Last night I had a family emergency, and it has left me feeling emotionally drained. It looks like everything is okay now, but I was scared there for a few hours. It wasn’t a good feeling. I used work to distract myself today and it worked to a degree, but it’s probably not a healthy response. I love my family. I don’t tell them this often, because I’m not an emotionally expressive person, but I do love them very much. I hate that I can’t really express myself in words to them, so I try in all the other ways I can.
Something that has always helped me is music – not necessarily to match my mood, but because it can express so much with such a simple action. I can’t play or sing, but I can listen. Music helps drown out the noise but it also helps me make sense of it.
I’ve always been better at listening than talking. I prefer listening to talking. But I also think that this has made me minimize my own feelings at times. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t know. It’s weird, because I think I can be very expressive at other times, but when it comes to myself and the hard emotions, I’m overly pragmatic and don’t give my feelings the space they need.
I know that it’s not because I don’t think other people will care, because I am incredibly lucky to have people who do care in my life. I think maybe it’s because I know how hard it can be to listen. This isn’t a judgement on people – but we have so many instincts to comfort and relate, which isn’t always the same as listening. But a lot of what people really need, I’ve found, is someone who can just listen to their words, to let their emotions come out as they need to, unfiltered and unedited.
Maybe that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m not sure. The last year has been so hard. For everyone. And I know it’s fair and valid to be frustrated and sad. But something about this moment, today, just feels really hard. It’s not that I don’t feel a lot of love, but it’s more that I don’t know how to express it. And today that frustrates me more than usual.
Okay.. wow! This sounds a lot like myself.. I feel weirdly exposed!
I get frustrated a lot with myself too, it feels like you’re stuck with all these emotions that you can’t translate into words, and it seems so easy for other people to do it when you’re just sitting there listening and honestly I found myself wondering in a lot of these instances of what it would feel like to be the one talking instead!
One thing I learned this passed year though is to go easy on myself and to just allow people to be there for me even if we sit in silence, that is strangely very comforting. Also, a certain someone told me that words are overrated so.. yeah!
(Also, I promise I’m not stalking your wall, I’m just playing catch up with Love, February posts)
Ha, I’m glad someone relates. Sometimes it’s not even that I don’t have the words, it’s just that saying them aloud makes things real. I tend to keep most people at arms length, though I’m not sure why. (OK, that’s a lie, I have some ideas here, but that’s a whole different story.)
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could pick up the phone and call to someone just to talk. I know that my friends don’t see me as a burden, and I know that they’re there for me, even just to sit in silence. But I usually only ever talk about my problems well after I’ve sorted out my emotions, so that I can distance myself from them.
This particular day was a lot harder for me because I live alone and it was night when I got the call and I couldn’t do anything about it since the person was in a different state. The fear felt amplified because of the isolation, and none of my friends are nearby right now, so it has been particularly hard to feel connected to people lately.
Honestly, I read your SNG stories and they give me hope that maybe one day I’ll find my own SNG who will understand my awkwardness and my silence. I’m so happy everything worked out for you, and I wish you and SNG all the happiness in the world.
Oh, I get you, words just don’t come easy to us most of the times. I hope you are doing a lot better now and whatever that call was it got sorted. I never tried living alone so I can’t imagine how hard it must be!
To be honest, it was not easy to share my silences even with him, but I gave him the biggest scare of his life a couple of months ago and after that I learned a lesson and promised that I would at least let him do that!
Thank you so much, I do hope you find your own SNG someday and he’s even better than mine (though I doubt it ..kidding!) and he’ll be understanding, patient and kind and all the things your heart wishes for.
It’s definitely been heavy in my music rotation, and I really hope they tour internationally for it when it is safe again. Also, I’m very excited that there’s a part 2 coming eventually.
I’ve also been listening to Sleepless In ____________ at night before bed too. I just find it such a comforting album.
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SnarkyJellyfish
February 3, 2021 at 4:59 PM
Day Three
Post is in the comments today, so I’ll meet you there.
Meanwhile, here’s a song that I’m really digging these days to keep you company.
SnarkyJellyfish
February 3, 2021 at 5:02 PM
I’m tired today.
Last night I had a family emergency, and it has left me feeling emotionally drained. It looks like everything is okay now, but I was scared there for a few hours. It wasn’t a good feeling. I used work to distract myself today and it worked to a degree, but it’s probably not a healthy response. I love my family. I don’t tell them this often, because I’m not an emotionally expressive person, but I do love them very much. I hate that I can’t really express myself in words to them, so I try in all the other ways I can.
Something that has always helped me is music – not necessarily to match my mood, but because it can express so much with such a simple action. I can’t play or sing, but I can listen. Music helps drown out the noise but it also helps me make sense of it.
I’ve always been better at listening than talking. I prefer listening to talking. But I also think that this has made me minimize my own feelings at times. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t know. It’s weird, because I think I can be very expressive at other times, but when it comes to myself and the hard emotions, I’m overly pragmatic and don’t give my feelings the space they need.
I know that it’s not because I don’t think other people will care, because I am incredibly lucky to have people who do care in my life. I think maybe it’s because I know how hard it can be to listen. This isn’t a judgement on people – but we have so many instincts to comfort and relate, which isn’t always the same as listening. But a lot of what people really need, I’ve found, is someone who can just listen to their words, to let their emotions come out as they need to, unfiltered and unedited.
Maybe that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m not sure. The last year has been so hard. For everyone. And I know it’s fair and valid to be frustrated and sad. But something about this moment, today, just feels really hard. It’s not that I don’t feel a lot of love, but it’s more that I don’t know how to express it. And today that frustrates me more than usual.
Love,
February
azzo
February 6, 2021 at 10:12 PM
Okay.. wow! This sounds a lot like myself.. I feel weirdly exposed!
I get frustrated a lot with myself too, it feels like you’re stuck with all these emotions that you can’t translate into words, and it seems so easy for other people to do it when you’re just sitting there listening and honestly I found myself wondering in a lot of these instances of what it would feel like to be the one talking instead!
One thing I learned this passed year though is to go easy on myself and to just allow people to be there for me even if we sit in silence, that is strangely very comforting. Also, a certain someone told me that words are overrated so.. yeah!
(Also, I promise I’m not stalking your wall, I’m just playing catch up with Love, February posts)
SnarkyJellyfish
February 7, 2021 at 12:47 AM
Ha, I’m glad someone relates. Sometimes it’s not even that I don’t have the words, it’s just that saying them aloud makes things real. I tend to keep most people at arms length, though I’m not sure why. (OK, that’s a lie, I have some ideas here, but that’s a whole different story.)
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could pick up the phone and call to someone just to talk. I know that my friends don’t see me as a burden, and I know that they’re there for me, even just to sit in silence. But I usually only ever talk about my problems well after I’ve sorted out my emotions, so that I can distance myself from them.
This particular day was a lot harder for me because I live alone and it was night when I got the call and I couldn’t do anything about it since the person was in a different state. The fear felt amplified because of the isolation, and none of my friends are nearby right now, so it has been particularly hard to feel connected to people lately.
Honestly, I read your SNG stories and they give me hope that maybe one day I’ll find my own SNG who will understand my awkwardness and my silence. I’m so happy everything worked out for you, and I wish you and SNG all the happiness in the world.
azzo
February 7, 2021 at 10:26 PM
Oh, I get you, words just don’t come easy to us most of the times. I hope you are doing a lot better now and whatever that call was it got sorted. I never tried living alone so I can’t imagine how hard it must be!
To be honest, it was not easy to share my silences even with him, but I gave him the biggest scare of his life a couple of months ago and after that I learned a lesson and promised that I would at least let him do that!
Thank you so much, I do hope you find your own SNG someday and he’s even better than mine (though I doubt it ..kidding!) and he’ll be understanding, patient and kind and all the things your heart wishes for.
mugyuljoie is preciousss
February 3, 2021 at 11:41 PM
I’ve been listening to Epik High Is Here on repeat.
SnarkyJellyfish
February 4, 2021 at 6:00 AM
It’s definitely been heavy in my music rotation, and I really hope they tour internationally for it when it is safe again. Also, I’m very excited that there’s a part 2 coming eventually.
I’ve also been listening to Sleepless In ____________ at night before bed too. I just find it such a comforting album.