[2021 Year in Review] Discovering the monster underneath the designer clothing

41 December 18, 2021December 23, 2021

[2021 Year in Review] Discovering the monster underneath the designer clothing

by Guest Beanie

Dal-li and Gamjatang

Keep Beaning on everyone! Fifth year, fifth entry! I have already published a trilogy about the chronicles of my journey to permanent employment and happiness, followed by an epilogue last year about the start of my permanent job as a civil servant in training. Unfortunately, my past entries did not age well into 2021. I mentally crashed in May, after struggling for months in yet another toxic workplace disguised as a desirable career path. A burnout entry would have felt right at home in this narrative universe, but reality had a heavier plot in mind: depression, panic – and anxiety disorder.

Finding a job suddenly, very ironically, became the least of my worries as I grappled with the realization that something even worse than being unemployed had been going on in my life all this time. Something that clearly could not be cured by the many professional epiphanies and diligent job hunting over the years. Something that affected not only my professional life, but my entire life and my whole identity. Getting professional help seemed to be the only way out while drowning in fears and despair, so I contacted a psychotherapist and I have been in therapy since this summer.

I found a lot to relate to in the dramas I watched — particularly in Dal-li and Gamjatang. In the drama, Dal-li saw her safe and sheltered world burn down as soon as her father died. Creditor after creditor descended upon her out of nowhere to empty her wallet and her soul, to the point that even the characters around her started to notice how ridiculously the tables had turned. Of course, the creditors had an invisible mastermind for back-up, and one who was dead set on keeping Dal-li fragile and helpless. Replace the creditors with irrational fears — and the mastermind with my own inner monsters — and you can imagine what my year has been like.

Fortunately for Dal-li, Moo-hak (the story’s hero) was on supportive back-up duty. The Gamjatang Prince admired Dal-li for her inner strength and the progress she made as she tried to get back on her feet again — even amidst the resistance, struggle, and pity from other characters.

Moo-hak was able to look past her financial issues in order to truly love her. He even called out the evil mastermind on his misbehavior when he made yet another attempt to take Dal-li’s agency away. Interestingly, Moo-hak is not Dal-li’s knight in shining armor. He knows that her quiet demeanor, elegance, and inner strength are enough to get the job done. But at times when she needs rest, or someone to lend a hand, Moo-hak is always more than willing to give it.

I am still figuring out how my inner monsters operate, because I have been blindsided by them for so long. However, I do understand now that many of my fears would not be as much of a threat without the monsters’ influence — the same way that Dal-li’s creditors were merely pawns of the bigger bad. For me, this means I can learn to hold my own just like Dal-li does, with lots of patience, practice, and the occasional intervention of sidekick Moo-hak.

Alas, in real life there is no Kim Min-jae lingering nearby, so I had to look inside myself to find my Moo-hak comrade. Luckily, I discovered him, deeply buried by my monsters. This side of my personality is not fully awake and alert yet, but it is now up to me to make sure it never sleeps again. Or perhaps my Dal-li and Moo-hak personalities might merge eventually. In the end, I will become one whole person that stands up for herself. I will be able to give myself the reassurance, courage, and praise I require. In the meantime, Moo-hak can provide all that, and kick the mastermind monster, their minions, and their load of garbage out of the room. Shoes included.

Required fields are marked *

1 Dorotka

December 18, 2021 at 3:01 PM

Hwaiting! 😘🤞

Required fields are marked *