Beanie level: Rooftop room dweller

Day 15

On day 13 I went into labor, and on day 14 little Tigress came into the world.

Still in the hospital, but both of us are healthy and so very happy.

I still can’t believe she was actually born on Valentine’s Day. The irony.

Love, February

34
27

Day 12

I love Agatha Christie.

I can still remember the first time I read one of her books (And Then There Were None). I stayed up until 3 am reading on an old, small chair in my childhood bedroom. I even got a nosebleed from the cold air as I sat up. I just couldn’t put that book down until I knew who the killer was.

I’ve read many of her books since then, some multiple times. I have a dvd box set of all the David Suchet Poirot series. I dressed up as Miss Marple for a comic con (only one person outside my group could figure out who I was supposed to be). I hand knit a Poirot mustache that I use if I ever need a last minute costume.

When I broke up with my first boyfriend in college, my mom told me to eat something good and watch a Poirot to feel better.

Strangely, Agatha Christie somehow has become a large part of my identity over the years. Not every one of her books is a classic, and there are definitely problematic parts to some of her plots. But her writing is comforting to me, like an old friend. It draws me in, with an effortless ease that I used to dream of writing with.

The BBC series of Marple and Poirot have been such comfort shows for me for so long, that the ads for the new Death on the Nile film have me thinking about my feelings for one of my favorite authors, about why I’m excited for a movie that I’m pretty sure won’t be very good (I’m a book purist what can I say, and I also lost my trust in Kenneth Branagh’s movie making some time ago).

Well, I’m going to stop myself before I start ranting again about movie versus book adaptations.

Love, February

15
3

    Love the Poirot series! David Suchet was always fantastic in the series!

    2
    0

    Poirot <3

    1
    0

    Have you read any of the new Poirot books? I forget who writes them but they’re “official”….I got one for Christmas and it isn’t terrible or anything, but I just can’t get into it in the same way I ate up actual Agatha Christie books.

    0
    0

Day 10

I know I’ve been rather awful about actually writing during this Love, February. But honestly I’ve just been so tired.

Between my pride in not falling behind at work just because “I’m the pregnant one” to my fear that I’ve become bad at contacting people during this insular pandemic life, I feel drained constantly.

I love my job, I can honestly say that these days. Are some days unnecessarily more rough than others? Is management run by idiots? Yes to both and many similar questions. But I enjoy the work itself, the long term relationships I get to make with people on their cancer journey, the fact that I get the privilege of caring for them and hopefully helping along the way.

And I love my friends. Many of my closest friends are intentionally child free, so I admit I was nervous they thought I was buying into the 2.5 kids and white picket fence ideal of life when I got married and pregnant so quickly. But their absolute joy since the beginning at getting to be honorary aunts to my child, their care love for me and unborn baby tigress has been nothing short of beautiful. I’ll be one of the first to admit that I prefer to be a caretaker than taken care of, so this season of nausea and fatigue has taught me how thoughtful my friends and family can be, when I give them the chance.

What do any of these random thoughts have to do with this song? When I saw Eric Nam in concert several years ago, before he sang “Love Die Young” he talked about how the song wasn’t about a romantic love, but more his love for his music and performing. The song is about his fear of burnout, of losing this love that was central to his life.

I get that fear, I’ve come so close already to burn out in my work as a nurse. I love being a nurse, but I’ve seen coworkers on the other side of burnout, and how little care they have left afterwards, for themselves and their patients.

Even with this baby coming, I get worried that I’ll get so wrapped up in this little thing I love that I’ll forget to pour into the relationships that have gotten me here, that I’ll forget the other parts of myself that have worked so hard to help me learn to love me.

So, in other words, “Please don’t let this love die young.”

Love, February

19
5

    Eric!!!!!! Okay, I’m so glad you were at his concert. I would love to see him while he’s touring right now, but I’m not ready to with too many people. I love his new album though and I love this song too. Thank you for the meaning behind the song.

    And to being tired. WE. ALL. ARE. It’s ok. I having written anything meaningful either. It’s nice to see you here and that’s enough.

    2
    1

      Same, he’s going to be in my city next month, but I don’t think I’ll be ready to go to a concert just then…

      It’s nice to see you here too! Thank you.

      2
      0

    I hope your love never dies or at least that it happens when it’s really old and you’re ready to let it go.

    You have really good people around you so even if you feel like you’re losing yourself I bet they help you in the search.

    Fighting! ^^

    2
    0

    It’s okay to be tired; we’re all tired – and being pregnant makes you super super tired (especially right at the end, when you also can’t sleep because you are too pregnant 😅).

    1
    0

    It’s okay to be tired. That’s an understandable worry, but I think more often than not, new loves are like a new sprout in the garden. Even if they might take more attention and care, especially in the beginning, your friends and family and all those parts of yourself are still there ❤ And can grow and help along the way too

    1
    0

Day 8
Today the sun is shining. For the first time in a long time I went outside and sat in the glow.

There are many trees in my neighborhood, and the rustle of leaves mixed with the happy chirps of birds reveling in the soft earth.

I walked to the small church just a few blocks away, and interrupted a congregation of deer next to the parking lot. We stared at each other for a long moment, before one particularly clique-ish soul decided I wasn’t worth the time, and led the others in jumping away through the shrub. It made me laugh.

My own soul is so impatient today. It took all the sunshine and shading trees and singing birds and religious deer to stop me from longing for time to speed up, to get me to enjoy the moment that is today.

Let’s hope it lasts.

Love, February

23
5

Day 7

Ate tteokbokki and extolled the virtue of multiple Healer watches with a friend. (It really is one of the superior kdramas)

Love, February

21
3

I’ve been thinking a lot about comfort shows ~ the stories I keep coming back to again and again. Sometimes it’s a book, like a Jane Austen, a much loved mystery, or a fairytale.

Sometimes it’s music, songs that send me to a time or place I was at peace. There’s an album that transports me to springtime, walking down a sidewalk in a neighborhood I used to live, as the first flowers bud and the trees sprout fresh, green leaves.

There are kpop albums that have me back in my car, years ago, with the windows down, the moment as bright as the sun shining outside.

Even further back, there are the songs I listen to for the people who listened to them. When I listen to the Carpenters I can hear my mom’s soft soprano even more clearly than the lead singer. Old hymns too, remind me of her singing my sister and I to sleep. When I hear Antonio Carlos Jobim, Earth, Wind & Fire, Santana, (and many others), I can hear my dad plucking on his guitar, reminiscing about what bands had actual good concerts back in the 1970s. (Before meeting my mom he spent all excess cash on music and concert tickets).

I listen to Eisley or Tilly & the Wall to hear my sisters singing along with me. Of Montreal lets me see my brother’s exaggerated lip syncing as he drives. There are Disney songs, Danny Kaye musicals, and random songs of the Marx Brothers that my family can quote line by line. There’s probably even more that I’m forgetting…

To all the music, and all the memories,

Love, February

20
6

Day 4
I fell asleep on the couch after work.
Sometimes, sleep = love
Love, February

23
8

Day 3
It’s rather gray today, but I have my cats beside me. Obnoxious, needy, cuddly, stand off-ish. They keep my heart warm.
Love, February

29
9

Day 2, Love February

7
16

Day 1, 2022

It seems fitting for February to start with a celebration.

Happy New Year!

This past year frustration and joy have, at least for me, been mixed into the most unexpected cocktail of living.

I\’m excited and nervous and all around terrified for this year.

But I\’m making pho for dinner tonight (I simmered the broth all day Sunday), Pie Guy and I will eat oranges, and pray for the coming weeks.

I suppose I\’ve not told the news here, but we are expecting a chocopie to be born sometime in the next few weeks. Our little tigress is already as fierce as they come (at kicking me in the ribs).

Here\’s to the New Year!

Love, February

40
48

Love, February 2022 ~

14
22

February 14th, 2021

Love is us cooking dinner together
Him eating my tofu and me reintroducing fish to my diet to share his seafood pasta

Love is him making playlists specifically for our kitchen time

Love is what made him get down on one knee when my favorite song played

(My response: What?! Now?!)

Love is me crying and promising to always be next to him

Love, February

39
51

February 13th, 2021 Late Post

Add your favorite pick up lines below!

12
20

February 12th

Love is him making a nest in the backseat of his car for me to sleep when we have to drive anywhere after I’ve worked too many night shifts.

Love,
February

24
0

Love, February 11th, 2021

There are so many little moments that I often take for granted, that I forget to acknowledge as love.

My best friend texting me to check in.

Arriving home to a Valentines’ package of chocolate and face masks from my mom.

My sister texting to arrange a video chat with her and her kids.

A random little boy stopping on his bike to thrust a large magnolia leaf towards me, stating “have a leaf” before cycling into the distance.

Just sitting here, with my cat, eating my dinner.

There is a lot of love in the world.

Love, February

29
1

Love, February 10th, 2021 Round Up ~

13
5

Love, February 9th, 2021 Round Up ~

12
9

Love, February 8th Round Up ~

10
6

Love, February 7th, 2021 Round Up ~ Halfway through Beanies!

8
6

Love, February 6th, 2021

4
4

    I didn’t sleep much, and that makes me grumpy.

    I went into work unhappy and tearful, that full feeling where anything can push me over the edge.

    I felt dramatic and curmudgeonly.

    At one point later in the evening, a float person attempted to make conversation with me. I answered her questions, then apologized for not being very nice tonight.

    Her: “What? You’re being very nice!”

    It’s strange how we can feel so off inside, yet so conditioned that I need to be overboard helpful to my colleagues as well as doing my own work, that the resulting still normal behavior seems rude.

    I’m not sure if that makes sense.

    Not sure where the love is, but here is my,
    Love,
    February

    11
    1