Beanie level: Rooftop room dweller

Beanies. I just did the most grownup thing ever. I think you’d all be proud of me. I am actually not ok and haven’t been for awhile. So this morning I started the process of getting help. My first appointment is on Monday. I hate that I’m back in this place that it took decades to get out of but at least I’m trying. Or something.

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    the 1st step is admitting that you need help. and that’s extremely brave. The next is getting help. and that’s extremely brave too. Kudos to you, dear.

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    I’m so proud of you. Speaking from experience, I know how hard that first step is. But it’ll get easier from here. Not right away, necessarily, but it will. And we’ll all be here for you.

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    @isthatacorner – good for you! You know what I’ve found in my few years of life is that we are like onions that have layers. One layer gets peeled off and thrown away and we can live with it for awhile, and then we realize there is another layer that needs to be cleaned up and taken care of.
    We are all flawed, broken, struggling, loving and totally human beings. That is the basic truth of being a person.
    What sets us apart from others is how we deal with ourselves and try to become more whole.

    Personally I tend to take myself WAY too seriously at times and get upset with the world et. all. But when I realize what I’ve done, I can laugh at myself and tell the people around me who I’ve just been kind of snarky to “Well I kNOW the world revolves around me…” and it helps me to let go.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is to try not to be too hard on yourself – you are after all a human being just like the rest of us. What sets you apart for now is that you know when to ask for help. That takes a LOT of courage and strength.
    So, FIGHTING my friend!

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    I am not good with poetic words, so I will be frank and short:
    I am so, so proud of you.❤️

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    Attagirl! You’re doing right, hang in there! 💪

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    Because this is your first life, you are allowed to go back to that first square to regroup, recalibrate and start your journey towards healing all over again.

    Sometimes even when we think we’re “all healed”, life happens and we’re broken or bruised all over again. It’s ok to seek help and healing at each and any stage of your life.

    Fighting!

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    I told my manager that I’m not doing well mentally/emotionally and asked if I could take the rest of the day off as I had a really horrible panic attack and now I feel like I can’t breathe. His response? Oh, good I wanted to talk to you. I’m glad you noticed that you aren’t doing a good job. In the last few weeks I’ve had to track down 6 books that came in on hold and were shelved instead of being put with the holds!
    Let me mention. I open on Mondays by myself. On Mondays I tend to have, on average OVER 10 totes to check in, plus 5-6 totes of book drop. Plus all of the regular morning stuff, plus a program. This is what I’m expected to have done. Before anyone else gets here. And he gets attitude if it isn’t ALL finished. 6 items out of over 60 totes? Leave me alone.
    I’m confiding in you as my manager that I’m not doing ok because of various emotional issues and thus is what you tell me?
    And then he tells me that my lack of attention to detail is making work for everyone else and his goal is to groom me to take on a role in the children’s learning center where I won’t have to deal with patrons just programming and outreach.
    I don’t know why I expected different from the same man who told me to put away my emotions and do a mother’s day program.

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      Fuck that guy. I know I’ve said it before. But seriously, fuck him. You are amazing and he is a bag of poop for not seeing that. (Look, it’s Monday and I’m tired. I cannot be elegantly articulate.)

      I’m proud of you for prioritizing yourself and making sure you’re OK. You got this!

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      Grrrrrrrrr – I’m with Snarkyjellfish!!!! Fuckhimandthehorsehecameinon!!!!

      Something I learned long ago and try to remember when someone is mean and nasty to or anyone else. The bottom line is this really has nothing to do with you – if you did everything to your utmost – what he is saying says a LOT more about himself then you!

      You come first and you are GREAT!!!
      imagine all us beanies out her throwing a cup of water in his face or cleverly tripping him or something they do in dramas
      you got this – now just forget what he said – cuz it REALLY isn’t about you!!!

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    Isa, I’m very proud of you and I hope these therapy sessions go great for you plus don’t care about that manager (i know he is part of work it’s hard to not care) but just try to not take his words to heart.

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    It’s a first step, and then there’ll be a second. Or you just can stand still and wait a little longer. Asking for help is good. Receiving is better. Proud of you, fellow beanie.

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    Love you, isa! Yes, very good adulting here! Hope you get the help you need. Fighting!!!

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    HUGS!!!!
    HUGS FOR YOU!!! GREAT JOB

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    Isa, you have always been the strongest damn person I know. Recognising that you need help and getting that help just proves that once again.

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An update, I guess, for the curious.
The horrible daycare lady has started coming to my story time again.
My boss never spoke to her about hitting the kids in the library.
I’ve looked up the agencies so that if/when it happens again I’ll be ready to report anonymously–with or without his say so.
Last Monday daycares and schools were closed for MLK day so we had 3 families show up for the Movers and Shakers storytime and I was so embarrassed. Since she’s the only one who shows up to this program and my boss made me structure it around her–its complete crap. Like I said. I was embarrassed to do it and encouraged the families to stop in to my more literacy focused storytime during the week. She wasnt even there so I couldnt point at her and say this is not representative of my storytime skill set or philosophy. This is all because of HER. We did a lot of singing and dancing and I ad libbed a lot of literacy tips and tricks so hopefully it wasnt as bad as I know it was. Whats annoying is that this is the program that my boss advertises the most even though I hate it.
I havent made a leveled reading list for that kid. When he asked me about it I told him the kid never brought it up again so I wasnt pushing it on him. He seems content to let it go, for now.
Theres a library, less than 5 minutes from my house, thats losing its Children’s Librarian in a couple of weeks. Its part of the system that Im in now. Im considering trying to apply for it, if only so that I wont be working with my manager anymore. Im trying to hook up with the Childrens librarian who is leaving so that I can get her advice, learn what kind of manager he is, if I even have a shot with how my manager has been trashing my reputation throughout our system.
For the last few days we’ve had extra security at my library to make up for the gun and the threat, but that ends tomorrow. Im sure itll be fine though, although Im still a bit nervous because I dont know what the kid looks like.
And thats it.
I thought I’d give a little update–I was looking on my fanwall and saw all of the rants and thought that I should post an update when Im not losing my freaking mind in rage.

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I dont want to go to work tomorrow. How is it Monday already? I spent today and yesterday conked out on my couch and Im STILL exhausted. If I’ve said it once Ive said it a million times: the weekend isnt enough.

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    PREACH.

    It just took me an hour to get my burger because the universe was conspiring against me. I ended up walking like three times as much as I initially planned. And I didn’t even get the butterscotch milkshake and had to settle for a black & white (“settle”). I don’t want Monday; I want a do-over for Sunday. Can we petition Monday to go away and come back next week?

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      I feel like there just needs to be a sign, an email sent out to every employer: Sunday sucked. We’re doing it over. Monday is cancelled. Adjust your schedule accordingly.

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        Right? Why do employers not get this?

        The thing is, I know I only have like, one major thing this week, but I have like three other big things I need to get done also and it’s just like, “But I don’t wannnaaaaa.” So while technically a low-stress week, I still just don’t want to deal. It’s just been a lot lately.

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          In my case, it’s the library. There aren’t many stressful days. Just monotonus things that can get annoying. Patrons who show up every other day with 30 dvds that they want to check out that I have to unlock and check out for them, as they stand there impatiently with a list of 30 more. The guy who is replacing his 15,000 cd collection a dozen or so cds at a time. The mother who comes yo the library who won’t control her kids so she sits back and let’s us parent them. I typically like my.branch, and now that I think about it I do have a few things I have to get done this week (there’s a play on saturday…i have no idea if everything is in place!) But I’m just blah about it.
          And in a woe is me, no one likes me whine: it’s a coworkers birthday on Thursday. I rec’d that we do something more than just a card for her as she is constantly cooking and baking and bringing food to the library. I told this to the manager, who told a coworker and the two of them have decided that they are taking her out to dinner. My idea. I’m just not invited. So, I get to dread feeling left out all week. Just…i wish I had a magic remote and I could ffwd this period in my life.

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            Ha, I literally just said the same thing to my mom. She actually was surprisingly empathetic (empathy is not her strong suit) re: my stress, and was like “what can I do” and I was just like, unless you can ff’d through the next month for me there isn’t much you can do and she didn’t get mad at me for being a b*tch.

            I can relate to the monotony of annoying things even if they are of a different nature. I feel like I’m just working on the same three cases all the time right now. I have one exciting thing coming up after this week but mostly I just have to deal with two cases that are just getting tedious. And I have to make phone calls. So many calls. I hate making phone calls.

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    I’m even more annoyed, with the fact that the big boss scheduled a mandatory early meeting on Monday morning. The idea of having to wake up much , much earlier for one of those useless (but with required attendance) meetings, is just pissing me off.

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I just read that Kobe Bryant died today. You guys. He was only 41. I’ve never been a sports person, but hes been one of those cultural icons who’s been around my entire life. I remember him taking Brandy to his (hers?) prom. I remember when he went pro. I remember when he was on an ep of Moesha (again with Brandy) playing an athlete who couldn’t pass a test and he wanted Mo to cheat for him. She wouldn’t and he ended up moving his desk to the basketball court and taking the test there with everyone cheering him on.
I remember the commercial for….something
Kobe!
Bryant!
Slam dunk gi
ant
Out dunk the Kobe?
Son dont
try it!
It doesnt seem real. I feel badly for his wife and remaining kids, one of his daughters died with him. She was only 13.

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I hate peopling. I hate going out amongst the people. Even when its my idea I hate it. Ive been sitting here for the last hour literally watching the clock as it slowly makes it way to the time Im supposed to leave and go peopling –still in my pajamas–and I DONT WANNA I DONT WANNA I DONT WANNA I. DONT. WANT. TO! Hmph.
I mean, I should…I really, really, really should. But I really really really dont wanna….and theres that.

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    Update: I didn’t.
    Chips, you fall where you may. I went back to sleep.

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    I feel you. I need to run errands (i.e. get food so I stop eating only pasta) and I kind of want a burger but I’m so gross and the idea of getting ready is less appealing than sitting on the couch and watching The Empire Strikes Back for the millionth time.

    I think my only motivation to go out is that I may pick up a burger for dinner.

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      This is what I’ve done: I doordashed. I need to go grocery shopping. I needed to go to church to wrangle someone in to looking behind my refrigerator to see if something has died back there, get rid of it, and NEVER tell me the answer. Instead, I spent 50 dollars on doordash and have spent the last three hours looking at pants online.
      You can always go to a burger place on the opposite side of town so you can go gross content in the knowledge that you’ll probably never go to that place again.
      I have been trying to think of something to say to your post from a few days ago, I have it open in another tab to respond to. But this is where I am as a person. I’ve got nothing. But I’m sending you good, hopeful, and positive vibes.

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        I can’t justify delivery fees. It’s a problem. I also want a very specific burger and shake. It’s not far. I can do it. I can even go to the other grocery store which is next to the place. It’s the shower that is throwing me. I was stupid and went to hot yoga yesterday and did not shower after (because…tired. then distracted, then sore; also, no one to impress here). But there is a smell now. A distinct whiff I get whenever I move. I mean, I can hide the hair with a hat but the smell…it’s not good. I’m slowly hyping myself up. I will make more tea and make another go at the shower/pants situation. I really want that butterscotch milkshake.

        But first Han Solo needs to get frozen in carbonite and an epic father-son battle where birth secrets are revealed. Priorities, you know.

        (And I appreciate the thought – don’t feel like you need to say anything. I feel better just having gotten it off my chest. The fact that you guys are all so wonderful and and here to listen is enough for me. You seem to have had a lot going on lately too – did you hear from your dad? And how’s the work situation?)

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          I have NOT heard from my dad. Hes dropped his cable and by dropping his cable he dropped his land phone plan and he doesnt have cellphone. I have to go and put him on my cellphone plan.
          As for work…well. I had been planning on not looking for another option until september so that I can say that Ive been at one location for a year (which I havent managed since I quit my last long term job, 2.5 years ago). But I learned that a childrens librarian in this system is leaving. The library is less than 5 minutes from my house. Like…I could take my 30 min lunch break at home. When its warm, I could walk there and back. One of my big problems (other than the manager) is the restroom is SO disgusting that I cannot go in there. I go in there once a day, at close, to make sure the water is turned off. I could go to the bathroom during the day like a normal person. Looking at their calendar they offer similar programs and the ones that I do regularly could slide in there.
          It could be a really good fit. But, my current manager has trashed my reputation. Im looking to see if I could meet with the outgoing librarian and see what her thoughts are on the manager and if I even have a shot.
          And then, a few months ago there was a shooting outside of the library, A man was walking with his daughter and someone shot him, right outside the library. Thats a little scary.
          So…hopefully that meeting can happen, or she’ll email outside of work and she can give me some advice.

          And I know that I dont *have* to respond to your post. But you have been one of the ones since I very first started posting on the wall who has offered me advice during my many melt downs. I want to offer you advice as well! But right now I’ve got a “fighting!” and a butterscotch milkshake sounds like a perfect motivating factor. Good luck!

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            Ugh, sorry about your father and the work. Hopefully you can get that meeting and it’ll work out. I hope you have other people you can talk to for references? It definitely sounds like your current manager is a piece of work. Is there anyone else at your current place who can vouch for you? As for your dad – hopefully something will work out so you don’t have to keep worrying. It’s so stressful when we reach that stage where we’re looking after them more than the other way around.

            I did manage to shower which actually helped a lot. Of course, now it’s getting dark and Jedi started so I’m again not motivated to go out, though I did put on real clothes (i.e. leggings and a giant hoodie). But I really need to eat proper food – I’ve been having like one meal a day and then just tea which is probably not great for me. Goal for the week is to get back to proper meals. I’ll work on sleep the week after that. (And sometimes I wonder why I never feel 100% these days.) But hey, my skin is on point.

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I watched the first ep of How Are U Bread and its cute so far. I think maybe the M/F leads knew each other in their past but for some reason she doesnt remember, but he does. And I think it has something to do with the death of his mom.
The viki commenters HATE the blond hair on the FL but she looks so cute and I love that her teeth arent perfect. She looks human. Like an exceptionally, unrealistically pretty human, but human.

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    Now I want to see what her teeth look like. It is so rare to see teeth that are not considered perfect now. I kind of miss it when people would smile and you’d see the front gap or a snaggle tooth.

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    I still don’t understand this title. Should it have a question mark…a comma? What doesn’t it mean??

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      I keep thinking I have the answer, but then I dont. I feel like a 20 years ago before I had the internet and I read more books and understood grammar I had the answer. Now…not so much.
      Our ML makes bread, or “bread” because its not necessarily bread, its whatever he felt like making that day. This episode it was cheesecake souffle and something else, I’ve forgotten–not bread though. (See how wrong that sentence is? Just look at it) Anyway. Our ML makes the pastry and supposedly while he’s making the bread or whatever hes thinking of someone (where is she? who is she? Is she dead?)–putting all of his longing into the pastry because he wants to know, “How are you?” And that feeling goes into the bread. So its the How are you bread. How are you, bread. How are you? Bread!
      Im confused now.

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I am watching Psychopaths Diary with my irl homies (via a groupchat, but still irl homies) and I must say I 100% ship Dongsik and the actual psychopath. They have such lovely chemistry. Theyd be cute!

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So, I definitely know where last nights insane dream came from: My google discovery feed is FULL of Chen/Exo news.

In the dream, Im watching a youtube video. In it there are two older women–indiscriminate ages, and I think that maybe they are wearing masks? They are introducing a new segment of their video show and they introduce it saying, ” Because some of you bitches think that the boyfriend dance practice means that they are your ACTUAL BFs these noonas are here to pop you fantasy bubble. We call this segment, “Your Bias is (definitely) fucking” don’t hate us, the only songs used are songs written by the artist and comments are taken directly from interviews” And then they repeat the title again.
I dont know who all they showed but in the dream there was like 45 minutes of kpop boys with lyrics from songs and comments from interviews scrolling over their image.
They ended with Jackson Wang and a quote from my big brother: Before a man loses his virginity he has too much energy and he doesnt know what to do with it. After he begins fucking, hes much more mellow because he knows where to focus all of that energy.
And they showed video of Jackson in earlier interviews zipping around and videos of Jackson in recent interviews, completely chill.
And they ended the video with, “This has been your friendly neighborhood Noonas. You have been watching, “Your bias has DEFINITELY been fucking. Thank you (dont get caught unawares!)
I woke up in tears, partially because of horrible cramps but mostly because I was laughing so ding dang hard.

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    I don’t usually remember my dreams, but I do remember last night’s dream. Now, I’m not sure what it says about me that this is what I dream about, and that this is the one that I remember, but I do know that I woke up and thought, “Why?”

    I had a long and very detailed dream about reorganizing my laundry room.

    That was it. That’s all.

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    I remember a few years ago someone saying to me that they believed Taemin when he said he’s never dated before. I was like oh no, he’s lying. 😂😂😂

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    I think that is so funny, omg! Funny dreams are the best.

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    Isa I can hardly read/type this, I’m crying with laughter. I NEED THIS VIDEO IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!
    We need to distribute this to all the fan cafes and send it to Chen’s fans

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Im avoiding the fanwall until at least tomorrow until I watch CLOY (Im trying to go slowly since there’s no episode) but I signed in today and there was a giant ol’ envelope/email symbol! Of course it was for a coupon for the beaniebox but…are we close to getting beaniemail? Do I want beaniemail….of course I do. But you’d think that follows that do something would come before an inbox. If thats something thats down the line….

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My Memory
A true story (from this morning!)
by your friend, isa

So, a couple of months ago I dropped my favorite toothbrush on the floor and had to buy a new one. However, my preferred toothbrush a Kroger brand spinhead electric toothbrush for 10 bucks was nowhere to be found when I went to purchase a new one. So I bought a rinky dink toothbrush that I had to power using my own strength. UGH. No. Thank. YOU.
Last night I finally bought a new electric toothbrush and used it for the first time this morning.
You guys, I was making such good time this morning. I was going to be early for church (as opposed to late as I have been ALL YEAR (and all of last year as well))! So I was patting myself on the back and I turned and saw my lotion. Now, lotion is the first thing to fall by the wayside when Im running late. So I was all, Im going to take my time, lotion up. And as Im heading towards the bottle (literally 6 steps from where I was standing (I just counted)) I’m thinking to myself, “Yay time!” and “I really love an electric toothbrush so much more than the other kind. My mouth feels way cleaner!” And I’ve walked the 6 steps and Im standing ON TOP of the lotion. All I have to do is look down and I can SEE the bottle. But Im standing there and thinking to myself…why did I walk over here? I had to walk the 6 steps back to where I started from to remember what I was doing.
You guys.
My memory is broken.
And yet, I remembered this tale for the two hours I was in church and the 30 minutes that I chitchatted.
Broken.

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    I just bought my first electric toothbrush. It vibrates instead of spins. It has been a learning curve. Like you I am always running late and a manual toothbrush I can use as I walk to the kitchen and leave in my mouth as I pour coffee into my flask. Not so with an electric toothbrush. I actually have to just brush my teeth for the two minutes.

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      So, I tend to read while I’m brushing my teeth because well, brushing your teeth is boring, and I guess I’ve done this since forever. Anyway, sometimes if I’m reading something really good and don’t want to stop, I’ll just keep pressing the go button my electric toothbrush and go through 2 or 3 or 4 cycles. At least my teeth are clean.

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    I might relate to this very much.

    Also, can I remove my BFF’s childhood phone number from literally decades ago out of my memory in order to make room for, say, my husband’s phone number? (Also, bff was a damn lie. that girl dropped me like a hot potato when I got married and had a baby. Like, literally stood me up when we planned a night out when I really really needed it. She called me years later after she had a baby and wanted to get together……hell no, I hold a grudge, and if you were a real friend you would remember that. Whoa, that took a turn.)

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      I used to have a formula for how long you can be friends with your friends after they start a family. Lets see if I can remember it.
      Ok, so, you and your friend spend 100% of your time together (which cant possibly be true but I cant do math so work with me)
      That homie gets a love interest and they get married so automatically your time with said homie drops to 50%
      You still see them alot but not every day anymore. Maybe a couple of times a week.
      That homie goes and gets themselves a baby—steals one from the local Walmart, I dont know your friends!
      They need nights out! Babies are hard (and gross. Lets be honest) So, your time with them drops by half again. So now, you’re seeing them 25% of the time. So…once a week or so.
      They see a better baby at Target so they take that one too. (greedy)
      Now, by my shady math, you are now seeing this person once a month at the most and when you do see them its to talk boring gross baby stuff.
      So…thats my formula for having friends with babies. And is also why whenever I did make plans with my friends with kids when their kids were younger I was ALWAYS late (well, because Im a perpetually late person) but also because they were ALWAYS cancelling because baby husband blahblahBLAH So, I would wait until we were supposed to be there to leave because of all of the time Id get there and then get a call or a text or NOTHING at ALL and then have to be understanding for why they cancelled. Like, have you met me? At all? When I have plans I make plans to remember to pray that you cancel because peopling is asking too much of me.
      Its better now that all of my friends have kids in the double digits.

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      What are the chances your children will fall in love with each other? That would be a great twist.

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This is how Im getting through another week without CLOY reading. Reading everything. Has anyone read The Tattooist of Auschwitz? Im starting it now. I think its going to be a hard one.

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I just wrote a book rant that was like 4 comments long. It didnt deserve 4 comments! Im going to try again. A Kiss in the Dark. Take 2.

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    Ok, the basic premise of the book is problematic. A girl gets a stolen kiss during a blackout. Its mentioned as problematic and then never spoken of again.
    There are SO many lovelines taking place in this book. But, two main triangles.
    Macy is the main character. Macy has a crush on Joel–new kid in school, star football player.
    Meredith is Macy’s best friend. She has a crush on Ben. She thinks that shes too good for Ben, but she likes him anyway.
    Ben DID like Meredith. But, as hes spending more and more time with Macy he’s finding that his feelings are shifting.

    At first Ben is just the boy who lives near Meredith. But over the course of the book Macy finds herself having more and more conversations with Ben without Meredith there and then without Meredith being mentioned. Ben is coming to Macys house however many times a week to teach her brother the guitar. Macy and Ben both have siblings on the same soccer team and go to their games. Bens job is the hangout spot–Macy goes there early to reserve good seats. It would never occur to Macy to go after a guy that Meredith likes. That doesnt stop Ben from falling for the girl right in front of him.

    Triangle 2
    Macy has instalove for Joel.
    Joel asks Macy to homecoming. He knows when he meets her that he wants her to be someone special in his life.
    Noah asks Macy to homecoming (the year after Joel) to f with Joel.
    Turns out theres more to this love triangle.
    Over the course of the book Joel alludes a few times to a friend who wasn’t a good friend and became obsessed with him to the point that his parents thought it was a good idea for him to go to a different school his junior and senior years. They thought about getting a restraining order.
    Turns out, the friend is Noah and friend is too light a word.
    Noah is bi, Joel is gay. They had been secretly dating. Noah wants Joel to come out of the closet and date in the open. Joel is not about that life. Noah decides to transfer schools his senior year, seduce and date Macy because he thinks that Joel is dating her and he wants to steal her from Joel because Joel can never fall for her and he wants to rub this in Joels face. Joel got so jealous over Macy that in a drunken fit he sets fire to a float in Merediths garage and nearly burns Merediths house down. Yeah that isnt explained–why its Meredith he hurts instead of Macy.
    Macy learns that Joel and Noah are involved when she follows them one day, watches them get in a physical fight and then start making out.
    My issue with this book is the Noah/Joel relationship. It. Is. INSANE. Not in typical ya novel romance is crazy insane, but in HE NEARLY BURNED MEREDITHS HOUSE DOWN insane. Theres only one other not straight couple in the book. And they are never introduced. We see a picture of them, and they walk by while pervy boys make pervy comments. Noah/Joel are the only examples of a not-hetero couple in the book and this is the story given to them.
    In comparison, lets look at the first love tri

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      triangle. After months of getting to know one another, Ben’s crush moves from Meredith to Macy. He doesn’t know how to tell either girl without jeopardizing his friendship with either. Meredith’s spider senses are tingly as she gets jealous and mean whenever she sees them together. Joel cancels with Macy on the day of the homecoming dance, all of her friends–including Meredith (who is there with Ben)–convince her to come to the dance anyway. Macy is too sad and upset to stay and tries to sneak off while everyone is dancing. Ben notices her leaving and tries to stop her. They have a slow dance in the parking lot and Macy kisses Ben cheek for being so kind. Meredith comes outside at just that moment, decides that Ben has been unfaithful and Macy is a horrible friend. At that exact moment they notice that theres a fire and it looks like its in Merediths neighborhood. Turns out its Merediths house. Noah (whom no one knows yet as he doesnt turn up until senior year) has set the float that the cheerleaders were making on fire. Even though this is obviously not the work of either Macy or Ben Meredith has decided that they are SOMEHOW to blame and she now hates them both.

      She immediately forgives Ben. She immediately forgives Joel (whom she assumes did it). But because Ben, the boy Meredith likes dares to like Macy instead, she deep freezes her best friend and gets all of their friends to turn against her.

      I think that the Macy-Ben-Meredith triangle is pretty standard ya fare. But the Macy-Noah-Joel triangle is problematic. If this is the only representation of a LGBTQIA+ couple, especially if the other couple is presented as normal—it just feels irresponsible. I did like the conversation about how hard it is to come out and how some people think that being gay is ok “as long as it doesnt come in their house” and pointing out how homophobic and not ok that is.
      Im not even sure this rant made sense but I had to say it.

      On to the next book of the weekend!

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So I joined a couple of different GOT7 fangroups on fb and several times a day these people are talking about TATTOOS that they have of the group. I officially declare myself a fake fan. Or, a too dang old one.

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    I’m a fake fan too then. I don’t have a GOT7 tattoo either 💚

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      Its not that I dont have one—I dont want one and question the sanity of everyone involved. Like, as much as I love GOT7 and heaven knows that I do and have for the last few years–I like them as people (from what they’ve shown us), I like their music–individuals and as a group, acting, variety, reality shows. All across the board, I consider myself a fan and there are songs that I hear and it takes me back (I watched one of the Just Right practice videos and remembered the night that I went from, “this is a catchy song, who are these people?” to “What on EARTH is wrong with that blonde kid? he is such a try hard. Gross” to “Whats that blonde kids name again? Hes attractive…”) but I think it would take being held at gunpoint to tattoo the GOT7 logo anywhere on my person. Ive loved BSB since I was 14 years old. It would take gun point to get me to tattoo them anywhere either. I get loving something/someone. I get being attached to it. I do not get loving it to the point that you’re tattooing in on your body. Forever.

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#confession. Sometimes…if I post something and no one comments or gives it a like…I like it myself. And then I feel weird about it. And every time I see that comment and that like, Im like…that like is a lie.
And then I wonder if anyone else does such a weird thing. But I’d never ask because its embarassing. I think. I’ll be over here not with the popular people. But by myself.
I just had to get that off my chest. smh

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    Also sometime when my spelling and grammar are just TOO BAD…I avoid the wall for awhile.

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      I understand you ^^

      as for me, I’ve deleted some posts when they got no likes after a week on the wall. It kinda breaks my heart a little to see songs, which brings me happiness, not getting any likes ^^’.

      Typos are exhausting, I re-read many times but sometimes it got obvious only when you post on the wall -_- .

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        I am like that with all my comments and posts. I always try to correct my typos. I actually end up overthinking my posts. I did accidentally like some of my stuff, but only once was on purpose…

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        Awww Kudo, I hope you won’t delete your posts going forward. Don’t you like to look back and reread your what you’ve posted over time? I do. It gives me feels that there was a time I felt the urge to post and share what I liked on my fanwall.

        As I have said below reply, I couldn’t care less whether I get likes or not. It is not up to anyone’s liking what I want to post. I like what I like. I will share what I like. 😉😉

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      MOOD lol
      But my self-likes are usually by accident 😅😅 And I just correct my typos in the comments

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      I totally obsess about my typos and bad grammar… I can’t seem to be able to post a comment without getting prepositions wrong, I cringe so hard every time I reread and mentally correct them

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    Hey, you gotta love yourself first.😉

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    To me, isa, I couldn’t care less if my posts have likes or not. My own fanwall is my own space I can share whatever I want. It is not up to anyone’s liking what I want to post.

    I post dramas I watch on my fanwall in hopes I find beanies with similar interests and talk about that specific drama.

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    I do it because self love. I don’t expect it from others, & most don’t even have the patience or want to read my posts let alone like them if they’re not on a popular topic.
    _ _Plus I word vomit without any gifs or pics, so visually they don’t appeal.

    Give yourself a like whenever you feel like it, it’s okay to fan over yourself.

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      I do this too! Especially now that Im watching dramas on tv and not on my computer and cant add screen caps anymore. I look back and its just….word vomit. And then I think, Oh, I bet people would like this comment if it had a pretty attached to it.

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        Same lol, I’ve started watching on TV too, & then it’s EFFORT to sc & spazz…. Not that I ever did much in the first place 😅

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    LOL

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    I understand that feeling. I feel that way about my posts. It’ll take me a second to recognize them when I see it in the Beanie section or even if I revisit my fan wall after a few hours…

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    Since we’re confessing: I sometimes like posts or comments even when I don’t actually like them because the odd number of likes freaks me out.. yes, I’m weird like that!

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      Now this is a mixed message. This will make me obsess if I see you pop up on a like.

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        Sorry.. but now you will never know!

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        Okay.. did you just like my comment purposely to get back at me and freak me out!

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          😆😆😆

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          I did. I bumped you up to 7…a) because I love the number 7, b) just because…. I also like evening out things sometimes (read : rarely)

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      I hate odd numbers. They make me feel badly. One of them is always left out. It makes me feel bad for that lonely number.

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        They give me extreme OCD, and I find myself hesitating when it comes to giving someone the first like.. because then it will stay at 1 for I don’t know how long and I can’t take that.. but if it is already one, it gives me great satisfaction in even-ing it out with my 2!

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          Oh, I do some of that–not always, but sometimes. Like if they mention a specific person in their post I feel weird about liking it. Or if they talk about something personal I feel weird being the first comment. Unless its a beanie Im super comfortable with I always feel weird about being the first comment. And even THEN I spend way more time than is probably normal going back to see how people have responded to my comment. Did they like it?
          It occurs to me that I am an extremely anxious person. Like, Ive always known that but typing it out like this. Yes. I am extremely anxious.

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    Oh are we doing a confession trend now, I confessed about reading azzos story in low/sad times.
    While I do care less about likes, (it’s the same for other social media for me too, i don’t bother with likes but unfortunately that means i don’t give likes that much either because for me it’s almost a non existent thing), I do mind when I asked a question but noone replies. I know that’s petty and I totally understand that on the fanwall many things can be hidden (specially if surrounded by bots) and people do not always have the answer. So yeah i know that’s bad but I still keep waiting for a reply.

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      Same! I get almost no response on questions here so I just ask on discord. Likes don’t bother me, unanswered questions do.

      I relate to your comment 100%.

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Bloody Seoul by Sonia Patel was a good read. A bit difficult to get through at times, but a good read. Im going to look into a sequel. Rocky is out of a bad situation but he still has so much work to do! And I wonder about Ha Na as well. On to the next book of the weekend!

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Beanies I had the most insane dream last night…

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    There was this business man–full three piece suit wearing, power office on the millionth floor business man. This woman comes to visit him and while shes in his office she turns into a bee.
    He takes her to the woods and there they live for the next few years.
    She never turns into a human again.
    He falls in love with her (and keeps trying to get her pregnant. But shes a bee. So….that doesnt work)
    They communicate by her spelling things out in the air or dragging her stinger through the dirt. He can also understand the tones of her buzzing.
    His parents come to visit them in their little woods dwelling. She randomly turns into a shaggy bear. He quickly bangs the shaggy bear. She becomes pregnant and stays a bear her whole pregnancy and gives birth to a bunch of bees/bear/man hybrids. After the birth she turns back into a bee.
    They all live happily ever after.

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So far today has been an excellent day, beanhomies.
For the last month I’ve been trying to gather up my courage to go to a laundromat. I havent been able to do that since I was attacked in one when I was 12. I was lucky enough to either live in places with washer/dryer or not have to do my own laundry. But with my dad living his best life I’ve been trying to back off how often I visit and trying not to worry about him as much. And honestly a 2.5 one way to do laundry (and check up on my dad) twice a month was a lot and exhausting.
But I would have a panic attack every single time I tried to gather up the courage.
This morning I woke up at 8 am like, LETS GO DO SOME LAUNDRY, BISHES!!! WOOHOO
(yes, it was very, very strange)
I only brought two loads with me so that I could wash two loads at a time, and so I wouldnt have a ton to bring back if I were unsuccessful.
I was successful!
I walked into a laundromat and did not panic for the first time in over 20 years.
I then drove around listening to old radio shows which was super fun. And after two hours of this I went to a store called Jungle Jims. Everyone has told me this was THE place to go for any international food needs I may have. Everyone I asked said that they probably didnt have Melona bars because they have a tiny freezer section.
After getting lost for like 20 minutes I finally stumbled across the Korean section. I found the ttebbokki puffs (but not the frozen stuff), black bean paste steamed buns, annnnnnnnnnnd MELONA.
Theres a lady from church who wants to come and hang out with me today but I super dont want to. Im digging being by myself and doing little things that remind me of my mom without having to explain them.
Im having her favorite lunch and snack and her favorite dessert and will watch her favorite movie. Its going to be a lovely evening.
Thanks for the advice, beanhomies. I am documenting at work. Im looking into transferring to a different branch.
But today, today has been a lovely day.

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    Here’s to more lovely days, isa!
    *holds up my cup of tea*

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    This makes me happy. I love that you found a balance between the hard things and things that you need to be happy. Rooting for you, hoping things with work clear up/get better soon. Take today to do what you need, though. Be happy and keep having a lovely day. And hopefully more lovely days to follow.

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      Next up is reading a cheesy romance novel (Mary Monroe, an author I think my mom would have appreciated if she had kept her sight/short term memory long enough) and day time tv. Books and tv two of my moms jams.

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        That sounds delightful. Daytime TV is very soothing. I wish I could curl up with a book right now. I tried to read during my lunch break and instead got bombarded with calls and emails because work is insane. But I’m gonna try to sneak out early today, so hopefully it’ll balance out.

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          Oh good luck with that! I just watched Kelly Clarksons talk show. A. Im not sure I knew Kclark had a talk show and B. Where has this been my entire life? She is so adorable! There should be daytime tv breaks during the workday. Just…just to keep a person going.

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            Kelly Clarckson is a f-delight and national treasure. If you want a real good laugh, watch her day drinking segment on Seth Meyers. It is one of the best things I’ve seen. I watch it whenever I need a pick-me-up.

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    I KNOW JUNGLE JIMS!!! Are you near Cincinnati/ Dayton??? I was there for Air Force stuff back in the day.

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    I’m so happy that you were successful!
    Glad you found everything you were looking for in Jungle Jim’s.
    It’s sweet how you enjoy doing your mom’s things too.
    Thank you for sharing your day!

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Well, I wrote an email to my boss this morning. I knew that if I went in there and tried to talk to him I would get way too pissed and probably cry (as always happens when Im pissed). I explained my position against leveled reading and gave alternatives to how our homework help person manages his time. I explained about the proven power of choice in developing readers. I told him when I said that I was passionately opposed its not in the same vein as when I go on about my love of Kpop. I leaned all the way in and talked about my 10 years in youth services backing me up, that my masters degree with an emphasis on childhood literacy backed me up, that there are scholarly articles out there that I can provide that show that leveled reading is bs and ended it all with, “but you’re the boss.”
I have one more thing to say if he still tries to make me do leveled reading. Of the three of us (me, my boss, and the homework helper) I am the one who is an “expert” in this topic. And its something that I’ve been wondering about since I started here. Maybe he’s sexist or even racist (and I dont say EITHER of those lightly). Because I dont see how he can discount all of my experience in this field (and with the daycare worker) and side with everyone BUT me unless he’s one of the two. A college freshman, with his first homework help job is not more qualified than I am to make this call. Its not bragging or tooting my own horn or saying that Im better or smarter or whatever. Its just a fact.

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    Mr. Easy Gig can work on his own list, or better yet, some research on leveled reading. I wish a few of your parents who witnessed the daycare issues would complain to your boss, your library board, the agency that licenses daycares, and the agency in charge of investigating child abuse.

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    Just a question but: have you given the helper info on why levelled reading is terrible? I mean, that could help you, especially if they are someone who is studying education or childhood literacy. I mean, I assume you’ve made them know your stance, but maybe if they had the info you do they may better understand. I mostly assume you have talked to them, but I wasn’t sure from your posts. I mean, also maybe tell the helper how much experience and education you have in this matter – it may shut them up. You are the expert, and it’s not right for them to make you do busy work that is for something you don’t believe in. Fight away – and honestly, flaunt your knowledge. You don’t have it for nothing. This is something you’re passionate about, and that matters. That matters because you’ve worked your ass off to get here and because you care. You didn’t learn this and read the studies to be walked over by some asshat manager and punk kid.

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      I explained to the homework helper why I’m opposed and he seemed to understand. When I got the email from my boss saying that I had to do it, I sat down and ranted for an hour or so, slept on it, woke up still pissed and wrote him an email explaining why this is a bad idea. I told him that my 10+ years of experience and my masters degree that has a focus in childhood literacy all back me up in this. Today we had a meeting where he basically said that the homework helper doesn’t have enough time or experience to pick out books so he wants me to do it and that I shouldn’t view it as taking away their choice. I’m just limiting it.
      And then, tomorrow –TOMORROW– is the anniversary of mothers death. He thought that today was a good time yo sit me down and tell me that I need yo learn to separate myself from my emotions and just provide service because I’m too passionate about literacy (tf?) and because I said that I don’t do mother’s day programs. If i learn to separate myself from my emotions then I’ll be just fine to do that program. Except that’s not how emotions or grief works and once again, f that guy.
      I am so, so frustrated. It’s basically boiling down to my word and expertise isn’t valid.

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        FUCK THAT GUY.

        Ugh. Is he a robot? He’s sexist, for sure, because telling a woman to calm down is basically the most male way to be like “ladiez be cray” and get away with it. You should be passionate and strong and have opinions and feelings about literacy and when you want to hold programs. It’s what makes you good at your job. It’s why you do what you do. It’s an asset to any library to have someone who is passionate and educated and who cares the way you do. I can’t even with this right now. Why are men so awful? What is wrong with emotions and caring about things? Not caring about things doesn’t make you cool or better at your job. Caring does. And here’s the thing that gets me – you didn’t do this from an emotional place, you did this from a cerebral one. You know the research and stats and studies. You know what you’re talking about and that there is no reason to employ outdated methods. You are doing this from expertise and he is ignoring it with the easiest play in the man handbook (ooh, that seems like it would be kind of porn-y…wait, it would be. It’s by men. Sorry, I digress, back to the rant.) Disregarding all the evidence you’re citing is stupid because I guarantee if a male were saying the same things he’d listen.

        And the total lack of empathy for you, telling you to “just provide service” is such complete and utter bullcrap that I want to punch him. It’s totally fair for you to not do mother’s day programs. How does making yourself an emotionless robot give you the ability to run a program you don’t want to do a good thing? Like, even IF you separate from your emotions, that doesn’t mean that doing a mother’s day program will be easier for you. Not that you should listen to this nitwit. But still.

        Keep being you. Keep being passionate about literacy. Keep taking care of your needs and saying no to the things that you don’t feel like doing. Keep being angry. (And maybe see if there’s a regional supervisor or board that you can submit a complaint to. Because this guy sounds like he’s hurting the library at the expense of the patrons.)

        So, yeah. Fuck that guy.

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          Spare me men and their “women are too emotional, but I’m going to get drunk and punch a bunch of people because my football team lost a match”.

          I don’t know about the racism thing, I’m not there, but I agree with Snarky that telling women to ‘calm down’ is the classic gaslighting move. Acting as though the problem is your emotions about a situation rather than the situation itself.

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        I did not realize it was possible for a *librarian* to be too passionate about literacy. Literally our job description.
        Can you just do a Recommended Reads list or Display and mix up the levels? Like have a mix of reading levels with age appropriate content. Would either of them even realize they aren’t actually leveled?
        Mothers Day program: Look at Storytime Underground for their work against any holiday storytime. Regardless of your personal situation, a mother’s day program does by default exclude those without mothers or involved mothers. There is a place for those programs, but an inclusive library may not be it. Consider programming that would allow others who have lost their mother or grandmothers a mothers day free space. Perhaps a plain love theme, or pull the CSLP theme in a little early and do Imagine Your Story.
        On another note, document, document, document. Write a summary of the meeting, including your impressions. Send it to him like meeting minutes with a date for clarifications. Include some follow up on the trends against any holiday programming. By writing down you give the boss the chance to correct incorrect assumptions on your part and also gives you backup in case of an unemployment or discrimination claim. You’ve got a pretty strong one. It’s not like your degree is 50 years old and out of touch.

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          Keeping meeting notes for yourself, at home, is a good idea also.

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          Yes, this x10000. Bcc all your emails to a private address so that you have them somewhere other than your work computer/email. Make notes of the dates and times he says/does something inappropriate, email it to yourself or keep.some.kind of record. Make note of who was there if there are any in person interactions.

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I dreamt an entire drama last night. Is it a real Drama? Pieces of a Drama? Have I written a Drama? I dunno. Details inside.

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    Fl: blames herself for the death by fire of her next door neighbors parents and sister and will drop everything to help him

    2 ML: the only survivor of the fire. Emotionally manipulates the FL to stay by his side. He’s a famous idol and is constantly getting involved in dating scandals in part to show her that has desirable.

    Setting: 2ml has just caused a huge scandal. He’s laying low at the FL home in the country.  She’s in therapy and part of the therapy is they go out to ka rake and they have to sing songs that express how they feel. 

    The ML buys the house next door and he immediately falls for the FL but he thinks that she’s dating the 2FL. They become friends and she likes him immediately. She doesn’t know that He thinks she’s dating the 2Ml.  He unintentionally finds himself at the karaoke place that she goes to. Since this isn’t like an official part of therapy (they aren’t in a closed room) he starts coming every week and they start singing longing and wistful songs to each other. It’s the highlight of their week. She doesn’t know why he doesn’t ask her out and rebuffs her attempts to get closer when it’s obvious to anyone with eyes and ears that they like each other.

    His very sick elderly mother comes to visit him. He asks her to help him with his mom. She agrees and it winds up with her sleeping in the bed with the mom. There’s a cute scene were the mom is all, what if I wet the bed? And she calls her mother in law and tells her that she would clean them both up and they wouldn’t have to talk about it. This also has the standard drama trope where the guy watches the woman sleep, and pushes back a lock of her hair. He whispers that he’s in love with her. She doesn’t here—but his mom does!

    She overhears the mom ask why they aren’t dating and since she wants to know the answer she hovers around and hears that he thinks she’s dating the idol. She tells.him the tragic story of how she burned down his house and that’s why she suffers from guilt so badly that she goes to therapy. She tells him that she loved the idol as a son and as a sister but never as a lover.

    First kiss!

    I actually don’t remember what happens after that. Just that there’s loads of cute kissing scenes, the idol finds peace and the FL and ML get married and move to N.Y. where he teaches at NYU.  They go to karaoke once a week and sing at each other. The drama ends with him singing Joe’s I Wanna Know and she replies with My Body is Calling for You.

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I said once that I should come here more often when Im upset as it always cheers me. It took me 5 pages of fanwall and 47 minutes for the fury to subside enough to try to sleep. I more or less know what Im going to say to my boss in the morning. And since I dont have to be in until 12 I will have several hours to practice saying it without resorting to violence or quitting. Or both!

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