The last time I spoke to my father was after I got the first shot. He passed away five days later. I never heard his voice again. I’ll never hear it again. The last month has been one of the most surreal and emotionally exhausting times of my life. I have only just started to feel that hole in my life, and it feels like it’s getting larger each day.
Also, I got laid off today. So that’s fun.
I can’t say it was expected, but it also wasn’t entirely unexpected. I know it’s not personal (financial reasons) and I’m not angry. I’m just sad that it had such crappy timing.
I liked my work. I hate my career, but I had found a job that I liked and wanted to do. I’d been toying with the idea of leaving this year, maybe once things got better and I had time to find something new.
I kind of want to make a pivot, move to a totally new field if possible. But at my age, I don’t know. I don’t know if I have it in me right now.
I’m taking the next few days to reset and get out of town. I’m talking to people, being proactive, and working on not letting my anxiety take over and trying not to trigger my depression. It sucks, but I’ll be okay. I think.
I know that the universe works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wish that it was easier.
Oh, Snarky, I’m so sorry. I’m super impressed by your outlook, though. It’s so hard to not just let anxiety take over–lately I just constantly feel on-edge and it’s the most exhausting thing and I hate it. But you being able to spin things like this gives me some hope.
I hope you can find another job (one that you enjoy!) soon, whether it be in your current field or something entirely different. Good luck!
Remind me of this in like, 48 hours. This is my gut reaction. I know there are going to be a lot of moments of self-doubt, anxiety, and the like in the weeks and months to come. But I’m gonna try my damndest not to let them take over. That already cost me so much in the past. I can’t do that again.
It sucks (it sucks so much) but I can’t lose sight of what is important and what I can control. This week has been really hard for me, emotionally, because it also marked one month since my dad passed. Ending on this note really doesn’t feel any worse than anything else I’ve been dealing with. Like you said, I’ve been a bit on edge for months now, and this feels like a strange release, even if it’s not the most desirable thing. Like, can it get worse? Probably not. And if it does, I’ll deal. (This is not a challenge, universe.) Life keeps going on.
I am sorry for your loss.
Grief is hard and often ebbs and flows. Be gentle with yourself.
Hope a new job or whole new path opens up for you when your ready.
I’m so sorry Snarky. May God grant your father, the highest rank in Jannah and may he give sabr e jameel to those left behind. Ameen. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through but I’m impressed with your outlook and your strength! Keep fighting, you will make it through (iA).🧡🧡
Thank you, it means a lot. It’s been a hard month, but I’ve been so blessed to have many people around to support me and my family; and because of the vaccine and distancing, I’ve had peace of mind knowing that we were safe.
Ramadan is going to be hard, especially Eid. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, and the last two Eid’s were hard enough. I don’t know if it will ever be the same, but I know he will still be with me.
Thank you. This is what I struggle with the most – I am really excellent at denial, which is not really a skill anyone should brag about.
It’s been hard, learning to tell myself that it’s okay to cry, even if it’s over something as stupid; but what was even harder was all the other emotions – especially the anger – that came with the grief. Those are the ones that I haven’t felt again much since the funeral, and I don’t know when they’ll be back. It’s mostly been sadness and missing him that I feel these days. Which is why the rest of it just feels so much easier in comparison. (For now. Ask me again in a week. I’m sure I’ll be a mess by then.)
Dont rush yourself. And dont push yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do what you have to do to get through. For better or worse you have the whole rest of your life to feel the whole range of emotions. And theyll hit you in unexpected times and places. I remember sobbing at some old lady in Walmart.
My brain is slowly coming out of the fog of the last two days and I’m trying very hard not to freak out right now. I just need to make it to Thursday and I’ll be okay. Apparently my coping mechanism right now is watching J-dramas, and I’m finally watching Itazura na Kiss: Love in Tokyo, which of course made me think of you.
I may love Kotoko. She’s so adorable and ridiculous and I would also fall in love with her if i were Naoki. Also, I just reached the college part and the entire tennis storyline has me in stitches. I appreciate that the actress did not mind making herself look ridiculous for the part. Her faces are the best.
@snarkyjellyfish
First let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. Grief is never easy, and now being in the midst of the world as it is, might make some things harder. But you will get through this. Let yourself grieve for everything and celebrate the time that you did have him in your life.
On being laid off. The first time I was fired and felt so much shame my dad told me “no one is worth their salt if they haven’t been fired at least once in their life” and you know what, that’s true!
I’ve been fired and laid off numerous times and found that it was in most cases (about 99%) a blessing in disguise.
But first you have to get through the shock and everything else that goes along with it.
You sound like you have a good attitude – today – and something tells me that even on bad days you will still have a good attitude.
So I’m wishing you all sorts of goodness and grace and ways to help with your grief.
Grief – it comes and goes and that is okay.
Sending you lots of hugs from Oregon… ((((((Snarky))))))
I strongly suspect that a lot of the shock from being laid off is tempered by the grief right now. But you know what? I’ll take it. If that is what my mind needs for now, fine. I’ll deal when I have to deal.
I was talking to my cousin, and she had the best description of being let go – “it’s yucky”. Like you know it’s not personal, and you know it’s not (always) your fault, but it still feels bad. And it’s like, no matter how rational you feel about the reasons, there is something not nice about it. It’s yucky.
Right now I’m focused on getting through the next few days (hopefully shot 2 will not hit too hard) and then reaching out to contacts and putting out feelers. I have enough savings to make it through the next few months, and I’ll probably be able to find some temporary gigs as well to help with that. My cousin has been trying to fly me out to visit her, and I’m taking this opportunity to go and clear my head. A change of scenery is always good.
yep it is yucky – for now.
I just got my second shot yesterday afternoon and to be honest I’ve kinda been down for the count all day. Thank goodness for working from home and the weekend.
take good care and it sounds like you will be okay.
A change of scenery is always good – especially in spring!!
aww…there must be a lot going through your head right now. The world seems to enjoy testing those that are kind and strong. Remember it is okay to let your emotions out. If you feel depressed, it’s okay. If your anxiety kicks it, let it. Once you completely let them all out, perhaps you will find peace within yourself to move forward. It’s not going to be easy but I think the fact that you are open about it, already shows how strong you are. Trust yourself and I hope good things will come to you soon. We have your back here.
Thank you. I’ve learned that being open is the best way to heal, even if it scares me and is hard. I can’t control my anxiety and depression, but I can control how much they control me. I have had times where my depression and anxiety have caused me to sabotage myself and lose opportunities, and I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
My condolences Snarky. You are going through a real hard time, but your attitude is strengthening many around you, even here in DB with your words. You are stronger than you think are real cliched words, but I do hope you get the strength within you to keep going and not let anxiety take hold of you. You got this! I wish for you the very best in your future job endeavors!
Very sorry for your loss. When I lost my dad I didn’t cry until 6 months later (triggered by a drama). So don’t be discouraged if some days are unexpectedly worse than others — what you say is true, you’ll be okay, just hang in there. Wishing you the best for work in the future.
Thank you. I cried when we were at the hospital when he left us, I cried in the days following, I cried at the funeral, but no really big cathartic cry. I’ve cried a few times in the weeks between, when I think of him or remember something. But I don’t know when the dam will break. I’m trying not to hold my breath right now – just letting it come as it needs to. It’s just very raw right now. I made the mistake of watching a drama where the male lead was his profession, and that was rough. But also, he was nothing like the male lead – the total opposite, really. And that was weirdly comforting.
The thing is, I’m not that old (thirties) but because I have a very specific degree (law), it seems like it’ll be hard to pivot. I’m still going to try, though, because all the biggest regrets in my life are from not trying. And I refuse to let the rest of my life continue to collect “what if’s”.
My condolences, Snarky. Grieving is so very personal, and everyone has their own way of dealing with it. If I were you, I’d just go with the flow, and not force or suppress anything. It eventually works out the way it has to work out. So much seems to have happened in such a short while with you. But I’m glad you are looking at things in positive light. Wishing you all the best. And the beanies here are always a holler away, if you ever want to talk or anything at all. Take care, lots of hugs and many wishes.
Thank you. That’s what I’m trying to do – not sure how successful I am being, but I know things will work out. I strongly suspect a large part of me is just trying to process so much information and it’s just too much right now. So I’m just taking things one day at a time and tackling one problem at a time. But I love this community and it’s always been good to know that they’re here. I honestly think this space has helped me work through so many problems, and I will forever be grateful for the Beanies.
Jelly.. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I ditto the above comment that WE have your back here so even when it doesn’t seem like so now, it will eventually be fine.
I got depressed and anxious sometimes too , so I kinda understand what you are going through. Perhaps not all of it, but again, being able and choosing to acknowledge this grief and negative feelings already showed so much strength within you that is so impressive. You inspired many Jelly, to be themselves and to let them be proud of who they are, all of who they are.
When I am sad, what I need is someone to laugh a little and tell me it’s okay to be like this. I’m telling you the same too. It’s ok Jelly. The situation isn’t ok, so it’s completely ok to experience all sorts of emotions.
For the first time in my life I intentionally broke a plastic mug because I was so angry and I wasn’t able to do anything in that situation. I called my friend, cried and talked so much *** about what I had gone through. My friend laughed a little and said it was good I didn’t break a glass one so I didn’t hurt myself. Easy take on life gets you a long way and I was so grateful for my friend to have heard me out.
And *bows* sorry Plastic Mug. You have sacrificed yourself, perhaps without your intention to, but you saved my mental health. You’ve done well in this life, and I’ll try my best not to send your friends to you (soon.) 🥺
Thank you. I hope whatever I say can help others. It took me over a decade of working on myself and learning to acknowledge where I was hurting to know that it’s always better to have things out in the open rather than bottled up (though I still don’t always practice what I preach).
The first thing I did was call my brother. He’s the most straightforward person I know, and I know he’ll be honest with me no matter what. He was the one who suggested I get out of town and take a real break. Which was perfect advice and something I had been needing and planning to do. Even though the circumstances suck, I’m going somewhere where I’ll be surrounded by people I can talk to and who can help me figure out my next steps.
I also talked to a friend which was good. And I’ll contact some more people in the next few days. If there’s anything the last few weeks have taught me, it’s that I’m so blessed to have a strong system of support in my life, even if they’re scattered all over the world. I know I’ll be relying on Beanies too, even if I don’t post much. This community is just so wonderful and supportive, I don’t know what I’d do without it.
❤️ It’s ironic that without a major crisis in life people don’t normally know who actually formed their supportive system. This is one of the blessings in disguise.
I am forever grateful for the DB community here too. Without these kind Beanies I don’t know how else I could be happy sometimes.
Thank you. I know one day this will all just be a bad chapter in my past, but that doesn’t make it easier to live through in the present. But I have been blessed with an excellent support system and I know I’ll land on my feet eventually.
I’m so sorry for your loss. From experience I can tell you that that hole will aways be with you, and as time goes by you’ll just learn to live with it. Sometimes you’ll look at it with curiosity, others with a smile, and other with sadness. Grieving takes time, and every single person has their own. Don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s too long or it’s too short. It’s just the time you need.
I’m also so sorry about your job, and yes, it’s such a terrible timing. Life has this funny ways, I guess. The year my mum left us was the year that everything happened. It was so overwhelming that I felt I would collapse (and I collapsed some months later and had to take a health leave). I too agree that things happen for a reason and you will find yours. Just keep on breathing and be compassionate to yourself, because you’re the most important person in the whole universe.
And I’m really glad you have your second shot on the vaccine. You can’t imagine how glad I am. Every time I hear someone I know and care for gets it, I’m glad (and yes, I know and care about you beanies). Give it time to heal. We are here to listen.
Thank you. The weird thing is, I don’t even know if this is the worst or hardest time of my life – it probably is, but being in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as I thought. But again, I only just got here, I don’t know what the next few months look like. I’m trying to just deal with things as they come, which means that today I’ve mostly been lying in bed recovering from shot 2. I’ll think about work on Monday – I still need to go to my offices and pick up things I left behind, and return my laptop and drop off paperwork. It feels so awkward. But like I said, that’s a problem for another day.
Take one step after another.
I know it sounds cliche but time helps.
And whenever you feel it’s too much, we’ll be here.
Good thing about beanies is we are all over the globe and there’s a always someone on watch.
*hugs*
Hugs and much love from me!!! I’m sorry for your losses. It all happens for the best. My brother in law, a manager, was laid off this pandemic as well, but there’s a job opening for him in our city, so even though his family struggled to make ends meet, they may be moving closer to us! Things happen for a reason, but even if you don’t believe that, they happen and most times for the better.
Thank you. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. I knew I was starting to think about leaving my job, but I wanted to have a plan first. I don’t love the circumstances, but I will try to make the best of everything. I have luckily got savings to survive a few months, though I will be have to be extra vigilant budgeting until I can get some kind of revenue stream to supplement until a full time position comes along. And I know my family can help a bit if I really need it.
But the hardest part is really deciding what to do next – continue in this field or really make an effort to find something I love? It feels reckless and selfish but maybe this is the kick in the pants I needed to really try something different. So that’s probably going to be my biggest struggle in the weeks to come.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Snarky. Your love for you dad was palpable through your posts on this site. I will pray for him and for your family. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.
I’m also very sorry to hear about your job. For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think now is too late to start a new career. Age is less often a factor than you might think! That said, now might not be the best time for you. Nothing wrong at all with taking time to replenish your mental and physical reserves after this difficult month.
I just hope that you are well mentally and that this doesn’t worsen your anxiety or your depression. Please take care of yourself!
Thank you. So far I’ve been holding on all right – with loss comes a lot of support, and that has been helping me a lot. I’ll go visit some family for a week or so also, and I think that’ll help keep me grounded and out of the negative headspace. I’m going to explore all my options work-wise, because I think a part of me will never forgive myself if I don’t at least try. But it’s quite scary, either way, so we’ll see what happens.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know when you will see this message, but whenever you do see this, I just want to tell you that you are doing great so far!
No words or condolences will ever make your grief go away, so I won’t tell you that one day everything will be ok. And no one can ever understand the feeling of loss unless one went through it all or going through it. As someone who lost my father 3 and half years ago, I just want to tell you one thing. Time is never going to heal it. Those are just empty quotes thrown around. But what I have learned in all these years grieving is that, its going to be the shadow following us around till end of our time. Some days it will so overwhelming, we think we can never see an end to it. And then someday it will be there, in the background, hurting but still from far away and making us to breath and live the moment. Its a never ending cycle. All we can do is, whichever those day coming knocking, just embrace it, feel it and look forward to the next. And eventually you learn to live with it and embrace it as a part of life. There is no other way. When everything is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.
And I am so proud of your positive mindset. Even when life is anchoring you down, you are fighting and hoping for the best. Please dont lose your +ve mindset. Better days than these shall come. Have faith! *hugs*
Thank you. I know that even though I have rationalized my way through a lot of the last month, that pain really is always going to be there. I’ve said so many things – he lived the life he wanted, he wasn’t suffering for long, I got to hold his hand one last time, etc. – but those are all words. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with his death, but I do know that I’ll be okay. You’re right, this hole will never heal, but as long as I don’t let it take over me, I can keep going. The pain will be there, but I can live with that, because pain is a part of life.
I just got home on Monday after two weeks away, and then Ramadan started, so I’ve been doing all right. I really needed the break, and I feel okay about the whole job situation for now. Just trying to remain proactive and not dwell too much on the things I can’t control. It’s not easy, but I’m not overwhelmed either. One day at a time, and all that.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 4:10 PM
Today has been A Day.
I got my second COVID vaccine shot.
It was a bittersweet experience.
The last time I spoke to my father was after I got the first shot. He passed away five days later. I never heard his voice again. I’ll never hear it again. The last month has been one of the most surreal and emotionally exhausting times of my life. I have only just started to feel that hole in my life, and it feels like it’s getting larger each day.
Also, I got laid off today. So that’s fun.
I can’t say it was expected, but it also wasn’t entirely unexpected. I know it’s not personal (financial reasons) and I’m not angry. I’m just sad that it had such crappy timing.
I liked my work. I hate my career, but I had found a job that I liked and wanted to do. I’d been toying with the idea of leaving this year, maybe once things got better and I had time to find something new.
I kind of want to make a pivot, move to a totally new field if possible. But at my age, I don’t know. I don’t know if I have it in me right now.
I’m taking the next few days to reset and get out of town. I’m talking to people, being proactive, and working on not letting my anxiety take over and trying not to trigger my depression. It sucks, but I’ll be okay. I think.
I know that the universe works in mysterious ways and that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I wish that it was easier.
mindy
March 26, 2021 at 4:31 PM
Oh, Snarky, I’m so sorry. I’m super impressed by your outlook, though. It’s so hard to not just let anxiety take over–lately I just constantly feel on-edge and it’s the most exhausting thing and I hate it. But you being able to spin things like this gives me some hope.
I hope you can find another job (one that you enjoy!) soon, whether it be in your current field or something entirely different. Good luck!
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 4:54 PM
Remind me of this in like, 48 hours. This is my gut reaction. I know there are going to be a lot of moments of self-doubt, anxiety, and the like in the weeks and months to come. But I’m gonna try my damndest not to let them take over. That already cost me so much in the past. I can’t do that again.
It sucks (it sucks so much) but I can’t lose sight of what is important and what I can control. This week has been really hard for me, emotionally, because it also marked one month since my dad passed. Ending on this note really doesn’t feel any worse than anything else I’ve been dealing with. Like you said, I’ve been a bit on edge for months now, and this feels like a strange release, even if it’s not the most desirable thing. Like, can it get worse? Probably not. And if it does, I’ll deal. (This is not a challenge, universe.) Life keeps going on.
Beverly
March 26, 2021 at 5:18 PM
I am sorry for your loss.
Grief is hard and often ebbs and flows. Be gentle with yourself.
Hope a new job or whole new path opens up for you when your ready.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 5:25 PM
Thank you.
Learning about this grief firsthand is hard. Especially because it comes hand-in-hand with so many other emotions, and not always pleasant ones.
MeloMe
March 26, 2021 at 5:20 PM
I’m so sorry Snarky. May God grant your father, the highest rank in Jannah and may he give sabr e jameel to those left behind. Ameen. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through but I’m impressed with your outlook and your strength! Keep fighting, you will make it through (iA).🧡🧡
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 5:31 PM
Thank you, it means a lot. It’s been a hard month, but I’ve been so blessed to have many people around to support me and my family; and because of the vaccine and distancing, I’ve had peace of mind knowing that we were safe.
Ramadan is going to be hard, especially Eid. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, and the last two Eid’s were hard enough. I don’t know if it will ever be the same, but I know he will still be with me.
isa: I'm not a serial killer I'm just really passionate about things
March 26, 2021 at 5:54 PM
Oh Snarky. Thats a lot. You’re amazing for not letting the anxiety consume you–but please remember to allow yourself to feel all of it.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 6:08 PM
Thank you. This is what I struggle with the most – I am really excellent at denial, which is not really a skill anyone should brag about.
It’s been hard, learning to tell myself that it’s okay to cry, even if it’s over something as stupid; but what was even harder was all the other emotions – especially the anger – that came with the grief. Those are the ones that I haven’t felt again much since the funeral, and I don’t know when they’ll be back. It’s mostly been sadness and missing him that I feel these days. Which is why the rest of it just feels so much easier in comparison. (For now. Ask me again in a week. I’m sure I’ll be a mess by then.)
isa: I'm not a serial killer I'm just really passionate about things
March 26, 2021 at 6:47 PM
Dont rush yourself. And dont push yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do what you have to do to get through. For better or worse you have the whole rest of your life to feel the whole range of emotions. And theyll hit you in unexpected times and places. I remember sobbing at some old lady in Walmart.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 28, 2021 at 11:16 AM
My brain is slowly coming out of the fog of the last two days and I’m trying very hard not to freak out right now. I just need to make it to Thursday and I’ll be okay. Apparently my coping mechanism right now is watching J-dramas, and I’m finally watching Itazura na Kiss: Love in Tokyo, which of course made me think of you.
isa: I'm not a serial killer I'm just really passionate about things
March 28, 2021 at 6:01 PM
She has adorable ears and great reactions. Her voice can be on the grating side. Enjoy!
SnarkyJellyfish
March 29, 2021 at 10:57 PM
I may love Kotoko. She’s so adorable and ridiculous and I would also fall in love with her if i were Naoki. Also, I just reached the college part and the entire tennis storyline has me in stitches. I appreciate that the actress did not mind making herself look ridiculous for the part. Her faces are the best.
stpauligurl
March 26, 2021 at 6:15 PM
@snarkyjellyfish
First let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. Grief is never easy, and now being in the midst of the world as it is, might make some things harder. But you will get through this. Let yourself grieve for everything and celebrate the time that you did have him in your life.
On being laid off. The first time I was fired and felt so much shame my dad told me “no one is worth their salt if they haven’t been fired at least once in their life” and you know what, that’s true!
I’ve been fired and laid off numerous times and found that it was in most cases (about 99%) a blessing in disguise.
But first you have to get through the shock and everything else that goes along with it.
You sound like you have a good attitude – today – and something tells me that even on bad days you will still have a good attitude.
So I’m wishing you all sorts of goodness and grace and ways to help with your grief.
Grief – it comes and goes and that is okay.
Sending you lots of hugs from Oregon… ((((((Snarky))))))
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 6:27 PM
Thank you.
I strongly suspect that a lot of the shock from being laid off is tempered by the grief right now. But you know what? I’ll take it. If that is what my mind needs for now, fine. I’ll deal when I have to deal.
I was talking to my cousin, and she had the best description of being let go – “it’s yucky”. Like you know it’s not personal, and you know it’s not (always) your fault, but it still feels bad. And it’s like, no matter how rational you feel about the reasons, there is something not nice about it. It’s yucky.
Right now I’m focused on getting through the next few days (hopefully shot 2 will not hit too hard) and then reaching out to contacts and putting out feelers. I have enough savings to make it through the next few months, and I’ll probably be able to find some temporary gigs as well to help with that. My cousin has been trying to fly me out to visit her, and I’m taking this opportunity to go and clear my head. A change of scenery is always good.
stpauligurl
March 26, 2021 at 7:15 PM
yep it is yucky – for now.
I just got my second shot yesterday afternoon and to be honest I’ve kinda been down for the count all day. Thank goodness for working from home and the weekend.
take good care and it sounds like you will be okay.
A change of scenery is always good – especially in spring!!
letseatcookies
March 26, 2021 at 6:31 PM
aww…there must be a lot going through your head right now. The world seems to enjoy testing those that are kind and strong. Remember it is okay to let your emotions out. If you feel depressed, it’s okay. If your anxiety kicks it, let it. Once you completely let them all out, perhaps you will find peace within yourself to move forward. It’s not going to be easy but I think the fact that you are open about it, already shows how strong you are. Trust yourself and I hope good things will come to you soon. We have your back here.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 6:44 PM
Thank you. I’ve learned that being open is the best way to heal, even if it scares me and is hard. I can’t control my anxiety and depression, but I can control how much they control me. I have had times where my depression and anxiety have caused me to sabotage myself and lose opportunities, and I’m trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
letseatcookies
March 26, 2021 at 6:51 PM
At least you are self aware and willing to face it. Take your time to heal and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Jellybn
March 26, 2021 at 7:52 PM
My condolences Snarky. You are going through a real hard time, but your attitude is strengthening many around you, even here in DB with your words. You are stronger than you think are real cliched words, but I do hope you get the strength within you to keep going and not let anxiety take hold of you. You got this! I wish for you the very best in your future job endeavors!
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 11:06 PM
Thank you. I think I’m going to be needing all the strength I can get in the next few months.
blnmom
March 26, 2021 at 8:13 PM
Very sorry for your loss. When I lost my dad I didn’t cry until 6 months later (triggered by a drama). So don’t be discouraged if some days are unexpectedly worse than others — what you say is true, you’ll be okay, just hang in there. Wishing you the best for work in the future.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 11:10 PM
Thank you. I cried when we were at the hospital when he left us, I cried in the days following, I cried at the funeral, but no really big cathartic cry. I’ve cried a few times in the weeks between, when I think of him or remember something. But I don’t know when the dam will break. I’m trying not to hold my breath right now – just letting it come as it needs to. It’s just very raw right now. I made the mistake of watching a drama where the male lead was his profession, and that was rough. But also, he was nothing like the male lead – the total opposite, really. And that was weirdly comforting.
thatstp
March 26, 2021 at 8:18 PM
Loss is hard, it doesn’t go away but it becomes easier. My condolences.
I completely understand about wanting to start a new career path but being hesitant because of age. I hope it works out in your favor. Fighting!
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 11:13 PM
Thank you.
The thing is, I’m not that old (thirties) but because I have a very specific degree (law), it seems like it’ll be hard to pivot. I’m still going to try, though, because all the biggest regrets in my life are from not trying. And I refuse to let the rest of my life continue to collect “what if’s”.
pickleddragon
March 26, 2021 at 9:57 PM
My condolences, Snarky. Grieving is so very personal, and everyone has their own way of dealing with it. If I were you, I’d just go with the flow, and not force or suppress anything. It eventually works out the way it has to work out. So much seems to have happened in such a short while with you. But I’m glad you are looking at things in positive light. Wishing you all the best. And the beanies here are always a holler away, if you ever want to talk or anything at all. Take care, lots of hugs and many wishes.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 11:17 PM
Thank you. That’s what I’m trying to do – not sure how successful I am being, but I know things will work out. I strongly suspect a large part of me is just trying to process so much information and it’s just too much right now. So I’m just taking things one day at a time and tackling one problem at a time. But I love this community and it’s always been good to know that they’re here. I honestly think this space has helped me work through so many problems, and I will forever be grateful for the Beanies.
mmmmm
March 26, 2021 at 10:53 PM
Jelly.. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I ditto the above comment that WE have your back here so even when it doesn’t seem like so now, it will eventually be fine.
I got depressed and anxious sometimes too , so I kinda understand what you are going through. Perhaps not all of it, but again, being able and choosing to acknowledge this grief and negative feelings already showed so much strength within you that is so impressive. You inspired many Jelly, to be themselves and to let them be proud of who they are, all of who they are.
When I am sad, what I need is someone to laugh a little and tell me it’s okay to be like this. I’m telling you the same too. It’s ok Jelly. The situation isn’t ok, so it’s completely ok to experience all sorts of emotions.
For the first time in my life I intentionally broke a plastic mug because I was so angry and I wasn’t able to do anything in that situation. I called my friend, cried and talked so much *** about what I had gone through. My friend laughed a little and said it was good I didn’t break a glass one so I didn’t hurt myself. Easy take on life gets you a long way and I was so grateful for my friend to have heard me out.
mmmmm
March 26, 2021 at 11:12 PM
And *bows* sorry Plastic Mug. You have sacrificed yourself, perhaps without your intention to, but you saved my mental health. You’ve done well in this life, and I’ll try my best not to send your friends to you (soon.) 🥺
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 11:24 PM
Thank you. I hope whatever I say can help others. It took me over a decade of working on myself and learning to acknowledge where I was hurting to know that it’s always better to have things out in the open rather than bottled up (though I still don’t always practice what I preach).
The first thing I did was call my brother. He’s the most straightforward person I know, and I know he’ll be honest with me no matter what. He was the one who suggested I get out of town and take a real break. Which was perfect advice and something I had been needing and planning to do. Even though the circumstances suck, I’m going somewhere where I’ll be surrounded by people I can talk to and who can help me figure out my next steps.
I also talked to a friend which was good. And I’ll contact some more people in the next few days. If there’s anything the last few weeks have taught me, it’s that I’m so blessed to have a strong system of support in my life, even if they’re scattered all over the world. I know I’ll be relying on Beanies too, even if I don’t post much. This community is just so wonderful and supportive, I don’t know what I’d do without it.
mmmmm
March 27, 2021 at 12:03 AM
❤️ It’s ironic that without a major crisis in life people don’t normally know who actually formed their supportive system. This is one of the blessings in disguise.
I am forever grateful for the DB community here too. Without these kind Beanies I don’t know how else I could be happy sometimes.
Zora
March 26, 2021 at 11:08 PM
I’m so sorry for your loss, Snarky. I pray that you find courage and strength to get through this challenging time.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 26, 2021 at 11:25 PM
Thank you.
Mani-chan
March 26, 2021 at 11:40 PM
My condolences to you @snarkyjellyfish. I hope things get better for you as time passes
SnarkyJellyfish
March 27, 2021 at 10:51 AM
Thank you. I know one day this will all just be a bad chapter in my past, but that doesn’t make it easier to live through in the present. But I have been blessed with an excellent support system and I know I’ll land on my feet eventually.
neener ~ Inside the Magic Shop ~
March 26, 2021 at 11:59 PM
*virtual hug* a big one!
Eazal
March 27, 2021 at 12:30 AM
I’m so sorry for your loss. From experience I can tell you that that hole will aways be with you, and as time goes by you’ll just learn to live with it. Sometimes you’ll look at it with curiosity, others with a smile, and other with sadness. Grieving takes time, and every single person has their own. Don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s too long or it’s too short. It’s just the time you need.
I’m also so sorry about your job, and yes, it’s such a terrible timing. Life has this funny ways, I guess. The year my mum left us was the year that everything happened. It was so overwhelming that I felt I would collapse (and I collapsed some months later and had to take a health leave). I too agree that things happen for a reason and you will find yours. Just keep on breathing and be compassionate to yourself, because you’re the most important person in the whole universe.
And I’m really glad you have your second shot on the vaccine. You can’t imagine how glad I am. Every time I hear someone I know and care for gets it, I’m glad (and yes, I know and care about you beanies). Give it time to heal. We are here to listen.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 27, 2021 at 10:58 AM
Thank you. The weird thing is, I don’t even know if this is the worst or hardest time of my life – it probably is, but being in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as I thought. But again, I only just got here, I don’t know what the next few months look like. I’m trying to just deal with things as they come, which means that today I’ve mostly been lying in bed recovering from shot 2. I’ll think about work on Monday – I still need to go to my offices and pick up things I left behind, and return my laptop and drop off paperwork. It feels so awkward. But like I said, that’s a problem for another day.
Eazal
March 27, 2021 at 11:45 AM
Take one step after another.
I know it sounds cliche but time helps.
And whenever you feel it’s too much, we’ll be here.
Good thing about beanies is we are all over the globe and there’s a always someone on watch.
*hugs*
Fly Colours
March 27, 2021 at 12:56 AM
I’m sorry for your loss. Right now you’re dealing with a lot, but you’ve got this. Take it one day at a time (*hug)
Ally
March 27, 2021 at 7:40 AM
Hugs and much love from me!!! I’m sorry for your losses. It all happens for the best. My brother in law, a manager, was laid off this pandemic as well, but there’s a job opening for him in our city, so even though his family struggled to make ends meet, they may be moving closer to us! Things happen for a reason, but even if you don’t believe that, they happen and most times for the better.
SnarkyJellyfish
March 27, 2021 at 11:05 AM
Thank you. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. I knew I was starting to think about leaving my job, but I wanted to have a plan first. I don’t love the circumstances, but I will try to make the best of everything. I have luckily got savings to survive a few months, though I will be have to be extra vigilant budgeting until I can get some kind of revenue stream to supplement until a full time position comes along. And I know my family can help a bit if I really need it.
But the hardest part is really deciding what to do next – continue in this field or really make an effort to find something I love? It feels reckless and selfish but maybe this is the kick in the pants I needed to really try something different. So that’s probably going to be my biggest struggle in the weeks to come.
Ally
March 27, 2021 at 2:20 PM
We’re here for you if things crazy and need to vent!
sirena
March 27, 2021 at 8:13 AM
I am sorry to hear of your loss and that you were laid off. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be but I know that it will get better.
Maq
March 27, 2021 at 9:06 AM
I’m so sorry for your loss, Snarky. Your love for you dad was palpable through your posts on this site. I will pray for him and for your family. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.
Maq
March 27, 2021 at 9:09 AM
I’m also very sorry to hear about your job. For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think now is too late to start a new career. Age is less often a factor than you might think! That said, now might not be the best time for you. Nothing wrong at all with taking time to replenish your mental and physical reserves after this difficult month.
I just hope that you are well mentally and that this doesn’t worsen your anxiety or your depression. Please take care of yourself!
SnarkyJellyfish
March 27, 2021 at 11:09 AM
Thank you. So far I’ve been holding on all right – with loss comes a lot of support, and that has been helping me a lot. I’ll go visit some family for a week or so also, and I think that’ll help keep me grounded and out of the negative headspace. I’m going to explore all my options work-wise, because I think a part of me will never forgive myself if I don’t at least try. But it’s quite scary, either way, so we’ll see what happens.
Lucy🦋 | Hyun Bins First Love
March 27, 2021 at 10:34 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know when you will see this message, but whenever you do see this, I just want to tell you that you are doing great so far!
No words or condolences will ever make your grief go away, so I won’t tell you that one day everything will be ok. And no one can ever understand the feeling of loss unless one went through it all or going through it. As someone who lost my father 3 and half years ago, I just want to tell you one thing. Time is never going to heal it. Those are just empty quotes thrown around. But what I have learned in all these years grieving is that, its going to be the shadow following us around till end of our time. Some days it will so overwhelming, we think we can never see an end to it. And then someday it will be there, in the background, hurting but still from far away and making us to breath and live the moment. Its a never ending cycle. All we can do is, whichever those day coming knocking, just embrace it, feel it and look forward to the next. And eventually you learn to live with it and embrace it as a part of life. There is no other way. When everything is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.
And I am so proud of your positive mindset. Even when life is anchoring you down, you are fighting and hoping for the best. Please dont lose your +ve mindset. Better days than these shall come. Have faith! *hugs*
SnarkyJellyfish
March 27, 2021 at 11:20 AM
Thank you. I know that even though I have rationalized my way through a lot of the last month, that pain really is always going to be there. I’ve said so many things – he lived the life he wanted, he wasn’t suffering for long, I got to hold his hand one last time, etc. – but those are all words. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with his death, but I do know that I’ll be okay. You’re right, this hole will never heal, but as long as I don’t let it take over me, I can keep going. The pain will be there, but I can live with that, because pain is a part of life.
korfan
March 27, 2021 at 4:39 PM
Please accept my condolences. I’m so sorry for your loss.
azzo
March 27, 2021 at 9:56 PM
I’m so sorry for your loss, Snarky. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and let yourself grieve properly. Love and prayers from me!
wapz
April 15, 2021 at 12:10 PM
Hey Snarky! I was reminded of you today. I hope you’re doing much better now after the break!
SnarkyJellyfish
April 15, 2021 at 9:04 PM
I am, actually! Thank you for thinking of me.
I just got home on Monday after two weeks away, and then Ramadan started, so I’ve been doing all right. I really needed the break, and I feel okay about the whole job situation for now. Just trying to remain proactive and not dwell too much on the things I can’t control. It’s not easy, but I’m not overwhelmed either. One day at a time, and all that.
wapz
April 16, 2021 at 11:40 AM
One day at a time is the way to go. Also Ramadan is also a way to keep yourself busy. Glad to hear that you’re doing fine.