PLEASE READ BEFORE READING THE ESSAY:
This essay is not a personal attack against anyone who is a fangirl on this website, nor is it designed to make anyone feel guilty about being a fangirl or liking this show.
However I have some very strong personal criticisms about fangirling overall and how it was handled in this show and I wish to share them.
This essay is designed to express these criticisms, not hang anyone out to dry; I have been and still am to some extent, a fangirl. This website is for, in short, fangirling about dramas.
But some of what Iโm sharing is may not be nice or easy. I encourage you to form your own views on the matter.
1.โSic writes an essay discussing all the reasons why the kind of love portrayed in Her Private Lyfe is unhealthy because thereโs a difference between obsession and supporting, infatuation and love, fangirling and having a mature, selfless relationship.โ
PD Hong Jong Chan said in an interview โThis is a story about a person who fangirls over idols, and two men who fanboy over the fangirl. I myself wasnโt very familiar with the concept of a fangirl, and I used to think that such a concept was far from the real world that we live in. However, while preparing for the drama, I realized that this could be a story about all of us. Itโs about people who live passionately by loving and cheering passionately for someone else.โ
โI wanted to deliver a bright and warm story. โHer Private Lifeโ tells the real story of Sung Duk Mi, a person who did not achieve her dream but continues to live. Being a fan of someone gave her a purpose to live passionately. This is more realistic than a story about a person who achieves a dream of โbecoming successful.โ
Whilst I appreciate his sentiment, and his attempt as using fangirling as a metaphor to symbolise love, success and passion, and living, I think the PD chose the wrong metaphor.
The PD himself admits that he is not familiar with the concept of a fangirl. This much is obvious, for if he was perhaps he would understand better the unhealthy, toxic side of fandom, instead of trying to play off sometimes very unhealthy and creepy fangirling, as a metaphor for love.
It was also a metaphor for living passionately, and cheering passionately for other people, and for the success found in that. But it was ultimately, what it came across as the most in the show, a metaphor for love.
Unsurprisingly, I have a lot of issues with this.
At the very beginning of Her Private Life, Deok Mi is willing to spend all her savings on her favourite K-Pop idol.
Deok Mi broke her arm at a K-Pop concert, because of I assume, mosh pitting, but what is implied is that it was because of intensive fangirling.
Some fans of Cha Shi Ahn physically assault Deok Mi because they think she is dating him, and she lets them off with barely even a warning.
One girl upon finding out that Cha Shi Ahn might be dating, throws herself in front of a car.
There are several instances of stalking, and we see multiple levels of Deok Mi and Seon Jooโs obsession with fangirling, relatable, tolerable and bad.
It is even mentioned at one point that fangirls are not made, they are born. This is attempted to be explained by the fact that Deok Miโs parents are both also obsessively into something, making or collecting (which turns out to be a coping mechanism, but obsession and coping mechanisms is probably an essay for another time.) Is this seemingly a justification for some or any of these actions? โI canโt help it I was born a fangirl?โ
This show has plenty of examples of less than healthy fangirling all within the first four episodes.
Less than healthy fangirling which happens in real life, to this extent and worse, to real life K-Pop stars, and in fact all celebrities, but K-Pop specifically since this is the kind of fangirling given the most attention in the show. None of these examples are particularly shocking to anyone who knows a little bit about K-Pop and its fans.
However this show also never addresses these examples as being issues. As being unhealthy in any way at all. It does not explore that. It uses them mostly as a gag, and then uses not these examples in particular but the act of fangirling overall as a metaphor.
I thought it might use these examples to develop Deok Miโs character at a later date and point out where fangirling can be a bad thing.
Because it can.
I have a lot of strong feelings about the K-Pop industry as a whole that I will try not get too into here, but the fact that this show focuses on an idol, and HOW it focuses on that idol is important, and therefore K-Pop is important.
K-Pop is, by my definition, a sub cultural marketing phenomenon. What K-Pop does, is sell you K-Pop idols. Not just the experience or the entertainment, or the music, but the person. It is built around the concept of obsession. It is built to make you fall in love, or in lust, with an idol, their image, their music, their personality. It is an image based marketing scheme. You can argue that itโs not all about the looks all you want, but at the end of the day, K-Pop is trying to sell you its idols, it tells you to spend all your money on your idol, and it works. It preys on the idea of love through infatuation, even going to the extent of encouraging the idea that the fans are the idolโs girlfriends, and the idol group, your boyfriend.
You may not enjoy K-Pop this way, and thatโs great, very good actually, I applaud you, but it does do this, and because of this, many, many fans now from all around the world as well as Korea harbour delusional, obsessive fantasies about their idols. Fangirling is a spectrum, and many people will not fall on this end of the scale, but there are plenty that do. Saesangs would be at the very end of this spectrum, but before that you still get fans so singularly focused and obsessed with their idol that it creates very unhealthy behaviour.
And the line between passion, as the director was aiming for, and obsession becomes blurred.
2/
Extreme obsession can actually be both โselflessโ and โselfishโ, I think.
โSelflessโ obsession means you give away everything for something or someone else that gives nothing back. An expectation arises that you MUST give and only give to this other person, to the point where it becomes detrimental to your own wellbeing. (@egads).
An example of this is actually how Deok Mi was willing to pay $30 000 dollars on a present for her idol. She didnโt, and it was played as a gag, but there are fans out there who do that and more, just so that their idol hasโฆ stuff. So that their idol is โsupportedโ, and knows how much their fans โloveโ them.
There is a line where something stops being a hobby, entertainment, or a supporting of an artist. I would draw this line earlier than most, but definitely at oh I donโt knowโฆ buying your K-Pop idol a star, a building, or land in China they donโt need, donโt want and probably donโt care about. I draw the line at being so obsessed you forget about your own health. This would, to me be comparable to an abusive relationship, where one side of the relationship is only giving and at an expectation, and one side only receiving at an expectation.
โSelfishโ obsession is when you obsess over something because it makes YOU feel better. You invest in it only for your own gain, whether that is emotional or otherwise.
Itโs pleasure seeking. But whatโs wrong with a little entertainment, a little self-pleasure now and then? Itโs harmless right? I can do what I want, right? Sure, depending on your worldview, to a certain extent yes.
But do you know what else kpop does? It promotes ownership and the objectification of idols, both male and female, through sexualizing them.
I have seen obsession gear into this territory. Fans think they are entitled to treating idols, or celebrities like objects, meaning they can get away with anything. Groping them in the airport, controlling who and how they date, shouting for them to take off clothing during performances, stalking themโฆ and more.
Now, K-Pop is not innocent, I know. It promotes the sexualisation of both sexes, and some idols seem to enjoy it and some idols seem to not give a shit either way. Fine. But that doesnโt excuse obsessive objectification fangirling.
Do you see the problem with fangirling now? At least where it can lead in some circumstances?
3/
The treatment of Cha Shi Ahn in particular is fascinating. Not just as an idol, but as a character. He is, interestingly, one of the only ones that does not have a proper development. Heโs a good son, and good brother. But he also, very unfortunately, purposefully or not, fits a fairly stereotypical K-Pop idol archetype. Heโs pretty, and nice. And as an idol? Thatโs honestly about it.
A strong point of contention in K-Pop is this judgement from other fans, and from outside, that itโs only about the looks and the image. Enough artists have proved it is not, but that does not stop K-Pop using looks and image still to sell idols and groups. It is the harsh truth unfortunately, whether you like it or not. Korea is very image obsessed, very beauty obsessed, and there is a strong chance if you like K-Pop, that someone you like was chosen for their looks and no other reason.
I bring this up because the way Cha Shi Ahn is treated in this show supports this objectification idea, which as weโve seen comes from obsession.
Not only that, but several things that Deok Mi says also supports this idea, whilst also contradicting herself and the things this show is trying to say, mixing the metaphors that director was so intent on, those of love, art and fangirling, and more.
In Episode 3, Deok Mi sits with Ryan whilst they find comfort looking at a painting.
Deok Mi says that she is encouraged by the fact that a piece of art can never be a human, and thus she will always be greater than any piece of art because she is a living breathing human. I like this statement. It IS encouraging. It implies that we have worth by simply being humans and not only to I like that idea, I agree with that idea.
However in Episode 11, she also says, โFans are content to just look from a distance. No touching or holding”
“Because just looking at the person brings you happiness.โ
The first part implies that idols are pieces of artwork up on a pedestal, a wall, a distance, only ever to be admired, never touched. Because what do you do with art in a traditional gallery? You look at it from a distance, no touching or holding.
Then the rest of the statement tries to use this as a metaphor to symbolise how if youโre (romantically) in love with someone, you are fulfilled with just their presence and looking at them.
The first line contradicts her statement about how humans are better than artworks, by comparing them to artworks, and then tries to justify this by saying that love is like visual art, or a painting; the thing you love you are content just to see.
4/
Then again in episode 12 this continues.
Deok Mi uses Hyo Jinโs fangirling obsession for Cha Shi Ahn as a comparison to the appreciation for art, to help her understand why art is important;
“Would you go back to when you didn’t know [idol]?”
โOf course not. I can never forget him. He is stuck in my heart forever. Do you know how happy I am thanks to Shi Ahnโ
“Financial support is important, they can live without artโฆ
[but if they learn to] recognize the meaning of beauty their lives will become more abundant and full of happiness”
This pretty much straight up implies that Shi Ahn is like a piece of art to be appreciated.
But Shi Ahn is not a piece of art. He is a human being. A real life, human being. Therefore he is better than art and should be treated with due respect. According to Deok Mi in Episode 3.
In Episode 13 something similar happens with Joo Hyuk and Seon Joo about her husband.
Seon Joo states, โIf a man makes a girl regret ever loving him he deserves to disappear/dieโ
To which Joo Hyuk, somehow, because he read Deok Miโs mind at the orphanage apparently says, “do you want him to disappear completelyโฆ do you want to get rid of all the memories you have of him as if he never existed?”
This is a dialogue call back to Deok Mi and Hyo Jinโs conversation of course, about the appreciation for art being like that of loving and idol. However here, it ties the (romantic) love metaphor directly to that of fangirling, and therefore tying the three together; appreciating and loving a human, art, or an idol (aka fangirling), is now all the same, and is an experience that should not be forgotten but treasured.
*News flash: They are not all the same and this is a terrible use of metaphor.*
Then in the final episode (I couldโve found more quotes but honestly I only started taking notes half way through) the show tries to bring this altogether one more time, with the whole โliving passionatelyโ thing the director mentioned, with the following,
โThe room was filled with cheerful fun and happy things” (Aka pictures of your little brother…) Fill your room with things you love so you can live a happier life.”
Deok Miโs room, is filled with PICTURES and OBJECTS of Cha Shi Ahn. Of ARTWORKS of Cha Shi Ahn.
There is a difference between filling your room with say books and filling your room with a shrine to a real person you don’t know.
Cha Shi Ahn is not a person according to this symbolism, he is a thing. He is being objectified as a piece of art, appreciated like a piece of art, and then the show tries to use this as a metaphor for ROMANTIC LOVE. (Letโs not even get into the creepy, stalkerish, almost religious aspects of having every object in your house dedicated to a celebrity.)
Ryan literally says to Deok Mi in episode 10: โTeach me how to be a fanatic
You’re so charming when you fangirl
So I want to obsess over you too.โ
5/
Obsession, objectification, infatuation, lust, fangirling is not love.
Itโs not.
It is least of all mature, romantic love, like that which it is trying to represent here.
At its healthiest, and closest to โloveโ, fangirling is appreciation and respect and support for an artist one admires. And it is a way of entertainment. And I am 100% ok with this level of it.
At its most toxic, however, it is entitled infatuation, obsession and even ownership and objectification.
The mature, supporting, selfless love I mentioned originally is actually what Ryan and Deok Mi, the curator and director have in the show, all metaphors and horrible dialogue aside.
Deok Mi and Ryan put each other before themselves. Not, I repeat not, in a way that is detrimental to their personal wellbeing, as I mentioned before. That level of selflessness is not healthy (and I completely agree with you (@egads).
But thinking of other people, being aware of what they need, as well as what you need, is a kind of selflessness.
In the sense that serving someone, not out of oppression, but out of respect and honour, is selfless.
In the sense that love can be sacrificial, one willing to die for the other is therefore selfless.
6/ 2.Sic writes an essay discussing why the relationship Ryan and Deok Mi actually have on screen as played by Jae Wook and Min Young, as director and curator, is deserving and eligible of much more than the fangirling metaphor chosen to represent it and the subsequent drama surrounding it.
To reiterate: The unhealthy relationship ideas that the fangirling metaphor portrays is not the relationship that Deok Mi and Ryan actually have.
Ryan and Deok Mi, the Ryan and Deok Mi of the dates that is, of the wood-room hook ups and hand kisses and doting eyes and slow, slow kisses under fairy lights, Ryan and Deok Mi the director and the curator, who have a wonderfully mature and communicative relationship,
where they talk to each other and give each other space, and encourage each other and build each other up, are not the Ryan and Deok Mi of the Fangirling Metaphor; Deok Mi as a curator is on Ryan’s level. Deok Mi the fangirl seems too immature.
The mature romantic relationship Ryan and Deok Mi are always thinking of the other person, but not at the expense of their own selves (selfless without being self-less). Family drama and forced conflict aside (because we already knew all of this^ without the last four episodes), Deok Mi and Ryan have one of the best Kdrama relationships when you break it down like this.
But the show theyโre in?
The show theyโre in is shallow, and uneven, forcing angst where none is needed, forcing metaphors when none is needed, and that rub the wrong way.
Ryan and Deok Mi belong in a funny but thoughtful slice of life, as mature, noble and beautiful as them, not a slapstick shallow rom com about fangirling, nor a family melo about childhood trauma and needing to be โfixedโ (debatably just as problematic as the fangirling shit but I donโt know if I can be bothered going into it).
Their relationship honestly deserved a much smarter drama. Iโm sure the PD thought he was being relatable comparing being a fangirl to all number of things, but the fact of the matter is that it makes the actual maturity of Deok Mi and Ryanโs relationship seem shallow and superficial.
Wrong metaphor, dude.
7/
(Other thoughts about other things not related to my essay questions:
Iโm not going to go too in depth about the ending and itโs weird family angst, but they essentially did the same thing, it took something that honestly didnโt need any metaphor at all, or any forced background drama, or any setting other than that of the art gallery, something that had substance on its own, and turned it into a typical Kdrama trope filled joke.
The only thing I donโt think does a disservice to these twoโs acting, or the otherwise wonderfully developed relationship these two have, is the Art Gallery. There was a lot of potential to delve into art, art history, art appreciation, art interpretation, and I usually really liked these moments. I liked Deok Miโs original outlook on art vs human. I liked her interpretation of Lee Solโs paintings in comparison to Ryanโs. I even liked the stuff about overcoming art block (it probably didnโt need a childhood trauma though). I thought the setting of a gallery was really beautiful and fit the characters and the actors well.
I thought most of the rest of the drama surrounding didnโt hit home for me personally at best, detracted from and clashed with the core of the relationship often, and was completely unnecessary at worst.
Eun Gi for example. I liked when he talked about why heโd never been curious about his dad. I liked his relationship with the girls as brother type figure. I liked him with the children. I liked that him and Deok Mi were able to be friends at the end. I didnโt think him liking her was necessary, especially not the macho posing and possessiveness that they also made him portray, not as a sibling, but as a romantic rival.
I didnโt think most of the family angst was necessary or even made a lot of sense; a lot of it was forced conflict masquerading as character development. I did however appreciate the focus on mothers. Too bad that also was tainted for me, with some bad writing decisions, like almost everything else good about this drama.
I did however like Hyo Jinโs arc. It also did not actually ever develop the issues with fangirling, but it did develop her as a person very well, it gave her character outside of her fangirling, she went from intrusive and annoying to hardworking, and respectful.)
thanks for the popcorn. ๐
Read everything, partially agree. Many things bothered me a lot less while watching (probably I was too distracted by the cute) but rationally I get your point of view .
About fangirling: the show did at least cover the full spectrum from the happy-giddy friendly community aspect of it (think all of us here on db) to the negative (DM’s insecurities about dating, how it takes over her life, even the fact that she feels the need to hide that side of herself from people is textbook addiction symptom) and the clearly pathological (the throwing of eggs, the jumping in front of SA’s car, Cindy’s stalking etc). But I don’t need the show to spell out that this is a spectrum, I can judge that for myself. I wish SA’s character would have been developed more and I am still sad that we did not get him and Ryan hang out as brothers properly. But at least the side characters had a memorable presence. EG’s arc was badly written (and acted) so that did not work for me at all. There are hints of what could have been in the scene with can’t help too busy playing on my phone or the three friends together, but that was handled badly.
About art: I found almost all the discussion around it arguing for the relativity of perception. beauty/meaning/worth in the eye of the beholder. What DM and Ryan give to each other is new ways to look at the world. And i really like that.
I fully agree that the parallel fangirl=love did not work precisely because the romance between DM and Ryan was so much more than that. But because of them I am willing to forgive the rest. Still plan to remember this show fondly because of them.
(Btw, I am still in the high tower fasting for the overlord. My knight in shining armour used the magic portal that it google to find the melonic potion. Hunting for it tomorrow!)
First off, Iโm a fangirl. Not proud nor ashamed to be one, but I am. And I do believe some fangirling runs in the blood. My mom, while never had the means or luxury to pursue a fangirl life, itโs obvious she had her โidolsโ back in her youth, and never made me feel that being a fangirl is a bad thing. My mom even met my โidolโ (loosely using this because idol in Korea has a different meaning than idol in Hong Kong) in person when he toured the States.
My jump from HK drama to Kdrama subsequently shifted me from Cantopop to Kpop, slightly. I was in complete culture shock about what Kpop entails, no less than my fellow New Yorker Ryan Gold. It is very different from any other countryโs fan culture. Yet we NYers can embrace almost any differences (most of us at least), I was also very open minded to learn about the kpop fangirl world. It added a lot of spark to my boring office job when I tried to figure out how to join fancafes and interact with fans online. Iโve even traveled to other countries to support my guy(s). Being consciously delulu is also part of the fun. But certainly, I would never call this love. It doesnโt replace dating. It shouldnโt even be compared to real life relationships, like this drama kept trying to convince us.
I mostly agree that an idol package (looks, music, personality) is art. Itโs performing art. Even when the idols arenโt on stage or in front of a camera, itโs still performance. No, they do not act in private like the way they act in front of fans or colleagues. Those vlives are just another stage. Their public persona is carefully chiseled and sanded to please the eyes of paying consumers. What I really expected and hoped this drama would do when I started watching, was poke fun at the idol-fangirl dynamic with realistic basis. After seeing how DM reacted to Si An on their first meeting, I was so ready for her to see an unexpectedly beautiful asshole!
I know that Kpop can be toxic (part of that toxicity actually draws me in, donโt ask why) and actually hoped they call out some of the crazy shit. Yet like @sicarius puts it, it was more for gags. How can they dismiss physical assault so easily with fangirl empathy? Hell no! When you show that in a drama, Iโm thinking this PD/writer has no backbone and is afraid to insult fans. And lastly they go down that road of glorifying some parts of fangirling that shouldnโt be glorified and dropped all condemnation without hesitation. Saesangs like Cindy do not self consciously change for the better. They will move on to the next target.
Have more to say, but I need a popcorn refill, so Iโll be back later….
So after the initial episodes of balanced portrayal of different types of fans, they just left the negatives in the closet. Then eventually left the entire fandom on a bench. Thatโs when I lost complete interest.
I would be ok if they kept Si An a distance idol throughout the show, like how Tony was just mentioned throughout Reply 1997. Yet they made him part of the family so they should at least made him a more realistic man, not an idol persona. All the guys in Top Management felt more human than Si An. How underwhelming.
The shows trajectory was suspectedly driven by poor ratings. What started off refreshing and fun soon reduced to mere fan service. Not complaining about having abundant sexually charged scenes but it was apparent that kiss scenes was their only leverage on ratings and buzz. These scenes got longer and other parts and characters got cut down. So much that I felt nothing was going on for weeks.
After all the pure fluffy fan service, they end it the worst way possible … making up last minute stuff to remind us the MLs can cry and our great veterans actor parents had a point in this drama.
Bye Show👋🏻. Letโs pretend we donโt know each other next time.
I think I was gonna say something else in reply to this this morning but I forgot.
Re. the kiss scenes though- I started to ffwd them at the end. That’s… how much impact they didn’t have on me also.
I didn’t watch the show because I didn’t think the topic(fangirling) would interest me.
On this subject of fangirling, I can’t say I am very familiar with it except being shocked when I read of the extent fans go to in the name of fangirling. I’m not into Kpop, only kdramas. I do strongly detest shows which are mostly fanservice garbage and actors who milked the most from their fans.
I would call myself a fangirl, unashamed for the most part. Before Korean entertainment I used the phrase to describe my feelings to Jane Austen and Charles Dickens, celebrities that I wanted to celebrate at all opportunities ~
I hide my feelings for kpop the same way I hide my feelings for my favorite authors ~ I donโt lie about it, or feel shame, but acknowledge that it is just a part of my life that is not appropriate to talk to everyone about. I bored people to tears as a kid since I talked LM Montgomery whenever I opened my mouth, so obsession and nerdiness ( for the sake of polite social interaction) are ignored in favor of discussing the weather. And I suspect this behavior is true of many fans.
HPL didnโt show us this, instead focusing on, not just extremes of behavior, but shame that makes the audience believe that DM does know on some level how problematic her fangirling is.
Re: objectification, SJ (one of my favorite badass best friends in dramaland) totally objectifies her part timer on an uncomfortable (to me) level once she sees him on stage. Sure, there are scenes where she drops the camera and talks normally again, but for the most part he becomes a piece of art for her to gaze at and market to others.
All this to say, fangirling can be just a normal hobby/interest for someone (same way as someone can be really into a sports team (though that obsession too can turn problematic)), and I wish we had seen more of that. Itโs a part of someone you get to know as you grow closer, like their way too competitive board game playing, or how theyโve seen EVERY episode of Law and Order, or know the lyrics to every Top 40 pop song.
Anyways, this was a long way of saying I agree with your analysis of the problematic fangirling displayed in this show, and that it didnโt fit with the maturity DM and Lion displayed in the rest of their lives.
I mean, it might not be as sensational, but I would totally watch the heck out of a show about actual, average fans balancing work, families, and fangirling
As someone who also can’t shut up about her interests if you get me started, I relate haha.
I think the hobbyist, interest level “fangirl” is far more natural, and probably even more relatable, especially if it was done with respect and appreciation for the artists involved like I talked about briefly.
Alas they did not take that route.
Okay, so itโs another I want to rewrite… but now my problem is that if we are going for realistic/relatable, Ryan Gold will need recast with someone not so earth shatteringly pretty…
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:14 AM
Her Private Lyfe Final Essay
PLEASE READ BEFORE READING THE ESSAY:
This essay is not a personal attack against anyone who is a fangirl on this website, nor is it designed to make anyone feel guilty about being a fangirl or liking this show.
However I have some very strong personal criticisms about fangirling overall and how it was handled in this show and I wish to share them.
This essay is designed to express these criticisms, not hang anyone out to dry; I have been and still am to some extent, a fangirl. This website is for, in short, fangirling about dramas.
But some of what Iโm sharing is may not be nice or easy. I encourage you to form your own views on the matter.
Google Doc if you donโt like reading it on here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jO0iPLsZcg-e51syBZpD9rbyvk188MwNQ3Mm_TgmxeY/edit?usp=sharing
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1/
1.โSic writes an essay discussing all the reasons why the kind of love portrayed in Her Private Lyfe is unhealthy because thereโs a difference between obsession and supporting, infatuation and love, fangirling and having a mature, selfless relationship.โ
PD Hong Jong Chan said in an interview
โThis is a story about a person who fangirls over idols, and two men who fanboy over the fangirl. I myself wasnโt very familiar with the concept of a fangirl, and I used to think that such a concept was far from the real world that we live in. However, while preparing for the drama, I realized that this could be a story about all of us. Itโs about people who live passionately by loving and cheering passionately for someone else.โ
โI wanted to deliver a bright and warm story. โHer Private Lifeโ tells the real story of Sung Duk Mi, a person who did not achieve her dream but continues to live. Being a fan of someone gave her a purpose to live passionately. This is more realistic than a story about a person who achieves a dream of โbecoming successful.โ
Whilst I appreciate his sentiment, and his attempt as using fangirling as a metaphor to symbolise love, success and passion, and living, I think the PD chose the wrong metaphor.
The PD himself admits that he is not familiar with the concept of a fangirl. This much is obvious, for if he was perhaps he would understand better the unhealthy, toxic side of fandom, instead of trying to play off sometimes very unhealthy and creepy fangirling, as a metaphor for love.
It was also a metaphor for living passionately, and cheering passionately for other people, and for the success found in that. But it was ultimately, what it came across as the most in the show, a metaphor for love.
Unsurprisingly, I have a lot of issues with this.
At the very beginning of Her Private Life, Deok Mi is willing to spend all her savings on her favourite K-Pop idol.
Deok Mi broke her arm at a K-Pop concert, because of I assume, mosh pitting, but what is implied is that it was because of intensive fangirling.
Some fans of Cha Shi Ahn physically assault Deok Mi because they think she is dating him, and she lets them off with barely even a warning.
One girl upon finding out that Cha Shi Ahn might be dating, throws herself in front of a car.
There are several instances of stalking, and we see multiple levels of Deok Mi and Seon Jooโs obsession with fangirling, relatable, tolerable and bad.
It is even mentioned at one point that fangirls are not made, they are born. This is attempted to be explained by the fact that Deok Miโs parents are both also obsessively into something, making or collecting (which turns out to be a coping mechanism, but obsession and coping mechanisms is probably an essay for another time.) Is this seemingly a justification for some or any of these actions? โI canโt help it I was born a fangirl?โ
This show has plenty of examples of less than healthy fangirling all within the first four episodes.
Less than healthy fangirling which happens in real life, to this extent and worse, to real life K-Pop stars, and in fact all celebrities, but K-Pop specifically since this is the kind of fangirling given the most attention in the show. None of these examples are particularly shocking to anyone who knows a little bit about K-Pop and its fans.
However this show also never addresses these examples as being issues. As being unhealthy in any way at all. It does not explore that. It uses them mostly as a gag, and then uses not these examples in particular but the act of fangirling overall as a metaphor.
I thought it might use these examples to develop Deok Miโs character at a later date and point out where fangirling can be a bad thing.
Because it can.
I have a lot of strong feelings about the K-Pop industry as a whole that I will try not get too into here, but the fact that this show focuses on an idol, and HOW it focuses on that idol is important, and therefore K-Pop is important.
K-Pop is, by my definition, a sub cultural marketing phenomenon. What K-Pop does, is sell you K-Pop idols. Not just the experience or the entertainment, or the music, but the person. It is built around the concept of obsession. It is built to make you fall in love, or in lust, with an idol, their image, their music, their personality. It is an image based marketing scheme. You can argue that itโs not all about the looks all you want, but at the end of the day, K-Pop is trying to sell you its idols, it tells you to spend all your money on your idol, and it works. It preys on the idea of love through infatuation, even going to the extent of encouraging the idea that the fans are the idolโs girlfriends, and the idol group, your boyfriend.
You may not enjoy K-Pop this way, and thatโs great, very good actually, I applaud you, but it does do this, and because of this, many, many fans now from all around the world as well as Korea harbour delusional, obsessive fantasies about their idols. Fangirling is a spectrum, and many people will not fall on this end of the scale, but there are plenty that do. Saesangs would be at the very end of this spectrum, but before that you still get fans so singularly focused and obsessed with their idol that it creates very unhealthy behaviour.
And the line between passion, as the director was aiming for, and obsession becomes blurred.
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:14 AM
2/
Extreme obsession can actually be both โselflessโ and โselfishโ, I think.
โSelflessโ obsession means you give away everything for something or someone else that gives nothing back. An expectation arises that you MUST give and only give to this other person, to the point where it becomes detrimental to your own wellbeing. (@egads).
An example of this is actually how Deok Mi was willing to pay $30 000 dollars on a present for her idol. She didnโt, and it was played as a gag, but there are fans out there who do that and more, just so that their idol hasโฆ stuff. So that their idol is โsupportedโ, and knows how much their fans โloveโ them.
There is a line where something stops being a hobby, entertainment, or a supporting of an artist. I would draw this line earlier than most, but definitely at oh I donโt knowโฆ buying your K-Pop idol a star, a building, or land in China they donโt need, donโt want and probably donโt care about. I draw the line at being so obsessed you forget about your own health. This would, to me be comparable to an abusive relationship, where one side of the relationship is only giving and at an expectation, and one side only receiving at an expectation.
โSelfishโ obsession is when you obsess over something because it makes YOU feel better. You invest in it only for your own gain, whether that is emotional or otherwise.
Itโs pleasure seeking. But whatโs wrong with a little entertainment, a little self-pleasure now and then? Itโs harmless right? I can do what I want, right? Sure, depending on your worldview, to a certain extent yes.
But do you know what else kpop does? It promotes ownership and the objectification of idols, both male and female, through sexualizing them.
I have seen obsession gear into this territory. Fans think they are entitled to treating idols, or celebrities like objects, meaning they can get away with anything. Groping them in the airport, controlling who and how they date, shouting for them to take off clothing during performances, stalking themโฆ and more.
Now, K-Pop is not innocent, I know. It promotes the sexualisation of both sexes, and some idols seem to enjoy it and some idols seem to not give a shit either way. Fine. But that doesnโt excuse obsessive objectification fangirling.
Do you see the problem with fangirling now? At least where it can lead in some circumstances?
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:14 AM
3/
The treatment of Cha Shi Ahn in particular is fascinating. Not just as an idol, but as a character. He is, interestingly, one of the only ones that does not have a proper development. Heโs a good son, and good brother. But he also, very unfortunately, purposefully or not, fits a fairly stereotypical K-Pop idol archetype. Heโs pretty, and nice. And as an idol? Thatโs honestly about it.
A strong point of contention in K-Pop is this judgement from other fans, and from outside, that itโs only about the looks and the image. Enough artists have proved it is not, but that does not stop K-Pop using looks and image still to sell idols and groups. It is the harsh truth unfortunately, whether you like it or not. Korea is very image obsessed, very beauty obsessed, and there is a strong chance if you like K-Pop, that someone you like was chosen for their looks and no other reason.
I bring this up because the way Cha Shi Ahn is treated in this show supports this objectification idea, which as weโve seen comes from obsession.
Not only that, but several things that Deok Mi says also supports this idea, whilst also contradicting herself and the things this show is trying to say, mixing the metaphors that director was so intent on, those of love, art and fangirling, and more.
In Episode 3, Deok Mi sits with Ryan whilst they find comfort looking at a painting.
Deok Mi says that she is encouraged by the fact that a piece of art can never be a human, and thus she will always be greater than any piece of art because she is a living breathing human. I like this statement. It IS encouraging. It implies that we have worth by simply being humans and not only to I like that idea, I agree with that idea.
However in Episode 11, she also says,
โFans are content to just look from a distance. No touching or holding”
“Because just looking at the person brings you happiness.โ
The first part implies that idols are pieces of artwork up on a pedestal, a wall, a distance, only ever to be admired, never touched. Because what do you do with art in a traditional gallery? You look at it from a distance, no touching or holding.
Then the rest of the statement tries to use this as a metaphor to symbolise how if youโre (romantically) in love with someone, you are fulfilled with just their presence and looking at them.
The first line contradicts her statement about how humans are better than artworks, by comparing them to artworks, and then tries to justify this by saying that love is like visual art, or a painting; the thing you love you are content just to see.
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:15 AM
4/
Then again in episode 12 this continues.
Deok Mi uses Hyo Jinโs fangirling obsession for Cha Shi Ahn as a comparison to the appreciation for art, to help her understand why art is important;
“Would you go back to when you didn’t know [idol]?”
โOf course not. I can never forget him. He is stuck in my heart forever. Do you know how happy I am thanks to Shi Ahnโ
“Financial support is important, they can live without artโฆ
[but if they learn to] recognize the meaning of beauty their lives will become more abundant and full of happiness”
This pretty much straight up implies that Shi Ahn is like a piece of art to be appreciated.
But Shi Ahn is not a piece of art. He is a human being. A real life, human being. Therefore he is better than art and should be treated with due respect. According to Deok Mi in Episode 3.
In Episode 13 something similar happens with Joo Hyuk and Seon Joo about her husband.
Seon Joo states,
โIf a man makes a girl regret ever loving him he deserves to disappear/dieโ
To which Joo Hyuk, somehow, because he read Deok Miโs mind at the orphanage apparently says, “do you want him to disappear completelyโฆ do you want to get rid of all the memories you have of him as if he never existed?”
This is a dialogue call back to Deok Mi and Hyo Jinโs conversation of course, about the appreciation for art being like that of loving and idol. However here, it ties the (romantic) love metaphor directly to that of fangirling, and therefore tying the three together; appreciating and loving a human, art, or an idol (aka fangirling), is now all the same, and is an experience that should not be forgotten but treasured.
*News flash: They are not all the same and this is a terrible use of metaphor.*
Then in the final episode (I couldโve found more quotes but honestly I only started taking notes half way through) the show tries to bring this altogether one more time, with the whole โliving passionatelyโ thing the director mentioned, with the following,
โThe room was filled with cheerful fun and happy things” (Aka pictures of your little brother…)
Fill your room with things you love so you can live a happier life.”
Deok Miโs room, is filled with PICTURES and OBJECTS of Cha Shi Ahn. Of ARTWORKS of Cha Shi Ahn.
There is a difference between filling your room with say books and filling your room with a shrine to a real person you don’t know.
Cha Shi Ahn is not a person according to this symbolism, he is a thing. He is being objectified as a piece of art, appreciated like a piece of art, and then the show tries to use this as a metaphor for ROMANTIC LOVE. (Letโs not even get into the creepy, stalkerish, almost religious aspects of having every object in your house dedicated to a celebrity.)
Ryan literally says to Deok Mi in episode 10:
โTeach me how to be a fanatic
You’re so charming when you fangirl
So I want to obsess over you too.โ
To this show obsession = love.
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:15 AM
5/
Obsession, objectification, infatuation, lust, fangirling is not love.
Itโs not.
It is least of all mature, romantic love, like that which it is trying to represent here.
At its healthiest, and closest to โloveโ, fangirling is appreciation and respect and support for an artist one admires. And it is a way of entertainment. And I am 100% ok with this level of it.
At its most toxic, however, it is entitled infatuation, obsession and even ownership and objectification.
The mature, supporting, selfless love I mentioned originally is actually what Ryan and Deok Mi, the curator and director have in the show, all metaphors and horrible dialogue aside.
Deok Mi and Ryan put each other before themselves. Not, I repeat not, in a way that is detrimental to their personal wellbeing, as I mentioned before. That level of selflessness is not healthy (and I completely agree with you (@egads).
But thinking of other people, being aware of what they need, as well as what you need, is a kind of selflessness.
In the sense that serving someone, not out of oppression, but out of respect and honour, is selfless.
In the sense that love can be sacrificial, one willing to die for the other is therefore selfless.
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:16 AM
6/
2.Sic writes an essay discussing why the relationship Ryan and Deok Mi actually have on screen as played by Jae Wook and Min Young, as director and curator, is deserving and eligible of much more than the fangirling metaphor chosen to represent it and the subsequent drama surrounding it.
To reiterate: The unhealthy relationship ideas that the fangirling metaphor portrays is not the relationship that Deok Mi and Ryan actually have.
Ryan and Deok Mi, the Ryan and Deok Mi of the dates that is, of the wood-room hook ups and hand kisses and doting eyes and slow, slow kisses under fairy lights, Ryan and Deok Mi the director and the curator, who have a wonderfully mature and communicative relationship,
where they talk to each other and give each other space, and encourage each other and build each other up, are not the Ryan and Deok Mi of the Fangirling Metaphor; Deok Mi as a curator is on Ryan’s level. Deok Mi the fangirl seems too immature.
The mature romantic relationship Ryan and Deok Mi are always thinking of the other person, but not at the expense of their own selves (selfless without being self-less). Family drama and forced conflict aside (because we already knew all of this^ without the last four episodes), Deok Mi and Ryan have one of the best Kdrama relationships when you break it down like this.
But the show theyโre in?
The show theyโre in is shallow, and uneven, forcing angst where none is needed, forcing metaphors when none is needed, and that rub the wrong way.
Ryan and Deok Mi belong in a funny but thoughtful slice of life, as mature, noble and beautiful as them, not a slapstick shallow rom com about fangirling, nor a family melo about childhood trauma and needing to be โfixedโ (debatably just as problematic as the fangirling shit but I donโt know if I can be bothered going into it).
Their relationship honestly deserved a much smarter drama. Iโm sure the PD thought he was being relatable comparing being a fangirl to all number of things, but the fact of the matter is that it makes the actual maturity of Deok Mi and Ryanโs relationship seem shallow and superficial.
Wrong metaphor, dude.
————————————————————————————————————
FlyingTool
June 1, 2019 at 12:19 PM
โRyan and Deok Mi belong in a funny but thoughtful slice of life, as mature, noble and beautiful as themโ
Wonderfully said.
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:16 AM
7/
(Other thoughts about other things not related to my essay questions:
Iโm not going to go too in depth about the ending and itโs weird family angst, but they essentially did the same thing, it took something that honestly didnโt need any metaphor at all, or any forced background drama, or any setting other than that of the art gallery, something that had substance on its own, and turned it into a typical Kdrama trope filled joke.
The only thing I donโt think does a disservice to these twoโs acting, or the otherwise wonderfully developed relationship these two have, is the Art Gallery. There was a lot of potential to delve into art, art history, art appreciation, art interpretation, and I usually really liked these moments. I liked Deok Miโs original outlook on art vs human. I liked her interpretation of Lee Solโs paintings in comparison to Ryanโs. I even liked the stuff about overcoming art block (it probably didnโt need a childhood trauma though). I thought the setting of a gallery was really beautiful and fit the characters and the actors well.
I thought most of the rest of the drama surrounding didnโt hit home for me personally at best, detracted from and clashed with the core of the relationship often, and was completely unnecessary at worst.
Eun Gi for example. I liked when he talked about why heโd never been curious about his dad. I liked his relationship with the girls as brother type figure. I liked him with the children. I liked that him and Deok Mi were able to be friends at the end. I didnโt think him liking her was necessary, especially not the macho posing and possessiveness that they also made him portray, not as a sibling, but as a romantic rival.
I didnโt think most of the family angst was necessary or even made a lot of sense; a lot of it was forced conflict masquerading as character development. I did however appreciate the focus on mothers. Too bad that also was tainted for me, with some bad writing decisions, like almost everything else good about this drama.
I did however like Hyo Jinโs arc. It also did not actually ever develop the issues with fangirling, but it did develop her as a person very well, it gave her character outside of her fangirling, she went from intrusive and annoying to hardworking, and respectful.)
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 1, 2019 at 4:22 AM
@coffeprince4eva @egads @ndlessjoie @chasingbears @leetennant @charlieblue17 @outofthisworld @geliguolu @therevels @khalessymd @madkdr @chandler @hebang @ultramafic
you literally all asked so here. Popcorn is on the house 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿
mugyuljoie is preciousss
June 1, 2019 at 4:39 AM
Please save me a box. I’ll eat it for breakfast while I read this after a good night’s sleep.
CHARLIE
June 1, 2019 at 4:50 AM
thanks for the popcorn. ๐
Read everything, partially agree. Many things bothered me a lot less while watching (probably I was too distracted by the cute) but rationally I get your point of view .
About fangirling: the show did at least cover the full spectrum from the happy-giddy friendly community aspect of it (think all of us here on db) to the negative (DM’s insecurities about dating, how it takes over her life, even the fact that she feels the need to hide that side of herself from people is textbook addiction symptom) and the clearly pathological (the throwing of eggs, the jumping in front of SA’s car, Cindy’s stalking etc). But I don’t need the show to spell out that this is a spectrum, I can judge that for myself. I wish SA’s character would have been developed more and I am still sad that we did not get him and Ryan hang out as brothers properly. But at least the side characters had a memorable presence. EG’s arc was badly written (and acted) so that did not work for me at all. There are hints of what could have been in the scene with can’t help too busy playing on my phone or the three friends together, but that was handled badly.
About art: I found almost all the discussion around it arguing for the relativity of perception. beauty/meaning/worth in the eye of the beholder. What DM and Ryan give to each other is new ways to look at the world. And i really like that.
I fully agree that the parallel fangirl=love did not work precisely because the romance between DM and Ryan was so much more than that. But because of them I am willing to forgive the rest. Still plan to remember this show fondly because of them.
RenOIshi
June 1, 2019 at 5:02 AM
Thank you for the popcorn! I agree with everything that you said. Here was my take from the first two episodes
http://www.dramabeans.com/members/coffeprince4eva/activity/762780/
(Btw, I am still in the high tower fasting for the overlord. My knight in shining armour used the magic portal that it google to find the melonic potion. Hunting for it tomorrow!)
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 2, 2019 at 1:59 AM
(Huzzah for magic portals!!!!!)
Madkdr
June 1, 2019 at 10:06 AM
Ooh popcorn!!!
*Munch munch read munch munch read*
sph_7
June 1, 2019 at 10:18 AM
Thank you for the popcorn.🙏🏻
First off, Iโm a fangirl. Not proud nor ashamed to be one, but I am. And I do believe some fangirling runs in the blood. My mom, while never had the means or luxury to pursue a fangirl life, itโs obvious she had her โidolsโ back in her youth, and never made me feel that being a fangirl is a bad thing. My mom even met my โidolโ (loosely using this because idol in Korea has a different meaning than idol in Hong Kong) in person when he toured the States.
My jump from HK drama to Kdrama subsequently shifted me from Cantopop to Kpop, slightly. I was in complete culture shock about what Kpop entails, no less than my fellow New Yorker Ryan Gold. It is very different from any other countryโs fan culture. Yet we NYers can embrace almost any differences (most of us at least), I was also very open minded to learn about the kpop fangirl world. It added a lot of spark to my boring office job when I tried to figure out how to join fancafes and interact with fans online. Iโve even traveled to other countries to support my guy(s). Being consciously delulu is also part of the fun. But certainly, I would never call this love. It doesnโt replace dating. It shouldnโt even be compared to real life relationships, like this drama kept trying to convince us.
I mostly agree that an idol package (looks, music, personality) is art. Itโs performing art. Even when the idols arenโt on stage or in front of a camera, itโs still performance. No, they do not act in private like the way they act in front of fans or colleagues. Those vlives are just another stage. Their public persona is carefully chiseled and sanded to please the eyes of paying consumers. What I really expected and hoped this drama would do when I started watching, was poke fun at the idol-fangirl dynamic with realistic basis. After seeing how DM reacted to Si An on their first meeting, I was so ready for her to see an unexpectedly beautiful asshole!
I know that Kpop can be toxic (part of that toxicity actually draws me in, donโt ask why) and actually hoped they call out some of the crazy shit. Yet like @sicarius puts it, it was more for gags. How can they dismiss physical assault so easily with fangirl empathy? Hell no! When you show that in a drama, Iโm thinking this PD/writer has no backbone and is afraid to insult fans. And lastly they go down that road of glorifying some parts of fangirling that shouldnโt be glorified and dropped all condemnation without hesitation. Saesangs like Cindy do not self consciously change for the better. They will move on to the next target.
Have more to say, but I need a popcorn refill, so Iโll be back later….
sph_7
June 1, 2019 at 11:11 AM
Refueled…
So after the initial episodes of balanced portrayal of different types of fans, they just left the negatives in the closet. Then eventually left the entire fandom on a bench. Thatโs when I lost complete interest.
I would be ok if they kept Si An a distance idol throughout the show, like how Tony was just mentioned throughout Reply 1997. Yet they made him part of the family so they should at least made him a more realistic man, not an idol persona. All the guys in Top Management felt more human than Si An. How underwhelming.
The shows trajectory was suspectedly driven by poor ratings. What started off refreshing and fun soon reduced to mere fan service. Not complaining about having abundant sexually charged scenes but it was apparent that kiss scenes was their only leverage on ratings and buzz. These scenes got longer and other parts and characters got cut down. So much that I felt nothing was going on for weeks.
After all the pure fluffy fan service, they end it the worst way possible … making up last minute stuff to remind us the MLs can cry and our great veterans actor parents had a point in this drama.
Bye Show👋🏻. Letโs pretend we donโt know each other next time.
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 2, 2019 at 1:59 AM
I think I was gonna say something else in reply to this this morning but I forgot.
Re. the kiss scenes though- I started to ffwd them at the end. That’s… how much impact they didn’t have on me also.
outofthisworld ไธๆงๆฏๆ ๐
June 1, 2019 at 6:09 AM
I didn’t watch the show because I didn’t think the topic(fangirling) would interest me.
On this subject of fangirling, I can’t say I am very familiar with it except being shocked when I read of the extent fans go to in the name of fangirling. I’m not into Kpop, only kdramas. I do strongly detest shows which are mostly fanservice garbage and actors who milked the most from their fans.
UmbrellaMan
June 1, 2019 at 7:43 AM
A good motto to live by: anything in extreme is bad.
Cocoa, The Fake Poet of February
June 2, 2019 at 6:42 AM
I would call myself a fangirl, unashamed for the most part. Before Korean entertainment I used the phrase to describe my feelings to Jane Austen and Charles Dickens, celebrities that I wanted to celebrate at all opportunities ~
I hide my feelings for kpop the same way I hide my feelings for my favorite authors ~ I donโt lie about it, or feel shame, but acknowledge that it is just a part of my life that is not appropriate to talk to everyone about. I bored people to tears as a kid since I talked LM Montgomery whenever I opened my mouth, so obsession and nerdiness ( for the sake of polite social interaction) are ignored in favor of discussing the weather. And I suspect this behavior is true of many fans.
HPL didnโt show us this, instead focusing on, not just extremes of behavior, but shame that makes the audience believe that DM does know on some level how problematic her fangirling is.
Re: objectification, SJ (one of my favorite badass best friends in dramaland) totally objectifies her part timer on an uncomfortable (to me) level once she sees him on stage. Sure, there are scenes where she drops the camera and talks normally again, but for the most part he becomes a piece of art for her to gaze at and market to others.
All this to say, fangirling can be just a normal hobby/interest for someone (same way as someone can be really into a sports team (though that obsession too can turn problematic)), and I wish we had seen more of that. Itโs a part of someone you get to know as you grow closer, like their way too competitive board game playing, or how theyโve seen EVERY episode of Law and Order, or know the lyrics to every Top 40 pop song.
Anyways, this was a long way of saying I agree with your analysis of the problematic fangirling displayed in this show, and that it didnโt fit with the maturity DM and Lion displayed in the rest of their lives.
sph_7
June 2, 2019 at 7:58 AM
Yes, it felt like the average fan had no representation. Majority of fans do not throw themselves in front of a car because oppa starts dating.
Cocoa, The Fake Poet of February
June 2, 2019 at 3:22 PM
I mean, it might not be as sensational, but I would totally watch the heck out of a show about actual, average fans balancing work, families, and fangirling
Cocoa, The Fake Poet of February
June 2, 2019 at 3:23 PM
Though that show was Reply 1997
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 2, 2019 at 3:24 PM
Although she was debatebly a creepier fangirl… Lol. Blood pacts and breaking into Tony’s house and all…😂
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 2, 2019 at 3:02 PM
As someone who also can’t shut up about her interests if you get me started, I relate haha.
I think the hobbyist, interest level “fangirl” is far more natural, and probably even more relatable, especially if it was done with respect and appreciation for the artists involved like I talked about briefly.
Alas they did not take that route.
Thanks for your long winded agreement hahaha
Cocoa, The Fake Poet of February
June 3, 2019 at 3:08 AM
Okay, so itโs another I want to rewrite… but now my problem is that if we are going for realistic/relatable, Ryan Gold will need recast with someone not so earth shatteringly pretty…
๐๐โ Sicarius The Queen of Melonia โ ๐๐
June 4, 2019 at 12:07 AM
PFAHAHAHAHA it’s a Kdrama you can’t have non pretty people in it remember