Beanie level: Rooftop room dweller

I was lucky enough to see G(I)-DLE earlier this week, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t include one of their songs. While I’ve been loving “Queencard,” and it’s definitely the most danceable song of the summer for me, I also love this song which shows a different aspect to their music. Minnie performed this as her solo stage at the concert and it was beautiful, and made me appreciate this song all over again. I love how dark this song feels, and the imagery it evokes.

#beanieplaylist @ally-le

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I forgot AKMU has a comeback on the horizon, so here’s my favorite track by them. I’ve written about how much I love this song on more than one occasion here, so I’ll be brief and just say that this song always reminds me of that moment after the storm ends and the skies clear, of hope and looking to the future. I can listen to this song on an endless loop and never get bored.

#beanieplaylist @ally-le

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Been on a bit of a T.Swift kick lately, and “Paper Rings” has always been a fave.

#beanieplaylist @ally-le

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TXT isn’t one of my go-to kpop groups but I’ve been really digging this track by them lately.

#beanieplaylist @ally-le

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    I loved the Temptation album!! This was such a great track too, along withTinnitus. Great pick!

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      Something about this song just grabbed me the first time I heard it, and I haven’t been able to stop listening to it all summer.

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Another song I love singing along to lately. Something about slightly depressing songs with a happy sound seems to be my jam this summer. Not gonna read into that too much.

#beanieplaylist @ally-le

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Been stressed, depressed, and a bit of a hot mess lately. But every time I listen to this song, I turn up the volume and sing along, because I can’t get enough of it. So happy the guys are doing well, and can’t wait for the new album.

#beanieplaylist @ally-le

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    🫂

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    Ahhh The Rose!!!! 🌹

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    I love this song! And yes, waiting for their new album as well!

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      Just a few more weeks! I’m sad I didn’t get to see them a few weeks ago when they played here, and they’re not coming through again on their next tour, so hopefully next year. I did see them last October and they were fantastic, as expected.

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    I’m sorry to hear that but you’re not alone. The only sane reaction to this horror of a world is to feel depressed. But, try and pat yourself on the back once in a while. I hope the fog lifts so that you can get some relief soon.

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Love, February Day 14

Hope.

It’s a weird thing, hope. It’s not quite the same as wishing for something. It’s this thing we hold onto when we need to believe in something, anything, to give us a reason to keep going.

Winter always takes one or two of my plants, and this year was no different. But this year I’ve also not been the best at taking care of them. One of my favorites, a philodendron brasil, which had grown long and beautiful had been losing leaves since December. Her naked vines hang down looking like a sad ghost of her past self. It’s been sad to look at, knowing how beautiful and full she was before.

But today I looked up, and there, at the very top, a handful of new leaves had sprung up. Just small things, bright green with lighter streaks in the center. Those small leaves gave me hope. They reminded me that where there’s life, there’s hope. That sometimes, even when you neglect something, it finds a way to keep living. It gave me hope for myself.

Sometimes we need to just give ourselves time to regrow. We need to shed the old, and let the new growth take place, even if it’s slow and feels hopeless. It’s no secret I’ve been having a rough few weeks and I was starting to lose hope in myself. I was just moving through the motions because I had no other choice. But the last few days have reminded me to hold onto hope even when it feels futile, because sometimes, that hope brings new life. So, I’ll go forward, I’ll take better care of myself, and nurture that hope.

And so, we’re at the end of another Love, February. I don’t know what life will bring to me before next February. So I’ll leave you with this hope I have for you, my dearest and loveliest bean friends: I hope that you find moments of joy in each day, even if they’re small. I hope you remember that you matter, and that you are important. I hope that you are happy in the year to come. And I hope that we can meet here again.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Machete by Amanda Palmer

She wrote this song for her best friend after he passed away. I’ve always loved this verse, because it’s a reminder that we are made of all our experiences, good and bad.

And you took your machete
And you hacked through the woods in the surrounding
And you said, “I don’t know where I’m going
I just know that I’m heading from
The dead things piling up behind me”
And you took your machete
And you carved out a path to my chest and you said
“See
There’s nothing not worth keeping
You’ve felt so many beatings
But nothing’s gonna work if you believe me
Nothing’s gonna work if you believe me”

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Love, February Day 13

First off – to all the Beanies who shared their stories with me yesterday, thank you so much. I truly cannot express how much it meant to me.

There’s something about grief that’s universal but also so personal. No two people experience it the same way, but we all experience it at some point. There’s no timeline for grief. There’s no right way to grieve. There’s nothing we can do to offset it, or truly move on from it. It lives inside us.

But grief isn’t an inherently bad thing.

Grief reminds us we loved. We were loved. That love doesn’t end just because someone is gone.

So, while I may not embrace my grief, I don’t resent the space it takes up inside me.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Someday or One Day by Shi Shi

Sunset fades away
Streetlights start to blaze
A turntable corner café
As evening fades to gray

Red brick alleyways
Winding like a maze
These memories rewind, replay
And I am faraway

He said to me that one day
He’d meet me by the Milky Way
Impossible to stay away
Impossible to stay

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    I’m so sorry.

    Grief can be a bastard that you think has gone away on an extended trip, but then it pops up in the most stupid places. Be kind to yourself, and know that while it never really goes away, it will recede sometimes.

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Love, February Day 12

As February lurches on, I start to count down the days. We’re at 12 days now. The halfway point between the start of the month and the anniversary of my dad’s death. It’ll be two years this year.

The thing is, it’s both easier and harder to move on these days. On the one hand, I like to think that I have been okay, because I know he only ever wanted me to be happy; but on the other hand, it’s hard not to feel guilty and sad that missing him hurts less. That life keeps moving on.

I don’t reach for the phone to call him anymore. I don’t wait to for one of his stupid packages in the mail.

Maybe it’s just that I’m so used to that feeling of him being gone that it’s a part of me now. I’m sad over everything he’ll miss, but I’ve made peace with it. Or at least, I’ve accepted it.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: When We Were Young covered by Taeyeon (originally by Adele)

I just love this cover, and this is one of the few performances of a song that makes me cry.

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    In May, it’ll be three years since my Mum died. The grieving process is honestly like nothing else, is it? So many extremely complex emotions are associated with “grief”. At some point, it stops feeling like the world has ended and it becomes harder to remember their place in the world at all, because you get used to not seeing them. But you still MISS them, and you still see them everywhere. I think if my Mum every time I see a robin, a white feather, a kiss at the end of a text, the locket she gave me, the earrings I inherited from her, Ralph Lauren perfume, and the list goes on.

    Thank you for making me feel less alone in this ♥️

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      Although people expect us to “move on”, I realised after 7 years since losing my dad that grief comes and goes. What I’ve come to accept is that the grief may never go away. It’s easier when I think of it as just another one of my emotions, rather than a mood to be battled and overcome. I mean, even putting down that first sentence was hard for me. But seeing you all share in this way made me want to say something too ❤️

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    January 15, 2010 that’s when my mom passed away. What I’ve learned is that all the cliches are true. Grief *is* like a wave. But here is the thing,for me, my mom is always, always here. I feel her everywhere. That aching pain that I howled when she died that’s lessened. But then out of nowhere it’ll come and flatten me. Those days are fewer and further in between. What I’ve loved–yes, loved–yes the feeling that as I grow into an adult I’m learning more about my mom. I have my memories of her and I look back at my memories through an adult eyes and I see what I couldn’t see as a child. It’s like getting to know her in a different way. I see the decisions she made–the good and the bad–and the advice that she gave. –the good and the bad–and every time I feel like I know her a bit more.
    Now that my dad is in decline…well. I’ve learned there’s no preparing for the inevitable. So I hold on tight and love hard.
    Grief is hard no matter the years that pass. But the love that’s always there and it deepens and it grows.

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      Isa, thank you for sharing this.

      The thing that hurt the most after he was gone was going to his home and realizing and understanding so many things about him. He was the first person to recognize my depression for what it was, and it was only after he was gone that I really understood that he saw it because he was the same. And that part of me is just heartbroken. Because I know now how much it hurt him to see me like that. When I went to his home, I saw myself everywhere. It was devastating, because I didn’t have anyone else to explain it to. Because the one person who did get it was the person who I avoided talking to about it and now he was gone. But it also helped me understand him better, like you said. And maybe that in itself is a gift, because it may have been late, but it was better than never.

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    April 2011 was when my mum left us. I had been preparing for that moment for three years and a week, as precisely three years and week was when we received a devastating diagnose: phase IV lung cancer.

    Those three years and one week were the hardest of my life as I saw the most important person in my life was fading away. They were also the happiest ones because I cherished every little thing and every single laughter. I prepared myself and grieve while I was saying goodbye. I was in peace when she left, and as much as it hurt, I was ready.

    I usually lead with her absence in the best way possible, and I always smile when I talk about my mum. But there are moments… I hear a song, I see a little box, her favourite sweets, or a shawl that belongs to her, and tears come to my eyes, because she was gone too soon and it’s so unfair I can’t share anything with her… but it’s just a minute. I remember then how she is always with me. Always.

    Thanks for sharing this beautiful song. Taeyeon is just a goddess.

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    It was early March 2011 for us when my mom left us. It will have been soon 12 years… and there are still days when I have tears in my eyes… and wish she were here.
    Hugs to all of you here 😘
    And you all worded really beautifully all about grief.

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Love, February Day 11

I used to be really good at self-care. Every Sunday night when I was in law school I would do a facemask and paint my nails while watching a drama. It was a small thing, but it made it easier to face the week and feel my best.

In the few years preceding the pandemic, Sunday afternoons were for hot yoga. It would be my weekly reset. When I walked out of that class, the world was new again. Everything that had happened in the last seven days was totally behind me, and I had a clear week ahead.

During the pandemic, time lost meaning, the days slid together into one endless week/month/year. After I lost my dad and my job, the days were even less important, it was just survival mode. And then a year ago, I got my new job. I got back into some of my routines, back to boxing and yoga regularly, eating better. But the weekly reset has disappeared. I do my nails when I have time, I haven’t done a face mask in forever, and yoga is Monday nights now. I’ve felt unanchored, like I’m just moving from day-to-day, week-to-week in a blur.

But I think tomorrow I’m going to try to make a Sunday routine again. I have a boxing class in the morning, maybe I’ll get a bubble tea after, and that’ll be my new reset. Or maybe I’ll do a face mask and bake something, just to start the week off fresh. Or maybe it’ll be something else all together. But I’m realizing now that those Sunday resets were important to me, and I need to try again.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: BTBT by B.I. & Soulja Boy feat. DaVita

This was one of my favorite songs of 2022, and it makes me so happy to see B.I. making music again.

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    You were inspirational for me even in your darkest moments. 🙂 I hope you can get back your Sunday routine soon.

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    ” I’ve felt unanchored, like I’m just moving from day-to-day, week-to-week in a blur” aigoo I feel you .
    Hoping your Sunday reset will be back soon 🙂 !

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    Hope your Sundays become reset days again. Such good advice here.

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Love, February Day 10

Sometimes the most mundane days become the best days because of the little things.

I woke up this morning to a text from my oldest friend, who came to town last minute. She came over just now, and we had lunch and just talked about everything and nothing. There are some people who just get you, and she’s one of them for me.

As I’ve said before, February is a hard month for me, and I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather, emotionally and physically, lately. It doesn’t help that the case I’m working on is making me depressed and angry, or that the weather has been cold and gloomy and wet. I needed something to break up the endless slow march of this month for me, and this little lunch did it. Just two hours and I feel lighter.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: BFF (Best Friends Forever) by P1Harmony

I just saw these guys a few weeks ago, and they were a lot of fun.

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Love, February Day 9

I love The Linda Lindas because they remind me of what it was like to be young and still figuring things out. They make me want to dance around and sing at the top of my lungs. They also remind me that growing up is hard. It’s not something you can stop, so maybe the best thing is to just embrace it whole heartedly and live in the moment. They remind me that even at [redacted] years old, maybe it’s okay to still be growing up.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Growing Up by The Linda Lindas

I make as many good memories as I can
When there are nights I can’t sleep, it’s okay in the end
I know what I do now makes me me
Wherever we go, wherever we go we…

We’ll dance like nobody’s there
We’ll dance without any cares
We’ll talk ’bout problems we share
We’ll talk ’bout things that ain’t fair
We’ll sing ’bout things we don’t know
We’ll sing to people and show
What it means to be young
And growing up

We’ll take the good with the bad
All of the times that we’ll have
Make every moment last
We’ll have each other’s backs
Cause in the end we don’t know
We don’t know where we will go
We don’t know, so
There’s still a little more
Growing up

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Love, February Day 8

I went out for coffee with my mom this morning. I see her fairly often, but I always prefer short visits like this. It’s harder to argue when you only have 30 minutes.

We don’t always see eye-to-eye and there have been a lot of misunderstandings between us, due in part to miscommunication. But we’re working on it. I’ve learned that sometimes the things I say offhand or casually can be interpreted differently by her.

My mother loves socializing and being around people. She’s outspoken and has gotten the reputation as the cool auntie who makes risqué jokes and tells the best stories about her travels. She’s an open book with her emotions and tends to act on them. I’m a true introvert and not an outwardly affectionate person. I live in my head a lot and prefer to listen to other people’s stories. I tend to sort through my emotions before acting on them.

But we also have a lot in common – we studied the same subjects, we both love books and art and theater, and we both have a good eye for decorating, even if our styles are polar opposites. I know my love of travel and storytelling come from her. I will always be grateful for these gifts.

Sometimes I don’t know how to balance the differences with the similarities. We see the world through such different lenses and there’s so much about her I still don’t know or understand. But at the same time, there’s so much about me she doesn’t know or understand either.

At the end of the day, she is my mother and I love her, even if I don’t say it in so many words.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Mother by Said the Whale

I try to always be a gentleman
I try to always be a better friend
Lately I’ve been feeling half a man
Like maybe I should be more who I am
Maybe I should fuck something up good
Or maybe I should act like someone bad

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Love, February Day 7

Sometimes all you need is a bit of sunshine and a good playlist.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Waterloo by ABBA

Because who doesn’t love ABBA?

But also, everything about this video is fantastic.

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Love, February Day 6

I really hate exercising.

But what makes me even more annoyed that having some kind of regular exercise genuinely helps my mental health in so many ways.

I usually have to drag myself to class (I mostly do hot yoga and boxing) because I am never going to be motivated to do it on my own. And every single time I get out of class feeling more energized and clearer headed.

But more than that, each class reminds me how strong my body can be. I may not be the strongest or fastest in boxing, but I’m still miles ahead of where I was a year ago when I picked it up again. And I still have issues with balance, but at least I can balance, which I could barely do a year ago. And I love that.

It’s not a cure by any means, but it helps clear a lot of the fog that can be brought on by anxiety and depression for a bit. It’s a brief respite from the chaos in my head. And that helps me remember that it is worth taking care of myself, because I am worth it.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, sometimes you have to embrace the things you don’t love in order to find parts of yourself you do love. Funny how that works.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Zoo by TAEYONG, JENO, HENDERY, YANGYANG, GISELLE

I just love the energy here, and I’ve been listening to it a lot for the last few months.

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    I hate exercising too! But I do love how it makes me feel after I’m done. It’s an irony.

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      Did hot yoga today, and it was awful dragging myself there, but I feel so refreshed now. Plus I could really see my progress today, which is so annoying because that means I have to go again next week. Stupid endorphins.

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    That’s a perfect to way to put it. I should do badminton more.

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Love, February Day 5

Today I’m reminding myself to be compassionate with myself.

I’m exhausted. I can barely make it out of bed at 9 a.m. on a weekday to work, but somehow this weekend I’ve been up at 7:30 a.m. I already have sleep issues. Now I’m so tired I can’t think straight. I was going to go run errands and get stuff done but I got in my own way.

Now it’s 6:30 p.m. and I haven’t been outside yet. I’ve been on the phone trying to sort out something and I’m ready to hurl my phone across the room. No one can help me, and I’m just so frustrated and going in circles at this point. I’m honestly very angry and want to cry right now.

I know a lot of this is because I’m exhausted right now. This month is hard for me as it is, and my anxiety always seems to spike which makes it hard to think clearly. But it’s one thing to rationally know these things – it’s another to tell my brain to be calm.

So being compassionate with myself is the best I can do. I’m letting myself be angry and frustrated but I refuse to let those emotions rule me. I’m having a cup of tea and watching the end of You’ve Got Mail on TV. I’ll go out and get some food later. Watch Crash Course in Romance. Clean up my apartment a bit; I know that the mess all over my dining table isn’t helping my anxiety. Even if the day is a total wash, it’s fine.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Sometimes that mantra is what gets me through these things—knowing there’s always a fresh start waiting for me.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Lazy by Woosung

I saw him open for Epik High last year, and the saw The Rose in October. I love that his solo work is different and has its own vibe, though I’ve loved The Rose since their debut and want nothing but success for them now.

Today again is a fancy fancy day
Everyday is so chaotic
Why don’t I have a day off?

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    Thank you for introducing me to my new theme song.
    Compassion and self-care are so important! Even if it’s letting the day end and embracing tomorrow.

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      I’ve really learned to accept when I’m feeling a big “negative” emotion and let myself ride it out instead of trying to make it better. Not wallow in it, but recognizing that I can’t always control how I feel, but I can control how I deal with it.

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    Love this song.

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    Your mantra is similar to my sister’s: “Tomorrow is another day”.
    She has this way of always rebounding from difficult situations and when I asked her how, she said that she only dwells in that feeling that day and then moves on from it. As someone that suffers from anxiety as well, I constantly dwell on her mantra. My mind gets it, but my body doesn’t, all my anxiety goes straight to my health and I feel it. But, as you said, Tomorrow will be a new day! I hope that you get to have a better week and you are compassionate with yourself:)

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      Oh, my body definitely feels it too. I was nauseous this afternoon and almost skipped dinner because of lack of appetite and because I ended up feeling too anxious to go out. But instead of beating myself up over it, I managed to scrounge up something and am reminding myself that I can always start again tomorrow.

      To deal with physical symptoms of anxiety I definitely have to look more to habit and routine – regular excercise and regular balanced meals. I know another part of why I feel so terrible these days is because my eating habits have become trash. Skipping meals, too many sweets, etc. Working on it, but it’s definitely a slow process. Which is why when I feel big emotions I let them through so they don’t add on to the anxiety, which is already hard to deal with.

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        Oh, I feel you! I have a really bad gut, so eating is not my favorite thing to do, but I make myself eat something even when I am down, I know that it will be better if I do. It’s hard, eating is such a big part of your day and I almost never look forward to it; I started watching dramas during meals so that I could enjoy my time a little bit better. I really need to incorporate exercise to my routine, but it gets dark early and all I want to do at the end of the day is to not be tired. Anxiety is hard, but I’m also working on it and trying to see what works best for me to get over it easily. Letting the big emotions ride out the way they want to, also helps me get over them quicker. And yes, it is a slow process! My everything wants for it to go faster, but it’s hard. I wish you all the best in your own journey:) Fighting!

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    “So being compassionate with myself is the best I can do. I’m letting myself be angry and frustrated but I refuse to let those emotions rule me.” ♥♥♥

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    💚💚💚

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Love, February Day 4

Every few months I get this itch – a need to create a playlist that fits a really specific theme or idea in my head. It may be something as simple as doing a deep dive into one group’s discography, or as complicated as trying to pick songs that capture a particular feeling or moment in time for me. I haven’t done an end of summer playlist in a few years, but when I go back and listen to my old ones, I’m immediately transported back to that moment in time.

Summer ’09 is a particularly special one for me, a mix of Bollywood and Michael Jackson, with a lot of contemporary pop and rock mixed in for good measure. It transports me back to my summer abroad, riding the train between London and Brighton, red eye flights booked 24 hours prior, taking the tube to my aunt’s home. Or there’s the Summer ’06 mix, which takes me to the summer after high school, Dresden Dolls and Snow Patrol and whatever pop and alternative was playing on the radio those days. I remember driving around with the music turned up, feeling so strange, no longer in grade school but not really a university student yet, somewhere between childhood and adulthood. The world was getting bigger, and the future was unknown, but at least I had my songs.

I miss the days of burning CDs, trying to fit as many tracks on that disc as I could. Finding bootlegged live performances, and demos and alternative versions of songs I loved. There was something so intimate about making a mix – it was a calming ritual. I probably made a new one every two weeks in high school. I have dozens of them at home, just sitting in a binder in the closet. I can’t get rid of them, they were such a part of who I was and who I am.

Don’t get me wrong – I love that I can stream the latest Epik High album as soon as it’s released, and doing deep dives on artists is much easier with their whole discography available in a few clicks. It’s also easier to discover new artists, and rediscover old loves. But there was something about making a mix CD that made you really stop and listen to the music. You had to be particular, choose with care, make sure that each track flowed nicely into the next, especially if you were making it for someone else. It was such an intimate act of sharing – this is what I love, I hope you love it too.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Flowers by Miley Cyrus

Never got into Miley, but this song is a bop. And if the rumors that it’s about her ex are true, so much better. As Beyoncé reminds us all: “best revenge is your paper.”

We were good, we were gold
Kinda dream that can’t be sold
We were right ’til we weren’t
Built a home and watched it burn

Mm, I didn’t wanna leave you
I didn’t wanna lie
Started to cry but then remembered I

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don’t understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

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Love, February Day 3

You know what I love? That delicious feeling of a Friday night.

Growing up, we’d usually stop at Blockbuster and pick up some movies (that three for $5 weekend deal was the best). Then we’d pick up pizza or go out, since my mom never wanted to cook on Friday and all the leftovers were gone. I remember loving that feeling – the start of the weekend. No homework or school the next day.

In university, Friday nights were for Battlestar Galactica. I remember all of us squished in on the couch, watching on a laptop. Some of us in our pajamas, others half dressed for a night out.

In law school, Friday night was about finally having one night to take a break from the work and studying. I used to curl up with a drama or sci-fi show and just turn my brain off for a few hours, leaving my books in my bag and pretending they didn’t exist.

When I started working, it was for finally knowing that I would have two full days to do whatever I wanted. During my first job, that mostly meant resting my feet, and relaxing after five days of endless, thankless work.

Tonight, it’s for having a giant plate of pasta and then curling up with a book. Maybe doing my nails or making brownies. The possibilities are endless, but the choices are easy. It’s my night to do whatever I want, free of obligations.

Friday nights. There’s a new one every week, but it’s nice to have something to look forward to. It’s not always a night for remarkable things to happen, but it is a night for remembering to relax and be grateful we made it through another week.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: Beautiful Night by Gaho

Wanna blend into this bright light city
(Wanna picture this night with you)
A thousand stars fall on you
(But the brightest one is you)

You and I, we’re the main characters
To walk in this light, in this festival
The whole world holds for us

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Love, February Day 2

I often think about this scene from Her Private Life.

I love art.

Art is tricky because it’s so subjective, so emotional, so personal, and yet so public. Every one of us sees art differently, and I love hearing how others perceive things I can’t in an artwork. I’ve been a docent and worked with kids in museums, and I absolutely loved hearing what they thought of the artwork, and how creatively they came up with meaning and stories about each piece.

But at the end of the day, we are all more spectacular than any piece of art in a museum or gallery. Each of us is special and unique and alive in a way that art never can be. It’s what makes us so special. We often talk about self-love here during Love, February, and this idea, that because we are a living being, we are great, is truly the epitome of that.

So, I guess today I want to remind you that You are great simply because you’re here. Your life means something.

Love,
February

Song of the Day:Get Myself by FYKE feat. Amber Liu

I’ve been listening to this a lot lately, and it really just reminds me to love who I am and not apologize for being myself.

If I showed you things that I couldn’t
Would you leave? (don’t leave)
Would you love me the same ’cause I wouldn’t

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    “Each of us is special and unique and alive in a way that art never can be. It’s what makes us so special. ”
    Thank you for these beautiful words ♥

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    Thank you for reminding me of this scene! “this idea, that because we are a living being, we are great, is truly the epitome of that.” I truly could not have said that better! Thank you ^_^

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Love, February Day 1

Well.

Here we are again.

I f***ing hate this month.

I’ve said it every year, I’ll say it again.

I hate this stupid short month with its stupid cold days and its stupid cupids.

But I kind of love Love, February.

So.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s begin in earnest.

A few days ago, I went back through my wall, looking for something and it led me my first year of Love, February posts. My goodness, I left a lot of myself on this wall back then. The following years have been less personal, more reflective. Music is the throughline, as always. Surprise surprise.

The first year was about expelling the ghosts of my past, gaining the lightness and freedom I needed to move forward. It was healing.

The second year was an escape. I was tired, burned out but in denial. Writing these posts was a little respite from the awfulness that is February.

The third year was my uninspired year. After eleven months of distance and solitude, it was hard to find inspiration in anything, let alone love. In retrospect, it felt like a prelude to the days to come. Sometimes I wonder if I knew. That February ended…badly.

Last year was about mourning and grief. It was about learning to say goodbye. Learning that February is not ever going to be any easier.

So, that brings us to this year. Year five. I don’t know what this year will bring. But it seems like after five years, something significant should emerge. But then again, why do we feel like five is such a significant benchmark? Half a decade? I don’t know. It feels so arbitrary, but also, it feels like a shift is imminent. This last year, I’ve felt restless, both unlike myself and more like myself than ever before. I’ve been questioning a lot, but I have no answers.

And, with that, I suppose, we are off. I don’t know if I have the words in me this year, but I’ll try.

Love,
February

Song of the Day: On My Way by Epik High feat. Jackson Wang

In honor of their new album, Strawberry, out today.
My absolute faves, can’t wait to see them again in March.

The door I was knocking on turned out to be a wall
Here’s me waving goodbye with a bloody fist
Singing I’ll be on my way
OK, they say, “Be the change u wanna see in the world”
But it’s only I that have changed and the world stands unmoved

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    stupid cupid 😉

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    I love your reflection. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years, but here we are…

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      Crazy, right?! But yeah. I still remember writing some of my first posts for Love, February a few years ago, never knowing how much they would change me. They really helped me find my voice again after years of feeling like it had disappeared into a deep dark cave.

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    💜 glad to see you again Snarky. It’s crazy it’s been years of this… but, no pressure, but I do really love your music recommendations each year.

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      Coco!

      As always, thank you for sharing this beautiful tradition. Honestly, this makes the month go by a lot faster. I think I’m just in a funk today. Five years – so crazy. Everyone around here has gone through so many life changes. I hope you’re doing well! How is your little tigress?

      I can honestly say this has become one of my favorite traditions over the last few years. It’s a moment each day to slow down and reflect. It helps me clear a lot of the clutter from my chaotic brain, which can be really cathartic when life is overwhelming.

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        I get being in a funk… Honestly nearly forgot about it this year! I really don’t sleep anymore and it’s starting to show… She’s trying to start walking! Which is exciting and sad because she’s getting to be such a big kid…

        Thank you so much for participating each year, I forgot how special the community coming together here was!

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    Maybe a new beginning?
    New friends?
    New doors?

    Happy February 😘

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    Snarky!

    It’s nice to see you back~ and yes, no pressure but looking forward to the music you’ll recommend this year~

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