Beanie level: Rooftop room dweller

Love, February Day 8

I went out for coffee with my mom this morning. I see her fairly often, but I always prefer short visits like this. It’s harder to argue when you only have 30 minutes.

We don’t always see eye-to-eye and there have been a lot of misunderstandings between us, due in part to miscommunication. But we’re working on it. I’ve learned that sometimes the things I say offhand or casually can be interpreted differently by her.

My mother loves socializing and being around people. She’s outspoken and has gotten the reputation as the cool auntie who makes risqué jokes and tells the best stories about her travels. She’s an open book with her emotions and tends to act on them. I’m a true introvert and not an outwardly affectionate person. I live in my head a lot and prefer to listen to other people’s stories. I tend to sort through my emotions before acting on them.

But we also have a lot in common – we studied the same subjects, we both love books and art and theater, and we both have a good eye for decorating, even if our styles are polar opposites. I know my love of travel and storytelling come from her. I will always be grateful for these gifts.

Sometimes I don’t know how to balance the differences with the similarities. We see the world through such different lenses and there’s so much about her I still don’t know or understand. But at the same time, there’s so much about me she doesn’t know or understand either.

At the end of the day, she is my mother and I love her, even if I don’t say it in so many words.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Mother by Said the Whale

I try to always be a gentleman
I try to always be a better friend
Lately I’ve been feeling half a man
Like maybe I should be more who I am
Maybe I should fuck something up good
Or maybe I should act like someone bad

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Love, February Day 7

Sometimes all you need is a bit of sunshine and a good playlist.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Waterloo by ABBA

Because who doesn’t love ABBA?

But also, everything about this video is fantastic.

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Love, February Day 6

I really hate exercising.

But what makes me even more annoyed that having some kind of regular exercise genuinely helps my mental health in so many ways.

I usually have to drag myself to class (I mostly do hot yoga and boxing) because I am never going to be motivated to do it on my own. And every single time I get out of class feeling more energized and clearer headed.

But more than that, each class reminds me how strong my body can be. I may not be the strongest or fastest in boxing, but I’m still miles ahead of where I was a year ago when I picked it up again. And I still have issues with balance, but at least I can balance, which I could barely do a year ago. And I love that.

It’s not a cure by any means, but it helps clear a lot of the fog that can be brought on by anxiety and depression for a bit. It’s a brief respite from the chaos in my head. And that helps me remember that it is worth taking care of myself, because I am worth it.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, sometimes you have to embrace the things you don’t love in order to find parts of yourself you do love. Funny how that works.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Zoo by TAEYONG, JENO, HENDERY, YANGYANG, GISELLE

I just love the energy here, and I’ve been listening to it a lot for the last few months.

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    I hate exercising too! But I do love how it makes me feel after I’m done. It’s an irony.

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      Did hot yoga today, and it was awful dragging myself there, but I feel so refreshed now. Plus I could really see my progress today, which is so annoying because that means I have to go again next week. Stupid endorphins.

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    That’s a perfect to way to put it. I should do badminton more.

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    Comment was deleted

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Love, February Day 5

Today I’m reminding myself to be compassionate with myself.

I’m exhausted. I can barely make it out of bed at 9 a.m. on a weekday to work, but somehow this weekend I’ve been up at 7:30 a.m. I already have sleep issues. Now I’m so tired I can’t think straight. I was going to go run errands and get stuff done but I got in my own way.

Now it’s 6:30 p.m. and I haven’t been outside yet. I’ve been on the phone trying to sort out something and I’m ready to hurl my phone across the room. No one can help me, and I’m just so frustrated and going in circles at this point. I’m honestly very angry and want to cry right now.

I know a lot of this is because I’m exhausted right now. This month is hard for me as it is, and my anxiety always seems to spike which makes it hard to think clearly. But it’s one thing to rationally know these things – it’s another to tell my brain to be calm.

So being compassionate with myself is the best I can do. I’m letting myself be angry and frustrated but I refuse to let those emotions rule me. I’m having a cup of tea and watching the end of You’ve Got Mail on TV. I’ll go out and get some food later. Watch Crash Course in Romance. Clean up my apartment a bit; I know that the mess all over my dining table isn’t helping my anxiety. Even if the day is a total wash, it’s fine.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Sometimes that mantra is what gets me through these things—knowing there’s always a fresh start waiting for me.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Lazy by Woosung

I saw him open for Epik High last year, and the saw The Rose in October. I love that his solo work is different and has its own vibe, though I’ve loved The Rose since their debut and want nothing but success for them now.

Today again is a fancy fancy day
Everyday is so chaotic
Why don’t I have a day off?

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    Thank you for introducing me to my new theme song.
    Compassion and self-care are so important! Even if it’s letting the day end and embracing tomorrow.

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      I’ve really learned to accept when I’m feeling a big “negative” emotion and let myself ride it out instead of trying to make it better. Not wallow in it, but recognizing that I can’t always control how I feel, but I can control how I deal with it.

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    Love this song.

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    Your mantra is similar to my sister’s: “Tomorrow is another day”.
    She has this way of always rebounding from difficult situations and when I asked her how, she said that she only dwells in that feeling that day and then moves on from it. As someone that suffers from anxiety as well, I constantly dwell on her mantra. My mind gets it, but my body doesn’t, all my anxiety goes straight to my health and I feel it. But, as you said, Tomorrow will be a new day! I hope that you get to have a better week and you are compassionate with yourself:)

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      Oh, my body definitely feels it too. I was nauseous this afternoon and almost skipped dinner because of lack of appetite and because I ended up feeling too anxious to go out. But instead of beating myself up over it, I managed to scrounge up something and am reminding myself that I can always start again tomorrow.

      To deal with physical symptoms of anxiety I definitely have to look more to habit and routine – regular excercise and regular balanced meals. I know another part of why I feel so terrible these days is because my eating habits have become trash. Skipping meals, too many sweets, etc. Working on it, but it’s definitely a slow process. Which is why when I feel big emotions I let them through so they don’t add on to the anxiety, which is already hard to deal with.

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        Oh, I feel you! I have a really bad gut, so eating is not my favorite thing to do, but I make myself eat something even when I am down, I know that it will be better if I do. It’s hard, eating is such a big part of your day and I almost never look forward to it; I started watching dramas during meals so that I could enjoy my time a little bit better. I really need to incorporate exercise to my routine, but it gets dark early and all I want to do at the end of the day is to not be tired. Anxiety is hard, but I’m also working on it and trying to see what works best for me to get over it easily. Letting the big emotions ride out the way they want to, also helps me get over them quicker. And yes, it is a slow process! My everything wants for it to go faster, but it’s hard. I wish you all the best in your own journey:) Fighting!

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    “So being compassionate with myself is the best I can do. I’m letting myself be angry and frustrated but I refuse to let those emotions rule me.” ♥♥♥

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    💚💚💚

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Love, February Day 4

Every few months I get this itch – a need to create a playlist that fits a really specific theme or idea in my head. It may be something as simple as doing a deep dive into one group’s discography, or as complicated as trying to pick songs that capture a particular feeling or moment in time for me. I haven’t done an end of summer playlist in a few years, but when I go back and listen to my old ones, I’m immediately transported back to that moment in time.

Summer ’09 is a particularly special one for me, a mix of Bollywood and Michael Jackson, with a lot of contemporary pop and rock mixed in for good measure. It transports me back to my summer abroad, riding the train between London and Brighton, red eye flights booked 24 hours prior, taking the tube to my aunt’s home. Or there’s the Summer ’06 mix, which takes me to the summer after high school, Dresden Dolls and Snow Patrol and whatever pop and alternative was playing on the radio those days. I remember driving around with the music turned up, feeling so strange, no longer in grade school but not really a university student yet, somewhere between childhood and adulthood. The world was getting bigger, and the future was unknown, but at least I had my songs.

I miss the days of burning CDs, trying to fit as many tracks on that disc as I could. Finding bootlegged live performances, and demos and alternative versions of songs I loved. There was something so intimate about making a mix – it was a calming ritual. I probably made a new one every two weeks in high school. I have dozens of them at home, just sitting in a binder in the closet. I can’t get rid of them, they were such a part of who I was and who I am.

Don’t get me wrong – I love that I can stream the latest Epik High album as soon as it’s released, and doing deep dives on artists is much easier with their whole discography available in a few clicks. It’s also easier to discover new artists, and rediscover old loves. But there was something about making a mix CD that made you really stop and listen to the music. You had to be particular, choose with care, make sure that each track flowed nicely into the next, especially if you were making it for someone else. It was such an intimate act of sharing – this is what I love, I hope you love it too.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Flowers by Miley Cyrus

Never got into Miley, but this song is a bop. And if the rumors that it’s about her ex are true, so much better. As Beyoncé reminds us all: “best revenge is your paper.”

We were good, we were gold
Kinda dream that can’t be sold
We were right ’til we weren’t
Built a home and watched it burn

Mm, I didn’t wanna leave you
I didn’t wanna lie
Started to cry but then remembered I

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don’t understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

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Love, February Day 3

You know what I love? That delicious feeling of a Friday night.

Growing up, we’d usually stop at Blockbuster and pick up some movies (that three for $5 weekend deal was the best). Then we’d pick up pizza or go out, since my mom never wanted to cook on Friday and all the leftovers were gone. I remember loving that feeling – the start of the weekend. No homework or school the next day.

In university, Friday nights were for Battlestar Galactica. I remember all of us squished in on the couch, watching on a laptop. Some of us in our pajamas, others half dressed for a night out.

In law school, Friday night was about finally having one night to take a break from the work and studying. I used to curl up with a drama or sci-fi show and just turn my brain off for a few hours, leaving my books in my bag and pretending they didn’t exist.

When I started working, it was for finally knowing that I would have two full days to do whatever I wanted. During my first job, that mostly meant resting my feet, and relaxing after five days of endless, thankless work.

Tonight, it’s for having a giant plate of pasta and then curling up with a book. Maybe doing my nails or making brownies. The possibilities are endless, but the choices are easy. It’s my night to do whatever I want, free of obligations.

Friday nights. There’s a new one every week, but it’s nice to have something to look forward to. It’s not always a night for remarkable things to happen, but it is a night for remembering to relax and be grateful we made it through another week.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Beautiful Night by Gaho

Wanna blend into this bright light city
(Wanna picture this night with you)
A thousand stars fall on you
(But the brightest one is you)

You and I, we’re the main characters
To walk in this light, in this festival
The whole world holds for us

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Love, February Day 2

I often think about this scene from Her Private Life.

I love art.

Art is tricky because it’s so subjective, so emotional, so personal, and yet so public. Every one of us sees art differently, and I love hearing how others perceive things I can’t in an artwork. I’ve been a docent and worked with kids in museums, and I absolutely loved hearing what they thought of the artwork, and how creatively they came up with meaning and stories about each piece.

But at the end of the day, we are all more spectacular than any piece of art in a museum or gallery. Each of us is special and unique and alive in a way that art never can be. It’s what makes us so special. We often talk about self-love here during Love, February, and this idea, that because we are a living being, we are great, is truly the epitome of that.

So, I guess today I want to remind you that You are great simply because you’re here. Your life means something.

Love,
February

Song of the Day:Get Myself by FYKE feat. Amber Liu

I’ve been listening to this a lot lately, and it really just reminds me to love who I am and not apologize for being myself.

If I showed you things that I couldn’t
Would you leave? (don’t leave)
Would you love me the same ’cause I wouldn’t

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    “Each of us is special and unique and alive in a way that art never can be. It’s what makes us so special. ”
    Thank you for these beautiful words ♥

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    Thank you for reminding me of this scene! “this idea, that because we are a living being, we are great, is truly the epitome of that.” I truly could not have said that better! Thank you ^_^

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Love, February Day 1

Well.

Here we are again.

I f***ing hate this month.

I’ve said it every year, I’ll say it again.

I hate this stupid short month with its stupid cold days and its stupid cupids.

But I kind of love Love, February.

So.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s begin in earnest.

A few days ago, I went back through my wall, looking for something and it led me my first year of Love, February posts. My goodness, I left a lot of myself on this wall back then. The following years have been less personal, more reflective. Music is the throughline, as always. Surprise surprise.

The first year was about expelling the ghosts of my past, gaining the lightness and freedom I needed to move forward. It was healing.

The second year was an escape. I was tired, burned out but in denial. Writing these posts was a little respite from the awfulness that is February.

The third year was my uninspired year. After eleven months of distance and solitude, it was hard to find inspiration in anything, let alone love. In retrospect, it felt like a prelude to the days to come. Sometimes I wonder if I knew. That February ended…badly.

Last year was about mourning and grief. It was about learning to say goodbye. Learning that February is not ever going to be any easier.

So, that brings us to this year. Year five. I don’t know what this year will bring. But it seems like after five years, something significant should emerge. But then again, why do we feel like five is such a significant benchmark? Half a decade? I don’t know. It feels so arbitrary, but also, it feels like a shift is imminent. This last year, I’ve felt restless, both unlike myself and more like myself than ever before. I’ve been questioning a lot, but I have no answers.

And, with that, I suppose, we are off. I don’t know if I have the words in me this year, but I’ll try.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: On My Way by Epik High feat. Jackson Wang

In honor of their new album, Strawberry, out today.
My absolute faves, can’t wait to see them again in March.

The door I was knocking on turned out to be a wall
Here’s me waving goodbye with a bloody fist
Singing I’ll be on my way
OK, they say, “Be the change u wanna see in the world”
But it’s only I that have changed and the world stands unmoved

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    stupid cupid 😉

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    I love your reflection. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years, but here we are…

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      Crazy, right?! But yeah. I still remember writing some of my first posts for Love, February a few years ago, never knowing how much they would change me. They really helped me find my voice again after years of feeling like it had disappeared into a deep dark cave.

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    💜 glad to see you again Snarky. It’s crazy it’s been years of this… but, no pressure, but I do really love your music recommendations each year.

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      Coco!

      As always, thank you for sharing this beautiful tradition. Honestly, this makes the month go by a lot faster. I think I’m just in a funk today. Five years – so crazy. Everyone around here has gone through so many life changes. I hope you’re doing well! How is your little tigress?

      I can honestly say this has become one of my favorite traditions over the last few years. It’s a moment each day to slow down and reflect. It helps me clear a lot of the clutter from my chaotic brain, which can be really cathartic when life is overwhelming.

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        I get being in a funk… Honestly nearly forgot about it this year! I really don’t sleep anymore and it’s starting to show… She’s trying to start walking! Which is exciting and sad because she’s getting to be such a big kid…

        Thank you so much for participating each year, I forgot how special the community coming together here was!

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    Maybe a new beginning?
    New friends?
    New doors?

    Happy February 😘

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    Snarky!

    It’s nice to see you back~ and yes, no pressure but looking forward to the music you’ll recommend this year~

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Bonus Post

All the songs I’ve shared over the last two weeks, plus a number of others, can be found on this playlist. I made it last summer, and spent days working on it, trying to figure out exactly what I needed from it. It’s called “BREATHE” not only because the opening track, but also because these are the songs that are like a long exhale to me. They are the ones that help pull me back into the moment, that make me stop and listen to myself. I’m sharing with you today as a reminder to just sit back and breathe, even if just for a moment.

Love,
February

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    thanks for sharing 🙂
    Music really helps <3

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    I love this, thank you!!!!

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    I liked it and part of my Spotify list now!

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    Thank you for sharing, so much of yourself this year, your sorrows, hope, and grumpiness, as well as this playlist.

    Oh, and Pie Guy really likes your taste in music as well. Tigress is noncommittal 😆

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      Thank you, again, for bringing us this wonderful project. It truly has been life changing. This year was very different from others for me, especially given my extended hiatus from this site, but it was a wonderful reminder of what great people there are here too. Writing here has helped unburden me a lot this year, and I’m grateful for that. Life is moving fast for all of us…I feel like so many of the OGs here are really getting out there and living new adventures, and I love to see it.

      Thanks to Pie Guy for liking the playlist; I like to think I have good taste in music, but I also know it can be a bit eclectic, so it’s always nice to hear that from someone else. I hope you are all doing well and staying safe and healthy and happy. I was delighted to see that the Tigress decided to make her grand entrance on Valentines day. Sending you and your family all the good vibes.

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Day Fourteen

One of my favorite feelings in the world is when a song gets under your skin. Not stuck in your head, not just something you like, but when you can’t stop thinking about it. When it feels like the song was sent to you that moment, giving you something to hold onto.

I wish I could say that I shared a love of music with my dad and that it was something that bonded us. But the truth is, he didn’t really like music or understand it that much. I think it was all noise to him, but he tolerated it for me.

Music has always been my thing. It is my touchstone. It helps me deal with the world when things are overwhelming, and it gives me something to ground myself in. It has helped me deal with the darker days of my depression, given me strength when my anxiety threatened to take over. Music has also given me confidence on the days I felt my best and added joy in the moments of celebration and given me peace in the moments of calm.

My history can be traced in the mixes and playlists I’ve made over the years. I love looking back at songs from my past, even the soundtracks to my dark and unhappy moments, because I am made up of all those times, the good and the bad.

When my dad died it was about six weeks before I really heard to music again. I remember the moment so clearly. I was staying with family out of town and a song I’d probably heard a hundred times over the last year came on, and suddenly it felt different. It cut through the weeks of noise and grief and anger in my head. I’d been fighting so many emotions, working so hard to not trigger my depression, to stay positive despite losing my job, to keep moving forward. That song gave me a moment of clarity and respite during a time that was overwhelming in so many ways.

The song was by the Japanese band Sekai No Owari, and while I didn’t understand the words but something about the music got under my skin in that moment. I had listened to that album over and over since the pandemic started, and almost all the other tracks had caught me at some point or another over the year except this one.

On that evening this song felt new to me. It felt joyful and celebratory while at the same time, there was an undercurrent of sadness or lonlieness in that joy, which was just how I felt. I think I listened to it five more times before moving on that night. Over the last year I have come back to this song over and over whenever things felt like too much.

The translation of the song’s title as far as I can tell is “The Night Everything Broke”. To me, it is about life and loss and all the uncertainty that comes simply from being alive. It’s about how we are all singularly traveling through life, but we are never alone on that journey.

I felt like the song had been sent to me at that time to remind me that things are always uncertain, but we get through them together. It was the song I needed at the time I needed it. So today I share it with you, and hope it brings you a bit of the clarity and joy it has brought me over the last year.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Subete ga Kowareta Yoru ni by Sekai no Owari]

People say they understand
That they know it’s something natural
But if they know
What they know, then they wouldn’t make a face like that

We all know everything
We know yet there’s nothing but what we don’t know
But I know one certain thing
And you taught me that

I don’t understand you
or him or even my own self,
but still we live on
We live on not knowing anything

We know the beauty
of the blue sea and vast sky
Under the square sky, we
should know the deepness of the blue of the sky

I will eventually die
I’ve known that forever
But I don’t think I can’t
do anything because of that

You go alone and you won’t stop
Including it, that too is your life
But I know what I don’t know
I came to send it to you

We are all alive
We know it’s something natural
But if we know
what we know, then we wouldn’t make a face like that, right?

Source</a

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Day Thirteen

Today I come to you with a bit of optimism.

I think the impatiens which definitely had spider mites may make it. If you were here last year you would know about how much my indoor jungle means to me and how devastated I was last year when I lost a lot of it in a super short period. Spider mites are the one pest I can never defeat. Every impatiens I’ve ever bought gets them. It’s almost funny at this point because I’ve tried so many times.

The particular impatiens was a birthday gift to myself last fall. It flowered throughout November and even a bit of December before slowing down. I noticed the mites about a month ago. It’s been living the quarantine life in my bathtub since then. Most of its big leaves are gone, and looks quite sad and sparse. But no new leaf drop in a few days and the new growth is looking healthy. It’s still not looking great and it hasn’t gotten worse in a week or so.

I’m not holding my breath, I know it can all go sideways in a day. I’ve been burned before. These losses don’t get easier but they do get more bearable over time. But I also keep trying because underneath this snarky, cynical exterior there is a hopeful girl who needs to keep going.

Maybe it’s because I know that despite all the losses there is also so much joy when I succeed, and chasing that joy is worth the heartache.

So today, I have a little hope. And right now that’s all I really need, just a little hope.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Keep Going by Standing Egg]

Keep going, just lean on me like this
Close your eyes
I wanna keep going
I won’t let go of your heart ‘til the world ends
I’ll hold you
I wanna keep going

I’m here, I only look at you;
Please take my hand
I wanna keep going,
I’ll never let your hand go, not anywhere
I’ll go together with you;
I wanna keep going

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    I lm glad your plant is doing better. And any day is better because of Standing Egg!

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      Thanks! Still early days, but feeling good about it. And Standing Egg is always a mood lifter! I love them so much.

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    Good luck to the impatiens! I cannot raise indoor plants (even outdoor is a struggle) so I have huge respect for your perseverance in dealing with the spider mites.

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Day Twelve

Maybe I just need to say it out loud:

I miss you Baba.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Haven’t Been Doing So Well by Frank Turner]

Don’t you ever wake up and suspect
That you were simply never cut out to be
The kind of person they expect
The person you intended to be?
And I keep it all in with my idiot grin
And I’m doing my best but there’s very little left
So cut me some slack if I crawl back into my shell
I haven’t been doing so well
I haven’t been doing so well

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Day Eleven

Still in a bit of a bleh mood today, but feeling a lot better after walking around and getting a load of errands done. Hopefully laptop will be fixed by Monday. I also treated myself to some fresh flowers and a small bunch of eucalyptus, so at least that can brighten up these gloomy February days. And I’m treating myself to an unhealthy but super satisfying dinner, so that’s always a good way to end a day.

Okay. Scratch all of the above. About five minutes after writing that I had a bad fall in the middle of the street, spilled milkshake all over my dinner and injured my knee. Not sure how bad it is yet – skinned badly, but I can walk and no swelling (yet). As for the dinner, the place was nice enough to replace my shake and gave me fresh fries too. I guess the silver lining to this evening is that I have a milkshake and fresh flowers (albeit somewhat crushed flowers, but still).

It took a lot of willpower to not burst into tears/hysterical laughter until I got home. Sometimes I think I’m cursed. Whenever things seem to be going okay for me something new happens to mess it all up. And I get that this has just been a bad few days, and sh*t happens, none of it is un-fixable. But compounded with the anxiety of going back to work and the looming anniversary of my dad’s death, plus some other personal stuff, it feels like a lot.

Some days I really just want to scream into the void. Or maybe throw myself into it. Screw this stupid month.

I guess I’ll try again tomorrow.

Love (not really),
February

[Song of the Day: Miss Misery by Elliott Smith]

I know you’d rather see me gone
Than to see me the way that I am
But I am in the life anyway

Next door the TV’s flashing blue frames on the wall
It’s a comedy of errors, you see
It’s about taking a fall

To vanish into oblivion
It’s easy to do
And I try to be
But you know me
I come back when you want me to

Do you miss me, Miss Misery
Like you say you do?

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Day Ten

I am in a funk today. I feel surly and grumpy and don’t want to do any of the things on my giant to-do list. I feel anxious over the idea of going outside to get things done. Also, my laptop is out of commission which means I have only my phone to get work done until it gets repaired. Anything I find joy in feels fleeting today.

It’s so frustrating how sometimes it is little stupid things that ruin my mood like this. I’d like to think I have control over it all, but these are the days when my brain reminds me I’m only human and no matter how hard I try there are going to be days my anxiety and depression get triggered. I know exactly what triggered me too, but I can’t control it.

Sometimes I just need to ride these days out and let them pass. Today is one of those days. I know I’ll be better once I start being productive an eat properly and sleep well. These are the days that remind me I can’t control everything, and that (hopefully) there will be a fresh start tomorrow.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Monster by Eminem feat. Rhianna]

I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You’re tryin’ to save me, stop holdin’ your breath
And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy

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Day Nine

I got super stressed out tonight and then my laptop died on me. I texted my brother because he is the person who can always make me see sense and help talk me down from my worst tendencies. After talking to him I feel so much better and clearer. He was the first person I called when I got laid off and he helped me figure out what to do. Of course he frustrates me and annoys me and droves me nuts too; that’s what little brothers do. But he also holds me accountable and calls me on my bullshit. I’m lucky to have him.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead]

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth

That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

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    Brothers are the best.

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    Snarky, seriously? How do we have the same music taste??? Radiohead is GOD level 🤩

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      I love Radiohead, and The Bends is one of my all time favorite albums.

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        Ah I have so many good memories with Bends! My fav though is OK Computer ☺️

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          OK Computer is just a hair behind The Bends for me. But this song is just everything to me, it got me through a really rough patch a few years ago which is why The Bends wins for me.

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    Your brother sounds like a lovely person. You’re lucky to have him.

    I know. My siblings call on my bullshit, too. XD

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Day Eight

I had a whole long mess of thoughts I was trying to write out, but in the end it boiled down to this:

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

Today I want to remind you all to recognize your worth and be kind, but don’t sacrifice yourself for others. Your happiness is worth just as much as the happiness of those around you. It’s okay to put yourself first when things are hard. It’s okay to ask for your worth. It’s okay to say no when people ask too much of you. It’s even okay to say no if you don’t want to do something. You matter, your feelings matter, your worth matters.

I guarantee you, the people who love you want you to make yourself happy before you go out of your way to make others happy.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Life for Rent by Dido]
While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well, how can I say I’m alive?

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well, I deserve nothing more than I get
‘Cause nothing I have is truly mine

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Day Seven

I love a good cover, especially a live cover. There’s nothing like an artist reinterpreting an old favorite in their own special way. I think it gives so much insight into an artist and how they approach music when we see how they approach another artist’s song.

One of my favorite live albums Nirvana’s Unplugged. There is so much I can say about Nirvana and the way they’ve been one of the musical through lines of my life. It’s devastating that they were cut short by senseless tragedy (spare me your conspiracy theories). They perform a few covers during this set, but the one I come back to over and over is their cover of David Bowie’s The Man Who Sold the World.

Though it is fairly similar to the original sonically, there is something about Kurt Cobain’s voice here that gets me every time. I can’t quite explain it. Maybe it’s because, knowing that Cobain would be gone soon after it was recorded, listening to this song always feels so haunting. But there’s also something about his voice that makes me really stop and listen to the words every time I hear this version. To me, this song evokes so much loneliness and sorrow, but there is also something else – an otherworldly feeling that I can’t explain.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: The Man Who Sold the World as performed by Nirvana, orig. By David Bowie]

I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years, I roamed
I gazed a gazely stare
At all the millions here
We must have died alone
A long long time ago

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    omg! i absolutely love this album and this song.
    I used to listen to this album in the early 90’s when I was in college. Those were rough times and music was what I leaned to all the time.

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      This album definitely got me through some rough patches in high school and university. It’s so good, I can never get enough of it.

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    God dam! I think you are the first ‘girl’ I know who has the same music taste as me….where have you been in my RL???

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      Haha, that’s awesome. I have got fairly eclectic taste in music. But then again so do a few of my friends, and it’s how I bonded with one of my roommates in university. Music is my lifeline, can’t live without it.

      I’ll be sharing a playlist in a few days too, so you’ll get a real good look at my music taste then.

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        Music is everything to me! I sing and I work in music. I have been told many times my taste is ‘boy like’ haha! Whatever that means! I must say I got the best exposure to excellent music growing up in the 90’s.

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          WTF, “boy like”? Music is universal! I was young in the 90s but all my cousins are 10-12 years older so I spent my middle and high school years mining their music collections, hence my affinity for grunge. Plus my parents aren’t into music so I explore a lot of different genres and artists on my own, and I tend to do deep dives when I find a new genre or artist I like.

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Day Six

Pearl Jam is one of my favorite bands. Ten is easily one of my top five albums and a total desert island pick for me. I saw them live almost ten years ago too, and they lived up to my expectations and then some.

But this song from Pearl Jam is a bit different than their usual fare, and I think that’s part of why I love it so much. Eddie Vedder himself said “[It’s] as close to a love song as we’ve ever gotten”, and I think that’s probably true. But who said love songs have to be about romantic love? We need more non-romantic love songs, and this is one of the best examples of that kind of song I can think of.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day: Just Breathe by Pearl Jam]

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t, I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean

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    Ah Eddie Vedder is the man! Yield is my favourite album! ‘Wishlist’ my favourite song from there!

    Ten is great too!

    Good music taste snarky! Good music taste!

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    I love Pearl Jam.

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    I was going to put this exact song as my entry the other day! I love Pearl Jam, have also seen them live and they were amazing. It’s hard to go past Ten, but I think Yield is my favourite album (Faithfull live is so good) – it was the first of their albums I owned and occupies a special place in my heart.

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Day Five

Every time I finish a book or series for the first time, I always feel like I came back from a wonderful vacation. It’s like that moment when you walk through your door and put down your bags and everything is quiet as you take it all in. The moments when you’re saying goodbye to those characters and that world they let you visit for a little while are so beautiful and bittersweet. Like a vacation, I can always visit again, look at pictures, recount stories, display souvenirs, but nothing is quite like being on that journey for the first time.

Every story is a new experience every time you read it or reread it – who you are when you read it will inevitably affect the way you see and understand the story. But there’s also the comfortable familiarity of a story that you’ve read over and over again, which is its own kind of journey. Growing up we used to travel a lot, and spend about a month or more away from home every summer. During those weeks, my books were what helped me from feeling homesick. They were the piece of home I could take with me, a place I could be comfortable and among familiar friends, no matter where I was. It’s so strange, that the one thing that made me feel at home was the one thing that took me far away from home.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day:Bring on the Wonder by Susan Enan]

I can’t see the stars anymore living here
Let’s go to the hills where the outlines are clear
Bring on the wonder, bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

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    I can relate with everything you said! Sometimes I just slow down my reading speed so that i don’t finish it early! And when I finish it, it feels like some kind of hollow in heart!

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      I’m always so torn when I get to the final chapters because I want to savor the story, but I also want to know what happens! It’s so hard sometimes. I’ve been known to not read the latest book in a series that is ongoing until I know there will be more because I can’t take it being over.

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    I really relate to this as well. I have been known to immediately read the book I just read again because I don’t want to let it go – but it’s never the same as the first time.

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      I definitely do this. I’m also a big re-reader, and I try to own all my favorites so I can skip to my favorite parts. But that first reading is still special and nothing can ever replicate it. Maybe this is the one good argument for amnesia.

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Day Four

I can’t really think of what to say today. My head hurts and I haven’t slept enough. But I’m fine, just tired. I was thinking about what to write today, and my head is empty.

Well, that’s not entirely true; there’s a lot going on in my head but nothing I want to share right now. I have a whole document of things I want say, some of which will make here, some of which will stay forever locked in those pages.

Sometimes life is like that. You are just tired and it’s okay. There are things you want to say and things you don’t. Sometimes it’s harder to do the things we could do yesterday. There’s nothing wrong with you at those times. These days remind me that I’m human, and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.

So, for today I’ll embrace this tiredness, share a song and try again tomorrow.

Love,
February

[Song of the Day:Heart of It All by Saltnpaper]

Now it’s okay
Don’t fight your day
We’re gonna be on our merry way
It’s going down
But we’ll come around again

I’m going back to the start
I’m going back to the heart of it all
I’m going back to the reasons why
It’s all for loving you

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