Today’s post is a very personal one, so it’s in the comments.



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    What you, my delightful wonderful beautiful beanfriends, don’t know is that today is the one-year anniversary of me finally getting my shit together. I was flailing for so long – years – and it was one year ago today that I started on this road to fixing myself. Not that there is anything wrong with who I am as a person, but because there was so much wrong with how I saw myself and how I presented myself to the world. I let my life stagnate.

    I was depressed. I felt like a failure. I was anxious all the time. Getting out of bed was hard. My head was foggy all the time. I was tired constantly. But I also couldn’t sleep. I had no confidence in myself at all. I hated seeing myself. I hated going outside. I hated living – not in an “I want to die” way, more in a “what’s the point of caring” way. I would have panic attacks out of nowhere. I went out only when I had to. I constantly was stuck inside my own head, a place that was not a happy place to be. I replayed every mistake I made ad nauseum until I couldn’t sleep from the anxiety. I interacted with people as minimally as possible. I had no energy to do anything beyond what I needed to do. There were no victories in my life. Or if there were, I was unable to appreciate them.

    But one year ago today that started to change.

    No. That’s wrong. One year ago today I took the steps I needed to change. I finally spoke to a doctor. I got what I needed to help me. It’s been a slow journey, but the person I am today is a much happier, healthier person than that person I was a year ago. I learned that it’s not normal to be tired constantly. Or to have a foggy head no matter how much coffee you have. Or to not go outside ever. Or to never have any energy. I started to see that I was not as much of a failure as I believed. There were good things in my life. I was able to celebrate the small victories. I made the changes I needed to and found a better job.

    I’m trying to live without regrets and without beating myself up over every little thing. I’m learning to let go and move forward. There are still days where I hate myself for wasting years of my life. Where I still get anxious and feel stupid. Where I wish I’d had the confidence to pursue other dreams. But it’s easier now for me to move forward to look to the future rather than the past.

    One of my few escapes and solaces in that time was this space. It was a community of kindred spirits, connecting over drama but sharing so much more. It was one of the few places where I could talk a little, where I could open up myself a bit. Where I felt that a little of the person I once was could come out a bit.

    One year is not a long time in the long run. But in one year I have managed to go from barely living to wanting to see what life has to offer. It’s amazing what a year can do.

    Love,
    February

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      Thank you for sharing this.
      It’s eye opening to know that I’m not the only one struggling with life and with how I see and present myself. And it’s nice to know that I can help you feel better through this community just as you and many other beanies helped me through my crisis.

      You are doing great, @snarkyjellyfish. And while there are many stumbles and uneven road in the future, the most important thing is for us to remember that we aren’t defined by our failures.

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        …the most important thing is for us to remember that we aren’t defined by our failures.

        This. This is the hardest part for me. But I’m working on it. I hope whatever you struggle with comes to pass quickly and that you can find confidence in yourself. Honestly, I don’t really know what to say without it sounding like a cheesy self-help book. But as long as you actively work against that struggle, I think you’ll find a way out.

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      You.
      Are.
      Amazing.

      Thank you for sharing something so personal, insodoing you have let us know that we are not alone.

      Fighting! on your journey! I’m so happy that you’re here, present, and on the road to more.

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      I think self-love has been the best love for Love, February.
      Thank you so much for sharing.

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      Thank you for sharing.
      Thank you for being here.
      Really, thank you for your presence, for your voice.
      Living is so very hard, leaving the house takes so much energy, and changing yourself? That takes courage.
      Thank you, for sharing your story, and making mine seem less lonely.

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        The more I realize I’m not alone, the less isolated I feel. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but at least I know what I thought was normal, isn’t normal. And that makes all the difference in the end.

        As for changing myself – I don’t know that I did. I think I finally let the me who was here all the time out. She was trapped under mountains of fear and behind walls of self-doubt and let the ghosts of failure scare her into never wanting to leave her little dark room. Because at least in there she knew what to expect.

        Living is hard. But not living is even harder.

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      Thank you for sharing your story. I am very glad you decided to get help and that you are now on a better road.

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      I knew there was a reason I liked you (more than one actually)! Thank you for having so much courage and for sharing your wit here. Thank you for the inspiring reminder that change takes work.

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      You’ve done well! In retrospect, you’ve given me and my friend advice on kbeauty in that year and I’m indebted to you! Kamsahimnida!

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        I was just remembering the other day that I was giving someone skincare advice on here and I couldn’t remember who it was. I hope it was helpful? I’m on a skincare purchasing hiatus right now because I have so many masks it’s a little ridiculous.

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          Very helpful. I’m getting too many masks too! I need to use them before I’ll allow myself to buy any more.

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            I store my sheet masks in a box in the fridge, along with under eye patches. So refreshing, especially in summer when it’s hot out. Need to work my way through my stash. It’s so hard because I work down the street from H-Mart and I’m so tempted to buy more masks whenever I go.

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      You are a strong person. How encouraging that you would share your struggles. Know that there are those of us who draw strength from standing up again after failures. That’s character.

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      *Hugs you so tightly* You are so strong and brave!! I also hope that you never forget that you have this Beanie community who love you and who think you’re awesome! ♥️

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      Thank you for the hopeful post. By the way, I found a lot of kindred spirits on the Island of Neutrality that you established, almost a year ago. 😎

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        I think the Island came about around the same time I started this journey. I remember it was the first time in a long time I actually felt more than a detached interest in something. I’m still so salty about the end of APAD but I will always love the Island.

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      Much love and hugs to you! And yay to the new you! Life is shit mostly but we need to find the brighter things out of it just to get going! You are not the only one ❤️

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      Psh, can’t believe you actually tried to make it seem like you weren’t a badass, Snarky. Admitting to needing help is so difficult, but actually doing something about it and getting actual help is beyond courageous. So, so, so happy you find yourself in a better place now <3 To many more years of growing and moving forward to come!
      Really, thank you so much for sharing <3 I can relate in so many ways it's a bit ridiculous ^^

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      I really need to see something like this today. Thank you

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      Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. You said this, “It’s amazing what a year can do” and I agree so much. May this “new” year be as full of healing, hope, and light for you. And even more full of love — in all its many ways ❤️❤️❤️ big big big hugs to you❤️❤️❤️

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      Thanks for this post Snarky. Tbh I’ve been considering it for a few years as well – and only dragged myself to see one in December last year. For all of 2 sessions because it was too expensive. It wasn’t very helpful – but she gave me a diagnosis so I knew I wasn’t imagining things, and stated clearly that I wasn’t to be blamed for the lost years. After all, “it’s hardly your fault. Isn’t that what you would tell a friend who wasn’t keeping so well?” OR something like that. Those words did make me feel much better.

      The point of that was – I’m immensely glad you went to a doctor, and the doctor helped. I’m glad you’re getting your life back together. 🙂 Wish you better and better years as time goes by!

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        My parents put me in therapy in my last year of high school. I was resentful when they told me — but then my first day of my senior year was literally the worst first day of school you could ever have, and coincidentally the first therapy session. At one point, I shit you not, I spoke with my college counselor and she told me “Oh yeah, you can’t have that schedule as a senior” as if it was my fault the school screwed up and didn’t put me in any of the classes I signed up for and had priority to be in. I think I was in three classes? I think they were Math, English, and Latin. Also, they gave me a non-existent locker. Plus about five hundred other things went wrong. Not a great day. I fixed it eventually, but it took me literally getting angry at some people and crying in my counselors office to fix it.

        But anyway. This is the long way of me saying therapy was a good experience. I kept going for until I graduated, and I think that was a huge factor in my well-being that year. However, the thing abou therapy is it’s like any long term-relationship that isn’t a personal one – you need to find someone that works for you. Not all therapists are the same. I can’t afford it right now, so I’m hoping that the medication alone keeps working. If I ever feel things backsliding, I will look for someone to talk to.

        Here in the States I only need my regular doctor to prescribe the medication. I do follow up for a year to make sure there’s no adverse effects, but my last one is this spring. I’ll stay on the medication as long as I need it, forever if that’s what it takes. I realized that my being able to function is more important that what other people think about my taking pills.

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          I really should thank you for your post – I’m getting some encouragement from your positive experiences with therapy, to give it a second try. Maybe find a doc closer to my place who may not charge as much, for one, if any such exist. I also want to thank you for this – “I realized that my being able to function is more important that what other people think about my taking pills.” You’re right – its far more important, and that’s something I need to keep in mind too. After all, I don’t judge anyone for their requiring medication, so why I should let others’ judgement of me going to therapy deter me?

          As long as you’re doing well, Snarky, I’m really glad. 🙂 That school sounds ridiculous, they know its too much and yet they put you through it? That’s completely illogical.

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            Oh, don’t get me wrong I loved my school. It was just a disaster day. I literally went back to my college counselor and said “Well, if I can’t have that schedule, fix it.” I told her that it was ridiculous that people in grades below me were in classes I signed up for and that my schedule needed to be redone. They fixed it in the end, and the only thing I had to sacrifice was advanced drawing and painting – and that was just because it conflicted with too many things. My school was really small and I had known most of my counselors for years (and the college one was actually a classmates mom too) so it was easy to get people to fix things. It was just frustrating to have people not have noticed that a senior was basically bumped from her place.

            As for therapy – in the States we have doctors that do things like sliding scale payments and who will ask less if you pay out of pocket and stuff like that. I don’t know what your system is like, but there are a lot of different options here. Some people like the option of just having the option instead of regular appointments. Others have less frequent appointments (once a month, every six weeks, etc.). I would do some calling around.

            At the end of the day our mental health is just as important as our physical health. I never realized how closely the two were related until now. I’ve learned that even though hate exercise, I enjoy being active. And being active is what has finally gotten me to start eating better and lose weight that I put on and couldn’t get off. My goal isn’t weight loss though; I’d rather be healthy and strong. And while I won’t have abs anytime soon, it’s nice to be able to do sit-ups without dying.

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      Fighting!!! And Hugs! Keep going!! You are doing great Snarky!!

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