Time to release some of my worry and stress on all you poor hapless Beanies as it has been a very trying few weeks. Sorry in advance for this long expose into my life.

A few weeks ago my mom went in for a brain surgery that is supposed to be a pretty non-invasive surgery. She has something called trigeminal neuralgia which causes intense and almost constant pain shooting down the right side of your face. She has suffered with this condition for nearly 20 years, but the last few years it has gotten to the point where it was impacting her life. So she decided to go for the brain surgery so she could finally enjoy her retirement. I was of course super worried and stressed about the whole procedure but she kept reassuring me that the doctor has done this procedure a lot and she is in good hands. My mom had told me (and the rest of the family) to not bother taking the day off from work as she would be in the surgery for a few hours and it would be later in the day. My brother, who doesn’t currently work, was there for her so we listened to her and carried on with our normal workday while being kept updated on what was happening from my brother. I am glad I was working as it kept me distracted from the fact my mom was currently undergoing brain surgery. We started to get worried when the estimated timeframe for the surgery to be completed past the hour mark. And then we got the news. During the surgery there were complications. When they tried to wake her she wasn’t really waking, so they did an MRI to see what happened and discovered she had experienced a stroke. Her stroke was a bleeding stroke and she was bleeding out into her skull which was putting pressure on her brain and causing her to be tired and not waking up. So they rushed her back into surgery to drain the blood that was pooling in her skull. The second surgery was successful but they were going to keep her under until the next morning and we wouldn’t know how much damage the stroke had caused until she was awake. It was one of the hardest and most stressful nights I had experienced. I stayed awake most of the night just worrying. The next day she was woken but due to the drugs and the swelling of her brain she was barely aware of what was going on and was mostly in and out of sleep and awareness. She was also in intense pain. I visited her that evening and seeing my strong and independent mom laying in the ICU looking like a shadow of herself broke my heart. I had to go into the back of the room to cry, hoping she wouldn’t hear me. My mom always was strong for me and this time I had to be strong for her.

The next few days were brutal. She could barely keep consciousness and when she was conscious she spent it rolling around the bed in pain. They could only give her fentanyl hourly which is one of the most powerful pain meds but it wears off quickly so they have to give it to her hourly. By Friday she seemed to have been over most of the pain and thankfully she didn’t really remember the last few days, but the effects of the stroke were showing. Due to the location of the bleed and what was impacted by the pooling blood it affected her strength and coordination on her left side and the muscles of the right side of her face. The neurosurgeon felt confident she would regain most, if not all, of her movement and coordination on her left side as that seemed to be mildly impacted, but he wasn’t sure on the right side of her face as that was more seriously impacted. She had problems swallowing, her speech is slurred, her eyesight is now seeing double and she has a pronounced droop on the right side of her face. She was talking a lot but I could only understand about 1 word in a whole conversation. She spent a week in the ICU but was finally able to move to the rehab ward. She will need dedicated therapy for the next 3 weeks to get her into good enough shape for family to be able to take care of her at home.

She is improving every day, especially with her strength on her left side. She has been able to walk a little with some help, her speech is still slurred but it’s clear enough that I can understand pretty much everything she is saying. She still struggles with swallowing so she has been on a feeding tube the last few weeks and has been supplemented with eating pureed food. And the few days following the surgery her right eye closed but now it doesn’t fully close anymore and the doctor has no idea why. She also has a hard time with therapy as she is extremely dizzy. They did another CAT scan a couple days ago to see if she might still have issues that was causing the dizziness but everything was fine. Last weekend she was finally able to text on the phone but has some issues because of her double vision. She also has gotten back into her drama watching (with Arthdal Chronicles of all things!). So she does have some big issues that will either never go away or will take a long time to heal from, but there are also small improvements every day. She has sadly been depressed and morbid at times and is upset she did get the surgery as the pain would have been better than the aftereffect of the stroke. And to add to all this there is the Coronavirus. We decided it was safer to either restrict the visits to 1 person a day or not to visit for the meantime. My mom has told us not to visit but it’s a hard decision for all of us, as I know my mom wants our presence there and I want to be there, but I’m also super worried about her getting the virus because she is very compromised physically right now and I think it would kill her. So ontop of worrying about my mom, I haven’t seen her since Monday and probably won’t see her until she is released from the hospital next Thursday (unless they change her release date). Thankfully she keeps us apprised via text of her status.

And then to add to everything we experienced a 5.7 earthquake Wednesday morning with a few big aftershocks throughout the day. I had been in a 7.8 earthquake as a kid but it still doesn’t get less horrifically terrifying to wake up to everything shaking violently. It’s hard to express just how scary a bigger earthquake is unless you’ve been in one. My mom had to be moved to a different part of the hospital as they didn’t know how structurally sound the old part of the hospital is (where she was originally at). But now I have the worry of an earthquake in mind as we live on a large active fault that has been predicted for many years that a huge earthquake is imminent, and according to seismologists, this one was not it.

And then this morning my sister just told me her work has a confirmed case of someone having the virus.

I have decided that 2020 is a horrible year. Everything seems to be coming crashing down (and not just the dishes from the earthquake) all at once. I just want to go to my mom and hug her tightly and wish everything could go back to where it was just 3 weeks ago. Spending the weekends binge watching dramas with unhealthy takeout. I have come to terms with the situation and am very grateful that she is still the same woman I love dearly and after 30+ years of her caring and taking care of me, it’s now my turn to take care of her.

I do want to thank my fellow discord beanies who have been so loving and caring and supportive and genuinely interested in my mom’s welfare. It has genuinely touched and helped me through these very tough times. I know I’m going to miss some people and I apologize if I do.
@egads @outofthisworld @mayhemf @13infamyss @beasassy @maybemaknae @thetinyl @pinklolipop @yyishere @neener @leetennant @halfmoon @ayaan @chakhanseupeu @peony @waadmay @sicarius @shach @katakwasabi @ally-le @mindy

Please stay safe everyone. You are all in my thoughts ❤️