Over the past week, I have been obsessing over this 2016 Chinese BL show called Addicted. For good reason, this show catapulted it’s rookies leads Timmy Xu & Johnny Huang into stardom. It is a slice of life, the actors are incredibly handsome & they give their all to bring the story to life like none other.

What first drew me to an otherwise ordinary plot description is the fact that the show – a very low budget production – received over 10 million views within a day of release of ep 1. It has a total of 15 episodes, and later, because of its LGBTQ content, the Chinese government would go on to ban the show off Chinese television around ep 12, and forbid the two leads from ever being seen on TV or in public, together. The story thus, remains incomplete – probably for the best since the original move descends further into tropes soon after.

Even the show does not entirely escape them. Most prominently, I was disappointed to see the story veer into the usual BL tropes in ep 10 after a wonderful first 9 episodes. Non-consent, kidnap, the resisting “wife” & the hint of the scheming girlfriend, it’s so unnecessary. Nonetheless, every other moment is done so well that when Bai Lou Yin finally consents, viewers are swept away in the emotion. The bed scene that follows is both tender and heated, both heartbreaking and full of happiness, all at the same time. I think I will remember is for a long time.

Once you start watching Addicted, you see why the Chinese government got so riled up. Bai Lou Yin & Gu Hai (the characters) are a very convincing pair. Their chemistry is electric & there’s plenty of kisses and scenes that are a prelude to sex (I had to hunt for the uncut version). Even without the kisses & the sex, it is a pleasure to watch their relationship gradually unfold. Their growing closeness, and the obvious “oddness” about Gu Hai’s feelings for Bai Lou Yin, is a treat to watch. Additionally, fans suspect that the depiction of Gu Hai’s privileges as the son of one of country’s top military officials, may not have gone down well.

Since there is no closure, I’ve been devouring behind the scenes videos & am surprised by how free, open and honest the young actors are on camera. The videos capture them as they were before they become famous & it’s refreshing to see such honesty. I’ve also been watching them in later shows – but without exception they play cool male leads in whatever I watched. Whether it’s Johnny Huang in Operation Red Sea or Timmy Xu in some silly, forgettable romance. Huang has retained some sense of his early honesty, but their later roles don’t have this same passion that Addicted called for.

How do I get over this show? My heart has been completely swept away in a low-budget, tropey, atmospheric BL drama that the actors can no longer even acknowledge. It’s slice of life, but not realistic, a BL aimed at a female audience, and riddled with flaws – but here I am. Crying because I can’t get enough. Maybe I should just re-watch the series.