I’ve caught feelings. That seems like an odd statement to make since everyone has feelings, but I’m an odd case. Due to my upbringing I wasn’t allowed to have feelings. I learned to appear fine-unbothered by the things said about me, to me, and around me. If I felt anything negative I would suppress it. I used to describe myself as a volcano because I would suppress my feelings so much that something small would happen and I would erupt. The eruption would be brief, 5-10 minutes, and then it would subside until the next eruption in a couple of years. My Mom even said one time when she picked me up from the airport that I was very good at appearing happy. She had just realized that I wasn’t happy and I was in my mid-20’s at the time.
As I’ve gotten older, the negativity that consumed my young years is slowly dissipating. I’m learning how to cope and deal with my past and my issues. As a result, I’ve become more emotional. It’s like all of those years that I willed myself not feel anything has come back to me in full force. I get teary at the smallest thing. When I get really, really angry, I cry. I feel whatever emotion I have coursing through my body like a little energy ball.
I’m learning to like feelings. I’m learning to recognize my feelings and to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. When I’m upset, be upset. When I feel like crying, to just cry. To just be happy without preparing for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I’m teaching myself that it’s okay to be emotional. I feel like if I’m okay with being emotional it means I am healing.
I’m at work and feeling super stressed and angry so this just came out. Ironically enough, writing this made me want to cry, but I don’t like crying at work so I’m stopping myself from crying LOL.
It’s a totally new thing for me. I never used to do it and then a few years I got so angry that the tears just started coming out. Every time I call my mother I have to preface it by saying I’m angry. It’s so weird!
I understand this so much accept that I was never particularly good at not feeling the feelings completely. I was a self mutilator. And when I gave myself permission after years of therapy to feel the things emotions felt so freaking weird. They still feel weird. Im real bad at happy or contentment. Im not sure I recognize those moments when Im in them. Not all the time,anyway. But I get you, man! It goes back to why I like stories. Emotions are so easy and obtainable in stories.
I’m sorry that you’re super stressed and angry at work though. I feel that one, much too often.
Happy and content, especially content still elude me. I try to be one of those happy people, but I’m just not wired that way. I’m actually worried that I will be one of those people who will never be content in her circumstances so I’m working on that.
When I was young, I thought the only thing I was good at was being happy. So I tried to only be happy, and didn’t let my other emotions show (negative emotions are ugly and dirty and you let people WIN when they see them).
I struggle so much with this, and I still have friends (or people I considered friends) tell me they can’t handle me when I finally feel safe to show them the parts of me that aren’t okay.
Thank you for sharing, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to not be okay. You are always welcome to share those emotions here, at least.
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Shek
February 12, 2019 at 10:36 AM
I’ve caught feelings. That seems like an odd statement to make since everyone has feelings, but I’m an odd case. Due to my upbringing I wasn’t allowed to have feelings. I learned to appear fine-unbothered by the things said about me, to me, and around me. If I felt anything negative I would suppress it. I used to describe myself as a volcano because I would suppress my feelings so much that something small would happen and I would erupt. The eruption would be brief, 5-10 minutes, and then it would subside until the next eruption in a couple of years. My Mom even said one time when she picked me up from the airport that I was very good at appearing happy. She had just realized that I wasn’t happy and I was in my mid-20’s at the time.
As I’ve gotten older, the negativity that consumed my young years is slowly dissipating. I’m learning how to cope and deal with my past and my issues. As a result, I’ve become more emotional. It’s like all of those years that I willed myself not feel anything has come back to me in full force. I get teary at the smallest thing. When I get really, really angry, I cry. I feel whatever emotion I have coursing through my body like a little energy ball.
I’m learning to like feelings. I’m learning to recognize my feelings and to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. When I’m upset, be upset. When I feel like crying, to just cry. To just be happy without preparing for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I’m teaching myself that it’s okay to be emotional. I feel like if I’m okay with being emotional it means I am healing.
Love,
February
Shek
February 12, 2019 at 10:38 AM
@kimbapnoona @justme @greenfields @leetennant @sicarius @egads @wishfultoki @raonah @ally-le @moana @anothernicole @khalessymd @hotcocoagirl @katakwasabi @oppafangirl @bammsie @natzillagorilla @mindy @acacia @sweetiepie54 @yuyuu @waterhyacinth @isthatacorner @fatcat007
I’m at work and feeling super stressed and angry so this just came out. Ironically enough, writing this made me want to cry, but I don’t like crying at work so I’m stopping myself from crying LOL.
oppafangirl
February 12, 2019 at 11:04 AM
Hugs Shek, I also start crying when I am angry. The more angry I am, the more tears start falling from my eyes. I don’t even understand why.
Shek
February 12, 2019 at 11:35 AM
It’s a totally new thing for me. I never used to do it and then a few years I got so angry that the tears just started coming out. Every time I call my mother I have to preface it by saying I’m angry. It’s so weird!
isa: I'm not a serial killer I'm just really passionate about things
February 12, 2019 at 3:10 PM
I understand this so much accept that I was never particularly good at not feeling the feelings completely. I was a self mutilator. And when I gave myself permission after years of therapy to feel the things emotions felt so freaking weird. They still feel weird. Im real bad at happy or contentment. Im not sure I recognize those moments when Im in them. Not all the time,anyway. But I get you, man! It goes back to why I like stories. Emotions are so easy and obtainable in stories.
I’m sorry that you’re super stressed and angry at work though. I feel that one, much too often.
Shek
February 12, 2019 at 4:21 PM
Happy and content, especially content still elude me. I try to be one of those happy people, but I’m just not wired that way. I’m actually worried that I will be one of those people who will never be content in her circumstances so I’m working on that.
Emotions are super weird!
another woodalchi nicole recruit
February 12, 2019 at 9:04 PM
Hugs to you. <3 <3 <3
mugyuljoie is preciousss
February 12, 2019 at 9:41 PM
I love this post. Thank you for sharing it.
Waadmay
February 13, 2019 at 6:50 AM
*Hugs and some more Hugs*
We’re all a work in progress as human beings *Hugs again*
Cocoa, The Fake Poet of February
February 14, 2019 at 6:21 PM
When I was young, I thought the only thing I was good at was being happy. So I tried to only be happy, and didn’t let my other emotions show (negative emotions are ugly and dirty and you let people WIN when they see them).
I struggle so much with this, and I still have friends (or people I considered friends) tell me they can’t handle me when I finally feel safe to show them the parts of me that aren’t okay.
Thank you for sharing, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to not be okay. You are always welcome to share those emotions here, at least.