Im sorry, I need to write this and I don’t have anywhere to put it. But in order to function today I need it out of my head and out and interacting with the world. Feel free to ignore me.

Being black in America means

just cooperate!

Smile

But not too big (that’s aggressive)

Keep your hands visible (what are you hiding? What are you reaching for?)

Don’t argue. Don’t fight. Don’t be rude (you’re not a stereotype, are you?)

Being black in America means staying calm

No matter what happens

Even if you’re being killed.

Because if you fight back while you’re being killed then you were the problem to begin with. With all of that black skin and all.

So this is what you do when dealing with police, in America.

I have been pulled over by the police 3 times in my entire life.

Once, I was pulled over for turning right at an empty cross section in the middle of the night when there was a “no rights on red” sign. I did NOT see that sign.

Once I was pulled over for going 70ish in a 25 mph zone. Yeah. I deserved that one. My foot? She’s heavy!

Both of these times that I was pulled over I was aware of police brutality. I was aware of how often black bodies are needlessly murdered by police. I’ve read the statistics. I’ve said the names. I’ve hosted programs with kids and teens so that they can have a safe space to get all of those emotions out and try to make sense of it (theres no making sense of it). But both of those pull overs happened before 2020. Before George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and all of the other police shootings that happened this year (two that I can think of happened right here in Ohio! Last. Month.)

I was pulled over this morning and my first thought was “Please don’t murder me.”

My second thought was “Oh my god. He could murder me.”

And my third thought was a jumble of everything that I’ve ever been told about interacting with the police.

My fourth thought? That shit doesn’t work.

Being polite.

Being respectful.

Being kind?

That won’t keep me alive as a black person in America.

Where I was pulled over at?

Deep in Trump county.

In a time where being a trump supporter is basically tantamount to being a member of the klan.

My interaction with the police was pleasant.

I was going 6 over the speed limit. 11 when you factor in that it’s a school zone.

He let me out with a warning.

He told me to have a nice day and a happy new year.

I said the same.

He tipped his hat and said, “don’t let me have to pull you over again!” the young lady was implied. A kind older man who looked at me and was reminded of his college age daughters, being pulled over for similar reasons.

I didn’t hear that. I heard “don’t let me have to pull you over again or next time I’ll drag you out of the car and murder you!”

Good ol’ boys.

I smiled. Told him happy year. Thanked him for not giving me a ticket and drove off.

For an hour after I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop shaking.

The entire time he was talking to me he had his hand on his gun.

Is he going to shoot me? Right now? Is he going to shoot me? Oh god is he?

So that’s how my day started.

Happy Monday, friends.