Beanie level: Rooftop room dweller

hmmmm just learned about ATL from last night after yest seeing another [] trans women murdered so uh previous post false alarm! but ill be ok. stay safe. i will do the same.

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im so anxious to check my notifications 🙁

i am doing LEAGUES AND LEAGUES better. thinking about where i was…i never want to feel that way. i may, but i am okay now. thank you for the encouragement.

maybe i was knocked out of my stupor because i had to buy a new (refurbished) computer and parting with that money LMAO….

where your eyes linger finished! i honestly really enjoyed it. so i lied jk apoym wasnt the last korean thing i saw. has anyone else seen it? 8 eps clocking in 10m each. literally perfect for my brain lol. also ‘2gether’ lmao. i think most of you may know this but i (whispers) watch quite a Bit of BL and even analyze it (to myself) on a blog gjhouasijpaihoughigihgosohhogsohashohoughah ahhahahahhahahHAHAHAHHAHA ok lmk if you’re thinking of watching either or have. if you have seen wyel what did u think?

also if anyone is interested in it i have been sharing things on my pocket (bookmark service) i want to read and put in my recommendations here! (p much all revolutionary stuff but then i find rly interesting things and save them >_:O

i don’t know if any of you had it, a couple of my friends for sure did and they are ok and with new info coming out about it if you were sick way back there may have been a chance. but if you did or are recovering, god bless. if any of you have lost someone…i am so fucking sorry. i reckon everyone will know someone physically hurt by it. i really am sorry.

and anyone in economic straits, job loss, i am sorry for you as well. if any of you are afraid you wont get unemployment (PUA) in the US but would like it: APPLY FOR IT. i am serious, you will get it 95.99999% you will have to try if it is difficult but if you think you won’t be allowed to…you will. it opened up a lot of doors for workers like me (part time and gig.) i hope that’s encouraging a bit.

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hey all! i am sorry i have been using this as a personal diary. i just feel like i was able to be more fun and enjoy dramas and clown on them and analyze and now…it was one thing that could keep me less anxious. there isn’t anything that’s so far caught my fancy. i have so many films to watch, a lot of art to do, soooo SOOOOO much to read. for knowledge, pleasure, my future.

i do PA work for this black woman who has noted many theaters that haven’t spoken up on what’s happened. so i am glad that i have that. when we can truly mingle and go outside (though with many changes i am sure) i hope my better personal life comes.

anyway…i digress. i really love to just…talk about my thoughts. and have people share with me. or even know someone is listening. i know you will all say, “don’t apologize” but DB has been a very peaceful place for me. a place where i have kind of gotten to know myself more. i always wish i could be more present for you. sometimes i don’t know if i’m actually being human but know that my feelings for you all, especially those i interact with frequently, are sincere.

i am way better right now. i can’t go back full-force into organizing (and i can’t even go outside, really but people have been doing trainings and stuff…) i haven’t been able to talk to org friends bc frankly they remind me of pain. just knowing they are there with me. i can barely talk to them. but i’m not going to die so there’s that. my parents are…who they are (LOL) but hm. i am getting finances together and after 28 years of life i am finally getting a credit card (anyone who has had toxic parents probably knows how little you seem to know about the world whilst being mature.)

all over the place as usual. have you been watching anything good? i was honestly sick of hearing korean lol and the storylines were bugging me. and i am not particularly pleased with korean media rn. but i miss it here…i will be back. then you’ll be like “shit, she’s fucking bugging me and won’t shut up.”

hope you can answer, hope you are well. i think some of you may like this, “Is Prison Necessary? RWG might change your mind” and here is the link https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/17/magazine/prison-abolition-ruth-wilson-gilmore.html

oh and i had to buy a new computer and it is refurbished and i despise mac and seeing that money go from my account…mate….i can kinda make bad jokes again!!!

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    please know i think of you. i feel like i ask a lot of emotional labor. i know that’s probably my own guilt and feelings i have to move on from. but i just can be better. i hope you’re having fun today.

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    No need to be watching kdrama to hang out here, just drop by and be yourself! We read you (and miss you when you don’t show up for a while)

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    im glad youre doing better!

    i havent really watched any new kdrama since apoym ended. nothing has caught my interest. kdramaworld has forsaken me when i needed it most…!

    anyway, nobody thinks you’re bugging anyone and i personally enjoy reading about your thoughts on kdrama, life, the world, activism, and anything else, even if i dont always have anything interesting to say about it, and i live on the other side of the ocean. i bet many others feel the same. so… dont worry about it!

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      i hope something catches you soon! that’s the last thing i saw as well (though i haven’t finished.)

      omg it really does seem like when we need it the most it’s just (poof) nothing then when we don’t….it all comes rushing at once….

      thank you so much for saying so, i will keep that in mind. i love the world so on the other side counts for me too like i hope you’re doing okay and safe.

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    *in mom voice* Build your credit slowly by using your credit card sparingly and paying it off all at once when possible so you don’t give the bank your money.

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    Haven’t watched much Korean dramas either. Don’t worry about it. Just watched the classic TW-drama Bromance. Amazing chemistry and makjang-like story.

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      u liked it???? omg tell me more

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        It’s about a girl Pi Yanuo who knows how to fight and dresses as a guy to hide her gender until her 26th birthday (because reasons). She gets involved with the rich, handsome Du Zifeng, the son of an powerful family. Because she saves him and his sister in the same day, she is asked by his mother to be Zifeng’s friend, which translates to being sworn brothers (complete with a blood promise).

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one good thing. 10 year old japanese drumming queen covers one of my favorite songs/nirvana songs and does an amazing improv! Drain You drum cover!

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checkin in. watchin that short korean \”bl\” i think it more of a fuck u 2 homophobia + capital. it\’s good timing. everything is connected. love that kid, this sad black girl from the US supports you.

rn everyday is a battle in pain. distress. thinking of death. who i am and my life on this earth, my worth and personhood and my peoples. but i blocked twitter for a day so i can\’t manage social media for IWW. sometimes i sob and talk to my mom. i\’m trying to read about different types of rituals for death and how to be comfortable with death. the racial trauma and psychic attacks is a little easier if i know that, even though this wasn\’t their choice, they are at infinite peace. they were here, they were loved, we will honor them.

but it hurts so bad. so many of us are setting ourselves on self-destruct. i am trying to take care of myself.

hope you guys are okay. hope you\’re taking a break if you\’re in pain. hope you\’re staying inside. and i hope you\’re learnng and doing your part in some way. waht keeps me going besides knowing when we climb out of this mud at this moment is that people have finally seen it. that doesn\’t mean everything is changing but that does mean many people realize a better world is possible, is coming, and multiracial solidarity and revolution is coming. we are coming from love and light. they\’re coming from hate. they will never be at peace. but the ones who lost their life will. whoever is out there whatever is out there, they\’re at peace.

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    Hope you’re okay, too.

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    Take care of yourself. Stay healthy. To live well and prosper is the best revenge on those haters.

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      🤟🏽🤟🏽🤟🏽🤟🏽🤟🏽🤟🏽🤟🏽

      you too bb

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    Thank you for checking in. I’ve been thinking about you.

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      hey of course. thank you for thinking of me. i always feel so bad because i want to reciprocate the care and attention you have given me. please know that i am grateful. and if you want to talk ever, drop me a line here and i will be there.

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well hey….more people know. lmao. put yr $ where ur mouth isget involved. read, shit.anything.

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didnt care about using audio of jonestown by kpop person then i saw the apology.. i think people know how i feel about south korea and non black people’s obsession with black thought and labor. 70% of jonestown was intentionally black. i dont care if he feels bad and i don’t care if people care that i don’t care. fuck celebrities, fuck kpop, fuck the rich, fuck the ruling class, and frankly south korea needs to get their fucking shit together.

i am glad the precinct was burned, i am glad the corporations are gone, i am glad the daughters of the confederacy is gone. i can’t wait to see more statues praising my people’s death to be decimated. but i am fucking angry it’s here. i am enraged, actually, that i have to hear this shit when it’s 4 black people being murdered in less than 2 days.

fuck the police and fuck antiblackness fuck capitalism fuck the pig fuck imperialism fuck the ruling class fuck patriarchy fuck all of it. if the feds see it? fuck you and you and you and you and you and you

i am absolutely not doing well but i am safe and i WILL be okay. if you have the money please find a grassroots org to donate to. look at @blkwomenradicals @surviveandpunish @bailfundnetwork, find some trusty RADICAL (not neolib liberal or whatever fuck u can even start at jacobin mag) rad people to read via those twitters. learn and fight the way you can.

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    Even if you’re not well I hope you stay safe Amara.

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      ty bb. im not going out to any protesting or anything. i want to but i cant bc my parents are immunocompromised. kinda feel useless but i know im being safe. a lot of ppl i know really holding it down. idek. tbh the two days ago i had a breakdown but im much better! hope you and yyourss are healthy

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    I’m thankful you’re safe.

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      i am, thank you. and are you? hope mentally this isn’t too much.

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        I’m doing all right and hoping that change is actually coming.

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          angela davis said she’s never seen this before and honestly. i think that if nothing else this year has changed the world for the better. struggle will come, but wow.

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    Comment was deleted

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      omg wat

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        Ugh, I never came back like I meant to, and my only excuse was I hadn’t slept for a couple days because I was glued to the television, and the sound of helicopters and sirens, and all the horror of that murderer living only a few miles from my home still makes me want to scream at those in power that have entrenched the systems which allow police officers to commit murder and other crimes with impunity.

        Anyways, I deleted my comment because I was centering my anger and fear inappropriately which is wrong. As a white woman to answer you the way I originally did was insensitive and stupid and I should know better.

        I hope you are doing better. It’s hard to not be able to go out on the street and physically protest and while I can’t do that either, I have been donating money left and right to big organizations, medium ones, and to individuals who are buying supplies and driving them to neighborhoods where essential services and stores have been suspended or destroyed.

        Now that all four officers have been charged and jailed I do have some small (really small) hope that maybe justice will happen in this case, but the actions against protesters here and across the country are beyond horrifying, and it’s time we dismantle this machine. Long past time.

        You stay safe. Stay well. And if you want to talk/rant/yell at me just give a holler with a tag. And if you want to join the discord group, just say the word.

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          ohhh ok. o fuck, you’re from that area, right?

          i am sorry. i’m literally…all i can do is cry. thank you for donating and caring. and for thinking of me in your response. it means a lot. i am trying to think this is possible. i know i can’t die, but all i can do is rip my hair out. every black content creator on youtube or creative on twitter like outside of my activist sphere. seeing them in pain. i feel. i know we are connected via our trauma, i’m proud of being a black american woman, but i don’t want this anymore. my mom was born in 57 and she is assuring me things will get better. that thegood outweighs the bad. i know she has lived through hell, but i’m so scared. i am so tired of this.

          it does help to know that non black people care and that we are coming together. that multiracial working power, the understanding and love of community, so many more people have lost their lives since the 25th, all sorts of them, but many still black. you know, i am so…fucking glad that we are talking about abolition and the first step of defunding. i don’t know about you, but did you ever think this would be here?

          still, i feel like my bones are being crushed. sometimes the tears are of pain, sometimes of pride for our comrades and people who carelike you, and sometimes just crying for my people but also humanity. i love this earth so much, i just don’t understand it.

          one day i would love to join you guys.i feel like i’m just a buzzkill tbh. i dont know. i really. man. but thank you for your reply, and thank you for being sensitive, and thank you for doing what you can too. all the best to you and your family.

          i am hoping so badly that in a year, maybe the day of June 6 2021, we can look at this and say wow we lived through it. there’s a general strike on juneteenth, that’s pretty cool. it’s gonna be okay. the way we have taken care of this virus until the first murder we heard of. man. yea. since 2014, i hve been on this journey.i know there will be more. it’s ok. i’m going in circles. but it means alot. i dont have the capacity to always check on people and reply but i hope you feel how grateful i am.

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my mom says im a cat cos i come out when i want attention then retreat. she\’s right so i wonder if they, too, have adhd

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ok so i talked way too much about sex work but obviously i care about it….i forgot to mention that it doesnt exist in a vacuum and that prison abolition is part of the work we have to do to protect people, abolish work, and make sure our black trans sex work sisters are seen and heard. there was this girl at this organizing training i went to that helps unionize black trans sex workers. i have to remember to put others feelings before myself but bodies are not commodity. all i want is ownership of myself fully and i want others to own themselves fully. this is going to be a lifelong project. i am also shedding my own ideas about myself and what i went through when i was a teenager to now and viewing my body, sex, and men, and how destructive messaging can be. also how fucking obsessed people are with teen purity yet hypersexuality. that seeps into womanhood. that\’s why men are banned from fucking.

girl that has nothing to do with the post now but 2gether (thai BL series) ended with a high five and i still find that so fucking funny. i wanna say half of it was probably cos covid, cos they were filming the show still, but a high five? i didn\’t watch the last ep but i genuinely think it\’s one of the better (best?) BL shows ive seen. because i do not take that genre seriously nor has it ever asked me to (also thinking abt BL and capital and sexuality and it\’s kinda sad.)

there are some really amazing global filmmakers, that includes thailand!!!!!, and there\’s a very popular gay auteur from there who makes experimental longform about thailand, society, his homosexuality/homosexual and his feelings towards the way the society is going (not good. thailand has FAAAAASCINATINGGGGG history) what i would like to see is these actors actualyl striving towards a life to expand their artistic skills. i saw promise in one of the boys in particular, though idk if thats wishful thinking, and i WANT TOSEE HIM GO FARTHER. im sick of seeing these men in horrible TV shows with no care for the craft like go AWAY. a whole crew slaves over this shit and you cant even do your job? also it is fucking insane that kissing is something actors esp in BL cannot commit to. you\’re an actor. i have had the displeasure of watching people roll around making out and almost dry humping for this stupid medium and that was for an indie short. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING for your job like ONE HUMAN KISS AS A TREAT? (but not too much which is why WHY R U was messy cos they were fucking all the time and i was like bitch if i wanna watch gay porn, which i do not, i would…)

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very introspective today. questions such as: what is it like to go outside and see people?

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might eff arnd and watch oh my baby since i am not doing anything lmao

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    pssst, Extracurricular

    watch that

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      lmaoooo idt i can handle it rn! there’s a discussion about sex work here tho that i think is interesting…so i might rewatch stranger lMAO

      i take it u enjoyed it ? it looks gritty and cool im just not cool

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        It is gritty and cool, and it also manages to not fetishize the violence the young sex workers endure, which is refreshing. I still have a few episodes to go, but so far I’m impressed that the drama has neither turned the circumstances that lead the girls to doing sex into tragedy porn, nor has it made them oversexed femme fatale lolitas. There’s a lot going on, but none of it feels like filler at all.

        also, who told you that you aren’t cool? They’re wrong.

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          i am excited to explore that. maybe there is stuff i also need to really see to understand the context and how heavy it is. i am pro sex worker but anti sex work and it is very difficult for me to see (como se dice…trauma) young women/teens be trapped into this cycle especially in a more sexually conservative society (so the work will manifest differently.) the burning sun case really fucking triggered me though so i think i’m especially sensitive to korean women going through that right now.

          everyone has said it’s really really good and i trust you all! i want to make sure i do it because i want to enjoy it! i have been realizing i find watching things anxiety inducing and a chore bc i am obsessed with knowing everything so i can look cool so that’s the only reason why u think i am.

          just kidding we’re all cool 🙂

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          how are you and your fam? you and your husband doin ok? he’s alive right?

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            My family is doing fine. Mr Egads is still alive, I have not murdered him yet, though it appears that work from home will continue for months as his office was one of those trendy “open” floor plan ones that was supposed to spur creativity, but no one told the architects that engineers are introverts and hate constant peopling, and now it’s the worst kind of worst space during a pandemic. Anyways, I haven’t killed him (yet), but I’ll let you know if I need help hiding the body.

            You doing okay?

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sooo i attemptedto watch MODC but honestly it\’s gross. that dude is hot as helll tho.

2gether is over. i am avoiding the last ep i feel how i feel about mainstream media and esp like transgressive work but these bitches rly just high fived at the finale. two dudes sitting five feet apart etc

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    You saved yourself, MODC is gross.

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      after i read yr post i was like “do i rly wanna do this” but i wasnt sober so w/e but i got to one of their “sex scenes” and it was soooooooo visually, physically, emotionally GROSS

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        Yeah both relationships are awful. And that ending is gobsmacking.

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          i honestly still cant believe they did that. and apparently (idk if i believe this btw) they had this planned from the beginning? i am also curious how it has worse production value than trapped bc i was under the impression they had more money. hennyways

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          It’s very very very bad in all the baddest of ways, and I’m glad you are no longer watching.

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    I cant say for sure but I think their was more skinship at the beginning of 2gether? So I’m wondering if it decreased as Covid increased at least in regards to kissing. But idk.

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      Yeah I was just talking about the 2gether finale. I’m trying not to comment on the show because I don’t like it and a lot of people really really do. But I did notice the lack of skinship in the show and I also assumed it was due to Covid. But also as far as I’m aware these two also never had sex despite living together and also broke up and got back together for literally no reason. Not the best show, honestly.

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omg ok so advice/ur thoughts (this is personal but having to do with a friend. background: friend of mine from when i worked at storborks, A, he is trans + black, has a cis male black partner, B, currently they moved out of state and into a house w/ 2 dogs. all further players go via C, D, etc)

so my friend A moved in with B in another state. A thot he was in love with B bc dickmatized. A no longer in love with B and B is an asshole. B wouldn\’t call him by his pronouns (A stopped hormones etc in the move bc america is trash and healthcare) and would ask A if he was a lesbian, stupid shit like that. B wants to start a family, B is basically garbage and homophobic (??? WHICH?) and A doesnt want that.

A has some stuff going on he hasnt told me yet but that rly messed him up for a bit. partially A crashed his car he leased. A has always been an Online person but in a weird way…A met B on cr*igslit (DONT ASK) and talks to people on gaia (idk what that is) and reddit and shit. A likes games.

so A talks to ppl a lot cos u know entertainment, he meets various ppl. he was telling me that he\’s over B and needs to move out and told me all the issues (and sent me some voice messages and I had B and didn\’t know A was going through this shit ~_~)

now A is talking to C, who is an austrlian person? no idea their race they just go by they/them. C sent them this long ass message and i was like THIS IS WEIRDDDD but A is a fucking mess and now he\’s like \”i\’m in love with C, we been talking for 2 weeks, we talk like 16 hrs + on skype or whatever and play games\” and EYE am like \”ARE YOU STUPDI\” he was talking to me about it and i was like ill accept whatever but im not lying this is ridiculous and ur hurting urself. there\’s some stuff missing btu A still lives with B (u cant rly do much in the middle of this anyway right) and his bf, B, asked if he was emotionally involved w someone else. A lied.

i am like bitch this is dumb as hell aprticularly to an australian jawn u have been talking to for TWO WEEKS and ur already letting them send u messages like \”i love you so much\” i was like this is a mess. A said that he knows but theyre both crazy so it\’s ok. i said ur out of ur motherfucking mind….

does this or does this not sound dumb as hell

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    This feels like a maths problem and I suck at maths. Also is this Australian actually in Australia because we are very far away and nobody is going anywhere soon.

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      HAHAHAH SORRY

      and well my friend was liek “id legit get on a plane to meet them” and i was like “well u fucking cant so?” middle in the nowhere place!!!!! from the east coast!

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        “From the East Coast” just described about 80% of our population so I can’t help really. They could be anywhere in a 3000km radius. Also I want to tell A to go sit by themselves for a while and learn to be happy alone.

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          tyvm and ya i actually relayed that LOL. bnot gonna change anytime soon but at least we tried !

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    poor A sounds like he needs a break and needs his own space to figure things out. i hope things look up for him soon!

    but i would also recommend to not make any life changing decisions based on a connection that is 2 weeks old?

    i think its cute theyre connecting so quickly and i get theres adrenaline and first-weeks-of-a-new-crush-high energy but also even if gaming together for 24/7 for a few weeks they cant really know eachother that well…

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      yes i agree! and i totally get you about falling in love and stuff but the reason i’m wary besides the fact that we literally cannot go outside is bc this is how he fell in love the first time. so im like NOT AGAIN?? it’s so easy to lean into this you know? but yea sigh

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i honestly am trash rn i cant help it tho

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this kid frommodc is soooo thin this is nuts

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oh i for sure do need to watch 365 repeat year cos weird shows like that are my shit (well i hope it\’s weird)

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the ending of MODC is so fucked up i lMAOOOOO

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    So fucked up.

    Egads and I rewrote it so that Xi Gu faked his death with the help of his Aunt and ran far far away. He’s now happy, well fed, in a healthy relationship and is busy planning how to get Phoebe out too.

    The alternative is that this is the story of an emaciated orphan kid who spent his whole life dragging himself out of poverty through sheer hard work and perseverance who then gets killed – off screen – for the character arc of a bully who harassed him into a relationship.

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damn i cant watch shit lately lmao . no dramas, too lazy for whoel films, can barely write. there\’s no dramas that i think i can stomach rn lmao

i didn\’t know extracurricular would have a high schooler being exploited like that. my brain cant put it together lol. i am attempting to watch snippets of MODC lmaoooo cos im not finna watch the whole ANYTHING of this shit

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    What do you think of MODC? I hated it and wrote a blog post slamming it
    http://invisibledragon.home.blog/2019/11/21/hot-guys-getting-it-on-history3-make-our-days-count/

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      im literally just skipping to the couple parts. i avoided it cos the second couple i was like fuck no. but im high and bored. gonna read this while i go thru it!

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      oh wow ok so just finished reading and lmao i agree…did you finish it? cos…

      i didnt like h2 but that was what an hour long? maybe? and it was just as fucking weird as that other one that season but it was…intense. this show is how many episodes i really couldnt get over this high schooler with this “university student” it’s fucking weiiiiRRRRDDDDD also i didnt know the sex scenes were outta pocket…yikes

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      im reading your comments and im like i DONT THINK I CAN WATCH THIS im so ccreeped out

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i have slowly been tackling my list of things to do (slow..ly…) i have sm responsibility i can take but dont want but need. ive been painting/drawing/illustrating i can share some stuff mb

also i just worked out but i havent showered in a week and i smell awful so lemme do that rn dnt judge me im SAD

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guys in countries that have this kinda under control: what\’s it like to be outside? we dont have that luxury here. luckily, white people will still do it. unfortunately uhhhhhhhhh we can get arrested or sick so.

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    When I saw that crowd of a few thousand Trump supporters protesting in Sacramento ( I think) all I could think was if that was a crowd of black and brown people they would have been arrested or worse.

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