in stories.

    I’m sorry that you’re super stressed and angry at work though. I feel that one, much too often.

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      Happy and content, especially content still elude me. I try to be one of those happy people, but I’m just not wired that way. I’m actually worried that I will be one of those people who will never be content in her circumstances so I’m working on that.

      Emotions are super weird!

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    Hugs to you. <3 <3 <3

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    I love this post. Thank you for sharing it.

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    *Hugs and some more Hugs*
    We’re all a work in progress as human beings *Hugs again*

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    When I was young, I thought the only thing I was good at was being happy. So I tried to only be happy, and didn’t let my other emotions show (negative emotions are ugly and dirty and you let people WIN when they see them).

    I struggle so much with this, and I still have friends (or people I considered friends) tell me they can’t handle me when I finally feel safe to show them the parts of me that aren’t okay.

    Thank you for sharing, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to not be okay. You are always welcome to share those emotions here, at least.

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Descendants of the Sun is such a ridiculous show. Yet I am still watching it.

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    I live watched this and I still don’t get the hype. Like, nothing happened. Ever.

    I mean, there were cute and “epic” moments, but honestly, that’s what youtube is for.

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      It’s a highlight reel they extended into 16 episodes. A drama is not sustained with that. It was fine for a few eps and I was able to look past it, but now it’s bothering me on a base level. It’s all flash, no substance.

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        Not a single character gets any development. You could watch the episodes in a random order and it wouldn’t matter because there is no significant growth or change at all. I don’t get it at all. I kept watching because I hoped that I’d get the hype at some point but I was so bored I think I spent most of my time “watching” scrolling instagram and cleaning my apartment.

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          Every country secretly loves flag waving and Tales of Their Glorious Troops. Actually, considering mandatory military service I’m surprised there aren’t more dramas based around it.

          This was typical Kim Eun Sook: a gorgeous over-produced piece of nothing.

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          You know what’s even more scandalous? I didn’t even feel the chemistry between the leads everyone goes on about and they’re married now… O_O

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            Same.

            Kim Ji-won and Jin Goo had more chemistry but their story was kind of dumb. Hell, Song Joong-ki and Jin Goo had the most chemistry of any pairing on that show.

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            I don’t feel it either. Nothing. I wonder if it was all saved for their real life cause in this show nothing.

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      I watched it over a year after the buzz and I skipped more parts than I watched. I still can’t figure out why it did so well. If it’d done okay or good, it would have made sense. Joon-ki wasn’t even an A-list A-lister. The show made him that big! It was nothing but fluff!

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        I keep asking myself that question- how was this such a popular drama? I know it’s a Kim Eun Sook drama and all that denotes, but like HOW?! I was actually look SJK’s filmography last night and was reminded how little he had done. I knew him from Running Man, Nice Guy (which I didn’t finish) and Werewolf Boy (which I didn’t see). This was his big drama.

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          While Goblin was slightly better, it had the same ‘flash no substance’ thing going on. LDW and GY saved the drama even though it had so much potential. I’d already written off Kim Eun Sook’s dramas as that – fancy, blockbuster but very lackluster! She did admit to it in an interview so, yeah. It was what made me almost write-off Mr sunshine but while I didn’t finish it, I’d heard it didn’t disappoint!

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            I couldn’t finish Goblin. While the characters were better and the writing a little more interesting the bloated episodes made me lose interest. I got halfway through episode 8 before I realized I was forcing myself to watch and decided to quit. As much as I loved Goblin and Reaper I could not sit through an hour and a half to only get a millimeter of plot movement. Plus, Yoo Inna was totally underused. I don’t fully get why her character was developed that way? Like, she was literally a female plot device, which, ugh. She had so much potential when they hinted that she may be a fairy or something at the beginning.

            I realized early on Kim Eun-sook’s writing style isn’t for me, but I gave her a shot whenever the story/cast seemed interesting. And even then I’ve always come out of her dramas feeling my time was wasted. The only one I think I genuinely enjoyed was City Hall which is ancient. I would’ve given Mr. Sunshine a chance, but it was just so loooong and I’ve been too disappointed too many times to try again.

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            @esther OMG Goblin. I remember watching it and thinking this should be way better than it is. I definitely enjoyed it on some level, but it is so flawed. When comparing DOTS and Goblin, they both have that highlight reel feel, but it’s more fleshed out in Goblin so it wasn’t as noticeable, at least to me until after the fact. Totally agree that LDW and GY saved that drama. If anyone ever asked me if they should watch it, their bromance would be the only reason I would tell them to watch and honestly just youtube that ish. The romance between the leads annoys me so much.

            @snarkyjellyfish We are of the same mind when it comes to Goblin. The episode length was killer. Especially cause not much happens in the episodes tbh. There was just so much potential and it just went by the wayside. I didn’t realize she did City Hall. It was one of the first dramas I watched and I liked it though I remember thinking that it dragged at some point. I’m still going to give Mr. Sunshine a shot…at some point….maybe…in like 5 years….

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        Right? And there’s nothing wrong with fluff – I love fluff! But this wasn’t even good fluff? It was mediocre bordering on banal. Nothing. Ever. Happened. Even the cheesiest of fluff has character development and clear story arcs.

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          I like fluff too. I mean I saw Strong Woman Do Bong Soo! I agree, this was particularly boring. Apart from the much parodied helicopter and flying scarf scene, I don’t remember much of the drama. I just remember googling eyes, cheesy lines and very a attractive couple. I never understood the villain or why he was there. I think there was more than one..? It was just fancy!

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            If someone asked me to describe DoS it would be this: Pretty people do stuff in a military camp. That’s it. That’s the entire drama.

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            The villain is such a joke. He’s not at all threatening. Not in the slightest. He reminds me of one of those villains who twist their mustache while saying something evil. At least he’s cute.

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          This is bad fluff. How it’s even possible to make bad fluff is beyond me, but this is it!

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    I lasted for about 6 episodes until the ridiculousness got to me.

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They make my life infinitely better. Even though we are miles away from each other they bring me joy daily. One is a gamer and the other is an adorable little hellion. I never knew love like this until they came into the world.

I remember when my older nephew was born. My brother sent me a picture and this wave of love overwhelmed my body. He and I have a bond. I love that he’s still at the age where we argue about who loves who more.

When my younger nephew came along it was a surprise, but a pleasant one. Strong and opinionated, he is going to be such a character when he grows up.

I see them once a year and that week and a half makes my whole year.

Love,
February

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Romance is a Bonus Book ep 4- Seeing all those destroyed books makes my heart hurt!

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Watched the 1st ep of Coffee Friends and I like it. The food and coffee looks amazing. Son Ho Jun could make me coffee any day of the week.

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I’m a Chaebol’s poor doppelganger now! It’s the small things that make me happy!

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I don’t remember how I became a reader. I remember my grandmother teaching me how to read, but it wasn’t a remarkable experience. No one in my family reads. We didn’t have books laying around the house and we never made family trips to the library when I was little. I guess it’s just something inside of me that just loves to read. I love the escape. I love the learning about characters and their lives. I love seeing a romance blossom. Going on a quest to a new land. Figuring out the killer in a race against time. Reading is such a simple act, but it is transformative. It has transformed me and I am forever grateful.

Love,
February

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2/7/19

I have many loves. I have an abundance of obsessions that I indulge in on the daily. One of those is Disney. Say what you want about the company, movies etc., to me Disney represents all things magical. It represents happiness, perseverance and love. As a child, after dinner at my grandma’s house, we would watch the news, then The Simpsons (for my older brother) and finally we would put on a Disney movie. I remember Belle with her nose in a book; saw a whole new world with Aladdin; and worried about those poor unfortunate souls with Ariel. In a childhood with few happy family moments, Disney brought me something I desperately needed and my love of it will never waver.

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In other news, I’ve finished Healer which I really enjoyed though I didn’t love the last episode. Felt like it was missing something. I can’t believe it took me so long to watch it. This show confirmed that I’m a Ji Chang Wook fangirl.

I’ve decided this is the year where I watch dramas that were either popular or super good and I’ve never gotten around to watching. If ya’ll have any suggestions of dramas I need to watch let me know. I’ve started Descendants of the Sun since it was hugely popular and I never watched it.

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    ooooo HOW FUN!!! So glad you liked Healer (even if the ending felt a little lacking). Descendants is always a treat (for me anyway), so I hope you like that one, too! Have you seen: My Love from Another Star, Queen In-hyun’s Man, Pinocchio, the Liar and His Lover, or …FAITH? (hehe, i mean it’d be weird if I passed up the chance to plug that one, right? 😉 ). Those are a few that come to mind.

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      I actually haven’t watched anything of those so I will add to my watch list. . I’m on ep 2 and I like it so far. I thought I would have a hard time with Song Joong-Ki in the role. He’s my age and I like him in general, but he has such a baby face. He’s very convincing though. I’m actually really intrigued by Jin Goo’s character though

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        yeah i thought THE SAME THING when i started. SJK seemed a little thin to me, too. but he really grew on me. its one of my all time faves now. Jin Goo’s character is a HUGE draw, too. i really really really love his plotline. enjoy <3 <3

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    Personally, I can’t get past ep 2 of DoTS. Maybe it’s just not my thing. And I don’t watch hugely popular dramas. My friends think I’m weird cuz of that, heh.

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      I’m 4 eps in and it’s okay. I’m realizing I just need to turn my brain off when I’m watching it. The plot is really thin. I remember people describing this drama as having a lot of big moments, but that’s it and I’m starting to see that. A lot of the times the popular dramas don’t appeal to me. I’ll eventually get around to watching and finding it average. There have been a couple of exceptions like Coffee Prince, but they are few and far between. I’m trying to expand my drama horizons this year so I’ll give a few a try.

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        So I hope I’m not being *too much* (disclaimer: I often am on accident), but given these comments maybe I humbly suggest you try Pinocchio next? The rom-com side is really great, but there’s also a legit plot. I remember after watching it the first time, being impressed with how much I was invested in the plot itself. (This is coming from someone who does enjoy DOTS, though, so grain of salt ;P)

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Yesterday was not a good day. Had a migraine triggered by work stress. I’m so behind on ya’ll’s Love February posts.

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2/5/19

You are still my favorite person. You may not be here anymore, but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I’d give anything to have you here again. I wonder what it would have been like if you hadn’t died before I graduated and moved back to California all those years ago. I wonder how those years would have been different for me if you were here.

I didn’t get to ask you all the questions that come to me now as an adult. You did your best to tell us about the family history, but there is so much I don’t know about you and your life. I spent as much time with you as I could when I was younger and called you 2-3 times a week my freshman year in college, but there is a big difference between 18 and 33. I wonder how you would have felt seeing your great grandchildren who would have adored you.

With every year that passes mom looks more and more like you. I vividly remember you when I bake your almond bars or lemon squares and they taste exactly how you made them. So many memories of you. There is sadness, but then there is joy because I was lucky enough to have you in my life.

You are my angel and you are my rock-always have been, always will be.

I love you Mamma. And I miss you.

Love,
February

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2/4/19
Okay here goes…

I walk in. Find my seat. Attempt to get comfortable. Silence my phone and wait. My thoughts jumble together of everything I need to do or should have done-reflecting on the week behind and the week ahead.
Then the lights dim. The projector starts. Image after image is on the screen.
This is when it happens. This is when the feeling of utter calm and peace courses through my body. I sigh in contentment and become completely absorbed in what is on the screen. I relax and get lost in the storytelling.
Sometimes I laugh; sometimes I cry; sometimes I cringe and roll my eyes, but no matter how good or bad the film is, I am happy.
Love,
February

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See all these Love, February posts makes me want to join in. You all are so talented.

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So I did go to sleep…at 3am. Not I’m at work and exhausted. Do I regret it? No. Lol

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Dilemma- I’m tired so I should go to bed. Esp since I have to work. But I also want to continue watching Healer. Decisions, decisions. 🤔

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Healer Ep 5- yep, I’m fully on board the Healer train.

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And I’m starting to understand the Lee Jong-Suk love….

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    Watch him in “Hymn Of Death”…. You’re understanding will grow even deeper 😍🥰🥰

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      watch him in anything.. the man has an aura that no one else has.. not even restricting myself to actors or koreans

      hymn of death – definitely brings out his charming traits like no other drama does

      his voice is so soothing

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So I’m digging Romance is a Bonus Book. Please don’t let me down.

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