It was one year ago today that I got a call that made my heart drop into my stomach. I remember it was late and I was alone in my apartment. I remember sitting on my sofa in silence because music seemed inappropriate for the thoughts going through my head. I felt so small and scared and alone. The lights felt too bright, but I was too afraid of what would happen if I turned them off. The day had a happy ending (for a little while) but those were some of the worst hours of my life. It turns out that night was just a preview.
Earlier that day I had written a post for Love, February about how much I hate this month and how it feels like it always tries to break my spirit. Well, February, you won. You are officially the worst month of the year now. This will always and forever be the month that I lost my dad.
I find myself counting the days again. I stopped counting the days in the After somewhere around month three. I kept busy, I found things to do, and I kept living because that is what you do. Time marches, whether you want it to or not, so better to embrace it than be eaten by it. Life got better, then worse, then leveled out into okay. But the days have become numbered again.
17 days to the last time we spoke.
21 days to the start of my new job.
22 days to the day I had to say goodbye.
I don’t know when these countdowns will end. Maybe they’ll become expanded, and days will turn to weeks, and then years, and time will just be time again, no longer the After. Maybe one day I’ll start forgetting the date, and when I see those three stars marked in my calendar it will take me a second to remember why they’re there. Or maybe the counting never ends.
I don’t know which is worse: remembering the days or forgetting them.
Love,
February
[Song of the Day:Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart]
Nothin’ is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it’s just as well
But I miss your face like hell
It does get less painful as time goes by, but it still catches me by surprise once in awhile as if it happened yesterday. Wishing you comfort and peace.
Thank you for including this song. That’s one of my favorite albums.
I am sorry for your loss. I hate September because it is when I lost my mom who was also my best friend. It will be 10 years this year. And darn I still miss her and long for her thoughts and insights. Just for her really. This morning I randomly had the thought, though I do not want to go back to that first year of grief as it is a monster, but being so far from when I last saw her is series sad too.
Not that it always is or that it is never ending. Time does smooth it out some, but I still actively love her so I still miss her. And that is ok.
Be kind to yourself and treat yourself gently. A few months after the first anniversary I fell into a dark space that I was not expecting.
I love seeing how much music helps you. During that time dark time one of the songs I held tightly to was P.S. You Rock My World by Eels.
Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope your September passes a little easier this year.
Most of the last 8-10 months have been okay(ish) and I’ve been able to move on, whatever that really means. But for some reason this month is just feeling so hard after so many good weeks. I think I’m emotionally overwhelmed between this anniversary, anxiety over the new job, and a few other personal issues which have cropped up. Just working through it one day at a time is my goal for now.
That song is amazing, thank you for sharing it, I love it.
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SnarkyJellyfish
February 2, 2022 at 8:24 PM
Day Two
It was one year ago today that I got a call that made my heart drop into my stomach. I remember it was late and I was alone in my apartment. I remember sitting on my sofa in silence because music seemed inappropriate for the thoughts going through my head. I felt so small and scared and alone. The lights felt too bright, but I was too afraid of what would happen if I turned them off. The day had a happy ending (for a little while) but those were some of the worst hours of my life. It turns out that night was just a preview.
Earlier that day I had written a post for Love, February about how much I hate this month and how it feels like it always tries to break my spirit. Well, February, you won. You are officially the worst month of the year now. This will always and forever be the month that I lost my dad.
I find myself counting the days again. I stopped counting the days in the After somewhere around month three. I kept busy, I found things to do, and I kept living because that is what you do. Time marches, whether you want it to or not, so better to embrace it than be eaten by it. Life got better, then worse, then leveled out into okay. But the days have become numbered again.
17 days to the last time we spoke.
21 days to the start of my new job.
22 days to the day I had to say goodbye.
I don’t know when these countdowns will end. Maybe they’ll become expanded, and days will turn to weeks, and then years, and time will just be time again, no longer the After. Maybe one day I’ll start forgetting the date, and when I see those three stars marked in my calendar it will take me a second to remember why they’re there. Or maybe the counting never ends.
I don’t know which is worse: remembering the days or forgetting them.
Love,
February
[Song of the Day: Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart]
Nothin’ is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it’s just as well
But I miss your face like hell
earthna
February 2, 2022 at 9:52 PM
*silently sits beside you because words can’t do anything right now*
gadis
February 2, 2022 at 11:03 PM
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I hope at least this virtual hug from across the world will let you know that you are not alone.
neener ~ Inside the Magic Shop ~
February 2, 2022 at 11:38 PM
*tightest virtual hug*
Jingbee
February 3, 2022 at 3:51 AM
*huggggssss*
RenOIshi
February 3, 2022 at 5:02 AM
Hugs ♥️
sirena
February 3, 2022 at 6:05 AM
I am sorry for your loss.
greenfields
February 3, 2022 at 7:43 AM
I have no helpful words, just to say, I’m sorry for your loss.
mugyuljoie is preciousss
February 3, 2022 at 7:58 AM
It does get less painful as time goes by, but it still catches me by surprise once in awhile as if it happened yesterday. Wishing you comfort and peace.
Thank you for including this song. That’s one of my favorite albums.
Cocoa, The Fake Poet of February
February 3, 2022 at 3:47 PM
I love this song.
Thank you for sharing.
There are no other words…
Beverly
February 12, 2022 at 9:13 PM
I am sorry for your loss. I hate September because it is when I lost my mom who was also my best friend. It will be 10 years this year. And darn I still miss her and long for her thoughts and insights. Just for her really. This morning I randomly had the thought, though I do not want to go back to that first year of grief as it is a monster, but being so far from when I last saw her is series sad too.
Not that it always is or that it is never ending. Time does smooth it out some, but I still actively love her so I still miss her. And that is ok.
Be kind to yourself and treat yourself gently. A few months after the first anniversary I fell into a dark space that I was not expecting.
I love seeing how much music helps you. During that time dark time one of the songs I held tightly to was P.S. You Rock My World by Eels.
SnarkyJellyfish
February 12, 2022 at 9:47 PM
Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope your September passes a little easier this year.
Most of the last 8-10 months have been okay(ish) and I’ve been able to move on, whatever that really means. But for some reason this month is just feeling so hard after so many good weeks. I think I’m emotionally overwhelmed between this anniversary, anxiety over the new job, and a few other personal issues which have cropped up. Just working through it one day at a time is my goal for now.
That song is amazing, thank you for sharing it, I love it.