Last year for Love, February I cut myself open and let myself bleed here for all the world to see. It was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life. I was able to finally fully let go of so many of the things that were weighing me down and felt free for the first time in years. This project honestly contributed a lot to my mental health – both in writing and in reading all the beautiful posts and responses, and the dialogues they created. It helped me open up and have faith in myself again. I was writing again for the first time in years. I was learning a lot about myself in the process of creating posts and thinking about love and what it is to me and what it means to me.

This year I feel like I participated in the barest way – only just making my midnight deadline to post, often having no idea what to write until my fingers just started tapping away. I didn’t have my laptop, so most of my posts were written on my work laptop, the sh*tty one I borrowed from my mom, or my phone. I was usually tired, though I never found the act of writing a chore. The topics were random, lightly edited, and lacked the photos and usual accouterments I would prefer. (I’m not criticizing myself, I’m just stating facts.)

In a lot of ways this was a true reflection of how I’ve felt the last few months. Burned out, tired, spent, sick, getting things done but not being my best self. I think that’s OK sometimes. I can’t always be 100%. I’m fine with that. It’s taken a long time, but I truly am. It’s OK for me to be a little messy, a little last minute, and a little off my game, so long as I know I’m not going too far down a bad path. As long as my anxieties don’t own me, I’ll be fine.

It’s weird how much can change in a year. A year ago, I hesitated to post some of the things I wrote. I’ve never regretted any of it. A year ago, I didn’t realize how much I was still healing and how much writing about it would help me. A year ago, I still had so many doubts about how I felt. I still thought I was wrong, or maybe a little more broken than I realized. But you all helped me heal. It was because of this project that I learned who I was, what mattered to me, what I was holding onto, and why. It has stayed with me and helped me throughout the last year.

I’m hoping next year I can get back to posting more with heart. I loved seeing your posts, I loved reading everyone’s different takes on the project. I love seeing parts of you all that we don’t usually get to see. February is always the longest month of the year for me – somehow it always becomes a perfect storm of a mess with work and life. But this project has made it more bearable. So, I want to end this month with a thank you.

Thank you all for being there for me. Thank you for listening when I needed a space to complain. Thank you for sharing yourselves with us. Thank you for being kind to one another. Thank you for keeping this space safe. Even when we fail to be our best, I think we have faith in one another that we will be better next time. I wish the world were more like this space, but alas it is not. And I guess that’s OK too, since I know that this place is here for us.

Thank you all for being you.

Love,
February