14 Feb, 2022

3 Years ago, I was diagnosed with a strange mental condition called Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood, and my life crumbled. Depression was an alien thing where I lived, and was regarded as the “inability to cope with their own mind” kind of flaw. Nobody really knew what it was, my parents included.

Just a couple of days before I saw my first (and my only) psychiatrist, I developed sudden claustrophobia. I was in a meeting at my office, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and was fainting. My automatic thought was to call my close friend who was a doctor. She was very worried and told me to go to her. However, I went home. I couldn’t really sleep, and I sweat a lot. Everyday suddenly felt like a never-ending night, and we came to the conclusion that we needed professional help. That was when I was allowed get professional help.

My psychiatrist was a very kind woman. She looked like she was about 15 years older than me, and I felt calmer talking to her. She told me and my mother I was shocked, and told me to take some medication and came back to meet her again in a week. It felt like the world crumbled twice – I, now, was a mental illness patient, and my life would never be the same. I felt like a human flaw, a flawed human being, an incompetent child, and ultimately, a child that let their parents and herself down. I felt like a robot, unable to feel happy – a broken toy of some sort. A person unworthy of love, and ofc incapable of loving. All love evaporated from me. Even when I was prescribed an antidepressant, though the dosage was very small, according to my psychiatrist, I could not cope with the fact that I was depressed.

To cut the long story short, I got better bits by bits. With the professional, medical, mental help and support from people around me (though many of them didn’t know about my condition), irl and on DB, I became better ..and better.. and finally felt more alive again. I had more fun with people and felt like the same ol’ me was back bits by bits. However, nobody, even my psychiatrist dared said I had depression. I associated depression with .. bad things I saw on the media. I suffered not only from the condition itself, but more so from me being unable to accept the fact that I had it. Everyone around me was walking on eggshells, never mentioned anything about it.. I could not accept myself.

While I suffered, I did everything that could help me. I quitted being a lawyer to become something I really liked doing -teaching English. I got my first teaching job at a private institute for IELTS preparation after a 4-month job search and more than 30 copies of resume handed to teaching institutions, and a month or two after that I got my first lecturer position at a university albeit it being a part-time job. I became more and more happy. I regained some of my self-esteem back. Because of my condition, I became much better at cutting toxic things out of my life -be it people, societal values, Kdramas with no prospect of getting better (lol), etc. I could finally see whom I should spend time with, and how I should tend and care for my relationships with them. I cut back on my SNS, and spent time on DB more -the place which I felt like a safe haven and I gained much mental support without revealing who I was, what I was going through. Though we, most of the time, talked about dramas, I gained much wisdom and perspectives from all the comments from Beanies and lurkers all over the world. I began to feel like the world was a much bigger place, and even with this tiny flaw in me, I was still lovable and had the ability to receive and give love. Beans were very kind, and sometimes I did get a lot of support when asked for from them (thanks again to Wishfultoki, Mugy, Jo, Eazal, Lakes, Ms Spazmo, Haraboji, and so many other Beans who have provided me with much support and insight intentionally and unintentionally). I was invited to join the Love, Feb event by Mugy, and I am eternally grateful for it.

After that, I was much more active on Discord. We talked a lot about things. Sometimes, I did agree with them, sometimes I didn’t. But nobody took it as a big deal. There is this sub-channal called The Void, the channel which anyone could post anything on their mind and nobody should reply to it. I learnt to accept all my feelings without labelling them right or wrong. I became more able and able to accept who I was, and by being able to do so I began to love myself again. Being able to love myself despite anything was so empowering. (I have to thank many Beans also who are more open about their mental struggles. Because of their bravery, I learnt to be braver, too, and I can’t thank them any less for it). At present, I still see my psychiatrist every few months. She is a good listener, and she always gives me fresh perspectives which, many times, are different from my own but also insightful.

The first part of my life, I always thought being independent meant not depending on anyone, and that that was considered strength. However, my experiences (and some comments here, though those comments were directed at certain show) taught me that as a human, we have strengths and weaknesses and we rely on other people who are better than us on each specific front. I don’t feel lonely anymore. All my recent accomplishments, I felt like they could have been accomplished because I had so many people with me -cheering me on, being there with me in every step I took. I attribute those accomplishments to me and to every one of them. I am a more grateful human being, and I feel like I am always surrounded with love. Moreover, people here taught me it is ok to love myself regardless of everything. I had no idea how to do that before, but I gradually learnt how to do it – to love and be kind(er) to myself, the concept I never understood how to do it in real life.

This is the longest Love, Feb post from me. I feel like I haven’t really contributed as much as I had wanted to in this year’s Love, Feb tradition due to many responsibilities. I have always wanted to reveal the most vulnerable part of me here for so long, and I’m glad I decided to do so now.

Happy Valentine’s to you all, Beanies, with a forever grateful heart,
5M